Wellness Wednesdays: Dealing with Life's Mysteries

I have learned to accept the fact that doctors and science cannot explain everything. The best way is to live your life the best way you can. I made this comment last night in the pulmonary embolism patients group. I remember when I joined the group many years ago, I was confused and anxious about the diagnosis. Getting a PE is always a surprise to everyone. You only find out you have it when it happens. 

In my case, it took over a year and getting a second opinion before I was diagnosed with it. I was bewildered and realized if I didn't push to see another doctor I'd probably be gone now. I didn't dwell on it at that time because I was busy preparing for a trip. I was grounded by my doctor after that trip, haha. I went on with my life, but eventually had a second PE. 

I actively comment back to new patients who join the group. I know and understand what they're going through. They are often frustrated, bewildered and lost. Looking for answers on why you had it. Some are lucky to know why they had it. Some get it because it's in their genes. Some due to birth control. Others due to giving birth. But there are people like me who would never know why I had it. 

I've made peace with that and embraced it as a life mystery. Doctors don't have all the answers. I've seen a good number of them. I did so many tests and they generally told me to just monitor and don't let anyone open you up again. My focus now is to improve my quality of life. Here's what I've learned so far:

1. Not all your questions will be answered, just let it be. Treat it as a mystery and just let God take care of you. 

2. The Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Denial will just frustrate you further. Just accept it and focus on improving your quality of life. 

3. Not many people will understand what you're going through. Some would be sympathetic, others would be distant. Others would expect you to be "normal". Just focus on appreciating those who are around you. 

4. Don't beat yourself if you can't be what you used to be. Just be at least 1% better than yesterday. 

5. Find simple joys and be grateful of everything. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Coping with Pulmonary Embolism

World Thrombosis Day was last October 13. I've been so busy I didn't notice that the 13th passed already. I am a survivor of two pulmonary embolisms. The first one was in 2018 which remained undetected for many months. I had to advocate for myself to get a second opinion since my first respiratory doctor just kept piling me with asthma meds. Several trips to the ER also did not catch the culprit. It came to a point I could barely walk at work. I could have died. 

The doctor at the clinic where I insisted to get a referral to a specialist laughed at me. He said I was just going to get the same diagnosis of asthma. I knew though something was terribly wrong. I could barely do any of my regular activities. Because I was lead to believe it was asthma I'd sleep with an air filter beside me. I'd sleep sitting upright. It took a week of tests before my new doctor figured it out. He originally thought it was COPD. After several tests they saw I had a massive blood clot in my left lung. 

Investigations to find out the cause followed after finding the clot. It wasn't genetic. It wasn't caused by a DVT. Months later I ended up with an interventional radiologist who declared I had May Thurner Syndrome. He recommended a stent, but my cardiovascular surgeon vetoed it. I was able to resume my activities, albeit a bit slower, but I easily got exhausted. I was in fighting mode though and got better with physiotherapy. 

At my ICU bed 2 days after I was transferred from the ward.

I was supposed to go off blood thinners by December 2020. My doctor transitioned me from Xarelto to Plavix. A week later after I started I was warded again. I went through CT scans, but the radiologist said they only saw residual clots (meaning it was the old clot). Two weeks later I was warded again and my respiratory doctor instinctively had me tested and saw I had multiple new clots. 

The second clot in January 2021 proved to be too much for my body. I went through numerous tests again - blood tests, leg scans, venogram, VQ scan, cardiac catheterization, two biopsies and even more blood tests - to figure out what the cause of my clots were (you need to know so you can prevent it from happening again). Oh did I mention I was warded again ten days after discharge? 

Finally stable, October 2021.

Coping with pulmonary embolism is a huge struggle. It drains you physically and mentally. In the past year I've had to visit a doctor every week. I am lucky to have the support of my family and close friends. It is not easy to understand what I've been through, but I am a survivor. The disease has taken away a lot from me, but I'm happy that I found the real me again and my faith is stronger than ever. 

Here's a shortlist how I coped:

1. Faith, lots of prayers and prayers from family and friends

2. Supportive family and friends, I now know who really loves me

3. Good doctors, nurses, medtechs and my amazing physiotherapist 

4. It was also helpful to be part of the Pulmonary Embolism support group (it also helps when you're feeling better to help others who just found out they've had a PE)

5. Writing everyday has also helped me. My doctor insisted I keep myself busy so I don't deteriorate. Early this year typing on a keyboard was the only thing I could do. I struggled with brain fog, but it started clearing up when my medicine dosage was adjusted. 

The most important thing I've learned through is the importance of advocating for yourself. Only you know your body the best. The cause of my clots will remain a mystery (multi discipline doctors have investigated to no avail). It's okay not to know, what's important is I'm still alive and I'm finally stable enough to go back home. 

Bottomless thank yous and appreciation from my doctors, the amazing nurses and medtechs and other health workers who have been taking care of me. For my family and friends, thank you for loving me, praying for me and being there through this. 

Feel free to ask any questions by leaving a comment below or you can drop me a message through my FB page or YouTube channel. 

Happy weekend everyone!

CB////*Yr2/188 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/209 #NewG260 #Home18 #Xmas70 #StayHome #BeKind

Dealing with Scary Episodes

In early July I finally went for a routine OB check-up. I haven't gone to one for years. I decided to go because breast cancer runs in my family. I wanted peace of mind. I was promptly scolded by my new OB when I told her I hadn't gone for a check-up for many years. She did the usual tests and said I was cleared. The nurse though told me that the doctor ordered for me to do a mammogram and ultrasound. 

I wasn't keen to do it tbh because I've done so many tests already. Grudgingly went to complete it and didn't think about it anymore. A few days later, on a Sunday, the nurse called me. She asked me to come in the next day for an important discussion with my doctor. She said they found something in the tests. 

There was a mass on my left breast. They wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer. I was immediately sent to a general surgeon. She explained the importance of doing a biopsy, but recommended I do it at another hospital. She said they could care for me better because they had complete doctors 24/7. 

Post biopsy photo lol.

Because of the situation it took a couple of weeks before I was able to meet the breast surgeon I was referred to. She took a look at my scans and reassured me that they didn't scream cancer. I had my first biopsy a week later. Waited an excruciating week for the result and was told it was benign and just fibroids. But... I was required to do another biopsy for the lymph nodes they found. 

The initial second biopsy schedule was botched (story here) and it was re-scheduled six days later. Ended up spending 13 hours at the hospital since the high risk team had to do the biopsy. The doctor told me he had a hard time chasing the lymph node (story here). Waited another excruciating week for the result. They only got very few samples, but it was clearly not malignant.** Whew! 

What started as an innocent routine check-up ended up in a wild goose chase. I'm glad though I had this cleared up. I've done a lot of tests this year and have learned the following:

1. Whatever you end up reading in Google about possible illnesses, just take it as information. Do not diagnose yourself and match the symptoms with what you feel. The more you think about it, the more it will happen. 

2. Going through procedures could be scary. It's useful to know ahead of time what you're going through by watching informational videos made by hospitals. I sometimes also watch patient testimonies. 

3. Stop those scary thoughts by praying. Don't even entertain the worst. Waiting for results can really make you anxious. Look up and think of something else. Keep yourself busy with a hobby or work. 

4. Establish a proper support group. I'm so lucky I have Sweetie, Miggy and a couple of friends who saw me through this. I'm also part of patient groups in FB and some of them have gone through the same issues. 

5. You will go through a lot of issues in your life. Just face it bravely and don't run away from it. Remember God always has your back and He'll only give you what you can bear. 

Well, throughout this ordeal I managed to produce 4 lovely pinwheel quilts. I made these as a farewell gift for some friends. Quilting is really sew-thing (soothing) haha. Watch how I made it and subscribe to my channel (Please?).

Have a great week everyone!

*For those getting a biopsy, it does not hurt at all. I had more arm pain after I got vaccinated (story here).

** I do have to get something checked, but it should be easy peasy. 

CB///*Yr2/162 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/185 #NewG285 #Home44 #Xmas96 #StayHome #BeKind  

The Saint Who Brought Me My Forever

My Mom brought me up to get to know the saints. They also taught it in school. I love the fact that I'm remembering this part of me and I could ask for their intercession for my prayers and intentions. Something missing? Pray to St. Anthony. Pandemic? Pray to St. Roch. Need a miracle? Pray to Padre Pio* and ask your guardian angel to whisper to his ear. Anxiety? Pray to St. Dymphna. Teaching? Of course, St. La Salle is the one. 

At the La Salle Generalate, Rome.

I'm happy I bounced back quickly from last week's procedure. It was a blessing in disguise it was rescheduled because I can get feedback from my doctor before I get vaxxed this week. I've been praying a lot and I realized that's what was lacking in me the past few years. I think after OHS** I got too brazen and thought I was invincible. I was doing my mission and took it for granted that all systems would just run smoothly. 

I prayed every night, but my head would always be buzzing with other things. A couple of weeks ago I thought I could improve with how I did my prayers. I always hear people say that you have to be specific about your requests. I downloaded two prayer apps and started to pray novenas (now I know why my Mom always uses her prayer books). It was then I remembered the saint who led me to Sweetie. 

St. Jude, the patron saint of impossible causes. At some point in my life I gave up on love. I was badly heartbroken and kept meeting the wrong kind of guys. I felt it was impossible to find true love. I heard about St. Jude, so thought I'd pray to him. I did and eventually met Sweetie. I think I never thanked St. Jude for helping write my love story. I thank him every night now and I'm requesting for a couple of impossible things. Have anything that you think is impossible? Pray to St. Jude. He gave me my forever (#sanaol). 

CB///*Yr2/155 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/178 #NewG292 #Home50 #Xmas103 #StayHome #BeKind 

*Padre Pio novena starts tomorrow

**OHS - open heart surgery

Mysteries, Miracles

One of the causes of anxiety is a perception that you do not have control over something. The best way to get a hold of feeling anxious is to manage how you perceive things. Kuya told me to look up when you're starting to feel anxious. It works because when you look up what you see immediately changes. That prevents you from falling into the ugly black hole. 

Dr. Joe Dispenza, on the other hand, says that we keep going back to these negative feelings because it becomes an addiction. An example is when you keep going back to a toxic relationship even though you already know it's bad for you. Or when you keep accepting too much work, but you still feel good even if it's affecting your health. That's why Dr. Joe wrote the book, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". 

I know I've fallen in the trap so many times throughout my life. I think the hardest thing to learn is letting go. Getting your grip off something you're so used to doing is hard. Trying to solve a mystery that doesn't have an answer can make you go gaga. There are things in life that you cannot control and best left as a mystery. 

I actually said that to the doctor the other day when he was briefing me before the procedure. He asked me what caused my PEs. I told him I got poked some many times already by different doctors. They couldn't explain clearly the cause of my clots. I don't worry about it now because I think mysteries can be disguised as miracles. 

Back in 2008 to 2009, the results of my blood test showed that the the tumor marker CA125 reached 5x normal level. It was so bad the medtech at Makati Med said she was so sorry for the results. My doctor did more tests, but did not find anything. After a visit to Kamay ni Hesus, the tumor marker went down to normal in a span of six months. My doctor couldn't explain why and said that he wished all his patients were like me. To me it was a miracle. 

So don't stress, the mysteries or the things in your life you cannot be control may be a miracle in disguise. Just leave it up to God to solve <3

CB///*Yr2/153 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/176 #NewG294 #Home52 #Xmas105 #StayHome #BeKind 

My Buying Habits have Changed

So much has changed in the last 2 years. I don't know about you, but I previously preferred to go to the mall and supermarket to buy things I need. Malling was my official exercise on record on my doctor's notes. I made him laugh so hard when I told him what my favorite exercise was. I didn't really like buying things online, but the situation forced me to change my buying habits. 

I started with buying groceries online. It was a huge pain because items were not always available. We also always did not get everything we ordered. Eventually though things improved and we only go to the grocery if we happen to pass by one when doing other errands (like every other month?). I only expanded to buying other things when I needed to buy craft materials. 

Well, that opened the floodgates for me haha. I've joined a couple of online hobby groups and started to learn more about tools that I can use to make quilting easier. Remember, my Mom taught me how to quilt using basic sewing materials and it's been fun to discover that there are things you can use to hasten the process. 

One of my favorite things to do is finding the best deal and sources. Buying craft materials/tools can be challenging. I was so proud of myself when I finally found the right sewing machine extension table haha. I look forward to discovering new online sources when I get home. What I look forward to trying are new food providers, especially the ones that are home made. 

Budol is real every month. I survived 8.8 but not 9.9 haha! I think it's worse than the sweldo sale that malls do back home. We avoided those mall sale days because of the heavy traffic and that's why I think these monthly online sale hosted by Lazada and Shopee is seriously risky! Hahaha. I've learned though and I make a running list of things I need. Hrhrhr. 

My fave Plaza Singapura

I still miss going to the mall. I've been able to still go every other month here in Singapore, but I don't think I'll get to do it when I go home. The funny thing is I've started to take photos of my favorite shops lately. Haha! Do you do that too?

P.S. I'm back home from my daycation at the hospital. Just reminiscing my malling days haha.

CB///*Yr2/152 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/175 #NewG295 #Home53 #Xmas106 #StayHome #BeKind 

The Second Time

Oh what an adventurous day for me. It's the second time of the second test I was supposed to do last Friday. I usually get anxious when I have tests because you can't predict the pain and my body sometimes have weird reactions.

I went to the hospital by myself so Sweetie could work. They don't allow anyway for relatives to hang around. In the morning I was cared for by a nurturing nurse. She kept calling me sayang which is a bahasa term of endearment. I'm not sure if she's from Malaysia or Indonesia. She tucked me in with a blanket and told me to rest. I complied haha.

It was a few hours later when I was finally brought to the OT by chariot, I mean by hospital bed. I was wheeled by an uncle and a friendly Pinoy nurse who reassured me every step of the way. We wheezed through wards and a maze of hallways to get to the other building. Never saw so many different types of ceilings in one ride haha.

Eventually met the doctor who was going to poke me today. He was so full of energy and positive vibes. My kind of doctor! I knew he'd take care of me well. The theater team were also all in high spirits. 

I was awake throughout the procedure and it wasn't scary. At some point the doctor shushed the team outside because they were noisy. I didn't know why he suddenly became serious so I just prayed. It was soon over and the doctor told me it was harder than he thought it would be, but he was able to get what he needed. Hopefully it will solve the question of my doctors.

Why am I sharing this? Unlike our favorite medical dramas, getting diagnosed and treated realistically doesn't happen at a snap of a finger. Usually doctors refer to a norm based on your gender, age group and ethnicity. The challenge happens when you don't fit the model. That's how my original respiratory doctor missed diagnosing my ginormous clots. So it's really important to advocate for yourself. 

On the other hand, be ready also for unsolved mysteries. Just leave it to God to heal in His time.

CB///*Yr2/151 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/174 #NewG296 #Home54 #Xmas107 #StayHome #BeKind 

 

Atas!

Atas is a term they use here in Singapore. It refers to "VIP/being treated like a VIP" or in colloquial term in the Philippines it means "sushal". I've known about the term, but it was the first time today it was used for me. 

After my doctor's appointment I jumped in a cab. The taxi driver was quite friendly and asked me if everything was alright with my hospital visit. I said my doctor was happy with my progress and that we spent an hour for the consultation. He said, "Wow! You're atas!" I laughed at his exclamation. He explained that doctors usually don't take that long when they see their patients. In the short ride he said atas several more times because he couldn't believe my doctor spent so much time with me. 

Well, he would have probably hit the roof if I told him my doctor has written a six-page report about me. He started the report in February and updates it whenever I have something new. The one-hour consultation isn't really a new thing because he really spends a long time with his patients (most are elderly, I'm the odd one usually hehe). It is unusual for a doctor to write a mega report, but he's been keen to solve the mystery of my blood clots. He explained that it's really unusual because my tests do not clearly show the cause and they don't add up. He said my case is more exciting than a Kdrama. Hahaha! 

I used to be so anxious about not knowing. Other similar patients like me usually get a full explanation from their doctor. I've had several doctors in different hospitals try to crack the mystery, but no answer has been found. After three years of chasing to solve the mystery and getting poked so many times I've given up. I'm just leaving it all to God. I've also re-connected with one of my favorite saints, St. Jude, to pray for another impossible request. 

So I'm atas. I look at the mystery now as a special challenge for me from God. It must be the next miracle He will provide for me soon :)

 CB///*Yr2/150 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/173 #NewG297 #Home55 #Xmas108 #StayHome #BeKind 

Comfort Food

One of the things I had a hard time adjusting to here in Singapore is the food. It was always difficult to choose what to eat because I'm so used to eating Filipino food. Well, I've also been pihikan with food since I was a child. Well it spurred me to learn to cook more Filipino dishes. I also always brought back longganisa, tocino, hotdog and Purefoods corned beef whenever I had the chance.

In the past few years more and more consumables from home has been imported here in Singapore. I used to have to go to Lucky Plaza or specialty shops to buy what I needed. They slowly added more products in supermarkets and eventually in online supermarkets. Items were easily snapped up and there was a time I panicked when I ran out of suka and toyo. Haha! 

So today I cooked some Mama Sita champorado. It certainly brought back happy childhood memories. We always had this at home for merienda. Daddy always paired it with tuyo. I still remember the aroma of chocolate plus tuyo and suka. It was the good old days. 

I look forward to going home. I've been praying for a smooth transition back home (no untoward incidents please!). A few months ago I ordered a specialty recipe book on traditional food from Quezon (I'm also looking for a Bicol one). One of the things I want to do is learn how to cook Daddy's favorites from Lucban (his hometown). I wish I had him teach me more dishes when he was still around. It was hard though because he never measured anything. So I only learned to make his mustasa and beef dish (recipe here).

It's raining hard outside, bagyo levels with howling winds. We don't have typhoons here in Singapore, but we've been getting heavy rain lately. It's strangely comforting and I guess a way for me to be prepared for home. 

What's your comfort food?

 CB///*Yr2/148 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/171 #NewG299 #Home57 #Xmas110 #StayHome #BeKind

Indestructible

"There's nothing you cannot do," is a lesson my parents taught me growing up. They impressed this on me whenever I would share my fears (like recitation!). They also told me how Ate topped the chemical engineering board exam. She set aside her nervousness while taking the exam. I learned to take a deep breath and pray to calm myself before I do anything that makes me nervous. 

Abating fears is not easy especially if you have anxiety. It's often hard to quiet down the voices in your head. I've recently had to deal with being medically ineligible to get vaccinated. At the prodding of my respiratory doctor I rechecked with my vascular doctor if I could get vaccinated. He said yes. I also checked with my cardiovascular surgeon and he said yes too. I trust my doctors, but of course I'm still scared because of the previous risks that were raised to me. 

So I prayed and asked God to remove my fears. My doctor gave instructions on how I should go about it. I then did some research and slowly started to understand why I should not be scared to get vaccinated. The NUH website gave advise for those medically ineligible. There were two important points that struck me:

(1) If medically ineligible check back with your specialist every few months because more data may be available (I was told no in June and by end August there was more information available for my doctor), (2) You are ineligible if you have low platelet count. [Source: NUH Infographic]

It was a blessing in disguise my other doctor ordered for a blood test. It included my blood count and I'm in the normal range (in fact it increased the past few months). Whew! What also helped me was Dr. Mike Hansen's video explaining the death of a doctor (video here). All of these just unfolded a few days after I prayed for help. I really want to do this for my family. 

I wasn't sure about writing about this today. I read first today's Kerygma reflection and was surprised to see the headline, "Do not fear, God is here". So I went ahead and wrote about how my parents taught me how to be resilient -- just have faith and trust in God! <3

"Say to the fearful of heart: Be strong, do not fear! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; with divine recompense he comes to save you. – Isaiah 35:4"

CB///*Yr2/147 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/170 #NewG300 #Home58 #Xmas111 #StayHome #BeKind

Managing Triggers

I haven't been sleeping well again the past few days. I'm scheduled for a test again tomorrow and I'm a bit anxious about it. My doctors have poked me so many times this year, but I never get used to it (and you shouldn't!). Aside from that I've had to deal with other things that set off my PTSD. 

The past year has been a test of patience and resilience. It's something a lot of pulmonary embolism survivors go through. In our patient group there's always someone who asks for help to deal with anxiety. This stems from the feat that you can clot again and you can die from it. I've had two clotting episodes and the second one has been really hard to recover from because the first one is still around! 

To recover from an illness you have to be strong mentally. I only started getting better when I got help. My doctor advised that you need to understand your triggers. You also need to be able to arrest the trigger and purposely pull yourself to another direction. It's not easy to do. I cried the other day because my doctor scolded me for asking too many questions. He apologized after a few minutes, but it already made me feel so bad. 

When the tears started to fall Sweetie asked what was wrong. I told him I got super stressed. In between hiccups I told him I needed milk tea haha. The tears immediately stopped. To be honest I had a hard time sleeping that night because of the incident. I felt better yesterday, but was once again triggered when a friend said I was fat. It took me hours to fall asleep again. I finally did when I thought about my dog Jolly. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection by Bo Sanchez was helpful of putting things in proper perspective. He said instead of battling "demons" think of the incident as God's way. You can think of the triggers as a way to deal with issues or as a way of learning. Now I will always ask myself, "What is God trying to teach me?". This will help me stay away from feeling bad and getting emotional. 

Please pray for me tomorrow as I undergo another test. May God bless the hands of the experts who will poke me again. 

CB///*Yr2/144 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/167 #NewG303 #Home61 #Xmas114 #StayHome #BeKind  

Breakthrough Coming!

My respiratory doctor told me last week I need to get vaccinated before I go back home. We've been working on my transition the past few months. He's the one who saved my life three years ago when he discovered I had a huge clot in my left lung. He saved my life again when he instinctively tested me and saw I had multiple clots in my left lung. A nurse told me that he said I was a challenging case, but he really took care of me. He's a rockstar doctor. 

The discussion about getting vaccinated started when I asked him if I should get the flu vaccine. He said we'll do it in my next appointment. He then asked me if I've been vaccinated for COVID-19. I said no because my vascular surgeon said it wasn't safe for me. He reassured me it was safe for me and I should definitely get it before I go home. The next day I tracked down my cardiovascular surgeon and vascular surgeon to get clearance. 

My cardiovascular surgeon is in the UK right now, but he kindly responded to my Whatsapp message. He gave clearance for me to get vaccinated. On my birthday, my vascular surgeon, the one who said I shouldn't get vaccinated, also gave his clearance for me to get vaccinated. Yaaaaasssss! That really made my birthday happy since I want my family to be less worried for me. Of course, we still need to take precautions. 

I did some research over the weekend and saw the MOH has some guidelines for those who are medically ineligible. One should check back with your specialist every few months since more research and data become available. I guess my doctors finally gave clearance because there's more data to support that it's safe for me. I'm now trying to find out how I can get vaccinated at a hospital. MOH website stated that if you are immuno-compromised or have health issues you can request to have it done at a hospital. I'm just waiting for my doctor's nurse to respond to my request. 

I'm also happy that Miggy and my Mom got their first dose. They only felt sore for a few days, but have been fine so far. We've had to remind Mom everyday not to do any gardening for the meantime. The rest of my family have been fully vaccinated. Thank you Lord :D

Day 30 Minimalism challenge, Re-purge your wardrobe. This is what I started to do at the beginning of the month. I realized though that I didn't have the space to keep those clothes that I plan to bring back home. As it is our home is currently really messy since we've started to sort things that will be brought home. We stalled sorting for now until we finalize plans with the movers. For my wardrobe I'm thinking what I should do with my winter clothes. I used to use it a lot when I traveled, but I think it's going to take years before I use them again. What about you? What have you done with your wardrobe? 

CB///*Yr2/141 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/164 #NewG306 #Home64 #StayHome #BeKind 

Eggs Benedict, Flowers, Cheese, Lechon and Lots of Love!

I had an amazing birthday. We decided to just stay home since I wouldn't be able to dine anywhere. We also decided not to have visitors since I'm not vaccinated and have to be more careful. Nonetheless, I had a happy birthday even with the restrictions. 

I was overwhelmed with so much love and care from family and friends. I thought it was just going to be a normal day, but I got a lot of surprises from the time I woke up. I did not have to worry about food because it just kept coming! Breakfast from Jac, a cheese platter from Ms. Myna and lechon from Cathy and Mike! The food will last until tomorrow. Our tummies are super happy! 

The day was also made beautiful with lots of flowers! Oh my! I wish I could preserve them since they are all so beautiful! I love flowers because they remind me of my Mom and her beautiful garden. I hope I'll be able to have my own gorgeous garden in the future. Thank you my Westies family for making my day beautiful. Hope to see you soon once I complete the good news I shared with you guys last night!

I spent an hour on the phone with my Mom last night. I always celebrate my birthday with my Mom. The last we were able to do that was in 2019. We spent the whole day out together with Sweetie and Miggy. That was in 2019 and that year me and my Kuya gave her a surprise party for her 85th birthday. I told her that we'll get to celebrate her birthday this year together.

I'm so grateful for all the lovely greetings. I also got surprise video greetings from team QSR and close friends. I teared up when I saw the greetings from my teacher community. I miss all of them and it was a good reminder for me that I did some good in the past 15 years of my life. 

I thank God everyday for the gift of life. After having another PE and getting poked from tests often I thought I wouldn't make it. My Mom reminded me yesterday that she went through the similar issues when she was my age, but she's now 86 and strong. I got my strong will and positive outlook in life from her. So I told Sweetie yesterday, we'll have to go for gold*!

Thank you everyone for your well wishes. I wish I could comment back to each and everyone of you, but I might get blocked again from commenting! I'll have to do it slowly I guess haha. Love you all! Keep fighting!

*Gold - golden anniversary

Day 29 Minimalism challenge, Say no to something. It took me years to learn to say no. I realized though I got into this health mess because I allowed myself to be bullied into doing more than I could. My body and mind battled with each other for many months. They're good with each other now, but I have to be mindful that they continue to agree with each other haha. So no, no, no, no and bullies be gone! 

CB///*Yr2/140 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/163 #NewG307 #Home65 #StayHome #BeKind 

Gonna Make It the Best Year!

I'm celebrating two milestones today, the start of my 46th year and my 15th Googleversary! It's the beginning of a new year for me and I want it to be an amazing year! My one wish will be granted when I finally go home later this year -- for my family to be together again. 

The challenges I've been facing, I know it won't disappear overnight. I will continue to face them bravely with faith that God will answer my prayers in time. There's a lot I'm looking forward to in the coming months. A simpler life with family, reconnecting with old friends and I hope to create more happy memories. 

I spent a lot of time thinking in the past few months. I had to think about what's best for me and my family. I have accepted the fact that my body has changed. I'm no longer the young 30-year old that embarked on this exciting journey. I had been given an extraordinary opportunity in the last 15 years, but given my current circumstances today it is time for me to move on. 

Birthday, 2019.

I'll focus on transitioning back to my life in Manila in the next few months. I hope I'll be able to personally say goodbye to all my friends in Singapore. And I hope I'll get clearance to get vaccinated. Please pray for me :)

Day 28 Minimalism Challenge, Clear out your makeup collection.  I don't really have a lot of makeup since I rarely wear any. I started to check my stash a few weeks ago and found out some of my stuff have dried out. Some smell like a grandma already so I tossed out those things already. Easy peasy.

CB///*Yr2/139 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/162 #NewG308 #Home66 #StayHome #BeKind 

Finally a Good Day :)

 have been facing a huge scary monster the past six weeks. That's the reason why I've been antsy and morose. Last July I had a routine check-up with the OB my urologist referred. It's been a long time since I went to see an OB and I thought I might as well get myself checked while I'm here. 

I breezed through the tests since I was confident there was nothing wrong. I was wrong. My doctor's nurse called on a Sunday and asked me to come in the next day. They found a mass and swollen lymph nodes. I was required to do a biopsy. The schedule took longer because I was referred to another hospital by the surgeon. She said they could care for me better at the other hospital. 

I went through the procedure last week. A senior doctor took over the test to keep me safe. I was just a bit dizzy after, but was sent home immediately. The small wound healed after a few days. I just had to avoid strenuous activities and carrying heavy stuff. 

Woke up early today to get the results from my doctor. She said there was nothing to worry about with the mass. It was benign and just fibroids. The nurse explained to me further that it's just tissue. My doctor though is scheduling another biopsy to check the unusual lymph nodes. Hopefully it's nothing serious. 

Thank you to my prayer warriors for always praying for me. And thank you Papa God for this good news. The week did not start well, but now I can celebrate my birthday tomorrow without any worry. Best birthday good news ever! Whew! 

Day 27 Minimalism Challenge, Eliminate a toxic relationship. I totally agree on this challenge! In the past year I have also cleaned up my feed and unfollowed people who keep posting toxic posts. It's really best to surround yourself with positivity. 

Goodbye Heavy Baggage

I know I have been so morose the past few weeks. I have been feeling anxious about my health. To calm myself I meditate, pray, use essential oils and exercise. There is a belief that emotions could get you sick. "Intense fear and panic attacks can really make our blood clot and increase the risk of thrombosis or heart attack." That's from a study by the University of Bonn (source). 

I tried to process what happened yesterday before I went to sleep last night. I asked myself why I was so affected by getting rejected. I realized I've been carrying a lot of resentment in my heart. It's because of unmatched expectations. I need to better appreciate those who are giving me the support I need than expect from those who are not there for me. 

Expectations are the heaviest baggage you can carry. Sylvia Plath said, "If you expect nothing from somebody you are never disappointed." I resented the rejection yesterday because I expected to be treated differently. It will be better for me to let go of my expectations.

Chade-Meng Tan taught us an exercise when I attended his class. He said what's better than feeling grateful is being grateful for someone else. I thought about my friend whose daughter was in the ICU and intubated for over two weeks. I've been praying fervently for his daughter to get well. Yesterday he shared that his daughter is being discharged. The collective prayers of all his loved ones and community paid off. I felt so grateful for me. 

And that's what calmed me down last night. I shed tears of frustration through the process, but I felt so much better. I thanked God for healing my friend's daughter and started to pray for another friend who I found out has COVID-19. I'm hoping my personal prayers get answered too, but if not I'm sure God has a different plan for me. 

Let's all pray for each other my friends. 

Day 26 Minimalism Challenge, Get all your errands done. Yes! I have a lot of "online errands" to do today. I have to respond to the movers I reached out to and email my doctors. An angel also reminded me last night to get a second opinion regarding my vaccination. My to-do list today is quite long and I will make sure to finish it! 

CB///*Yr2/137 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/160 #NewG309 #Home67 #StayHome #BeKind 

Rejected

Today I was turned away by a coffeeshop and a restaurant because I'm not vaccinated. The people at the restaurant were kind. They allowed us to sit while waiting for our takeaway. The coffeeshop crew though were quite rude. They said they'd only allow me if I had a swab test. They made me feel like I had the virus. 

I rarely go out. I even got myself an exercise bike so I don't have to go to the gym or go out for walks. I only go out to see my doctor. I went out today to see my doctor and then went to the mall for some errands. In between errands I usually rest at a coffeeshop for about 20 minutes and then go my way. I make it a point to sit away from people. 

I'm grateful that the crew at the restaurant were more sensitive. They allowed me to sit and asked why I was medically ineligible. They even told me to take care. I think that was a better approach versus how the coffeeshop did it. 

I know they have these policies in place to protect all of us. It would have been helpful if they had signages on the shop stating that you need to be vaccinated to dine in (they didn't). The protocols keep changing so it gets confusing (the last time I was there over a month ago I was still able to dine in). 

My doctors also have different opinions about getting vaccinated. One says I have nothing to worry about, another one says it's too risky for me. One did an eyeroll. Another just looked at me. Sigh. I will get the help of my champion doctor to figure this out. Pray for me?

Day 25 Minimalism Challenge, Batch cook your meals. Maybe I'll be able to do this when I'm back home. I don't know about you, but I cook very slow. I usually take so long slicing stuff because I have to make sure I don't cut myself. I use up at least an hour just cooking one dish. Yup, that's how slow I am haha. But maybe when I have more kitchen space I'd be able to plan things better noh? 

CB///*Yr2/136 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/159 #NewG310 #Home68 #StayHome #BeKind 

Reconnecting 10 Years

I always knew that I would eventually go back home. That made it really hard for me to adjust to life in Singapore. It did not help that I had to travel a lot. It was impossible to put down any roots or establish deeper relationships. I did make some friends, but between traveling and being sick half the time it did not really leave me enough time to socialize. I'm grateful for the friends who have been patiently been there for me the past ten years. 

Two years ago I realized I needed to make a better effort at keeping in touch with my friends back home. It's not really enough to let your presence felt by liking their posts or leaving comments. I missed a lot of important occasions already and I felt I needed to be physically present for get togethers. So in 2019 I organized a get-together and then I went home again to surprise someone for a birthday. It made me really happy and it helped my healing journey. 

I'm so blessed to have friends who are always just there for me. It's really important to have a solid support group. Last night we had a farewell video call for one of our friends who's moving to the US. We ended up looking at our old photos and it felt like no time was lost. The funny thing is when we're together we don't feel we've all aged. I really look forward to going home and being able to send them stuff from my kitchen. And hopefully have those get-togethers again (eventually). 

Day 22 Minimalism Challenge, Evaluate your storage. I have been doing this by part in the past week. I started with my fabric stash since I realized I just kept ordering fabric without checking my stash haha (#fabricaddict). I made a list of projects and then a list of fabric I need to complete those projects. Now I just need to make sure I stick to those projects haha. We're also evaluating our freezer today since we need to start emptying it before we go home. I'll be making a list also of things to cook for the next few weeks and won't be doing groceries anymore. 

CB///*Yr2/133 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/156 #NewG313 #Home71 #StayHome #BeKind

Wiped Out

I had to do a test today. It was a short one, but got so wiped out. I think I'll just get some more rest and just blog more tomorrow. 

Oh, and I'm so relieved Miggy got his first dose of the vaccination today. He said he feels awful right now. Hopefully he'll feel better soon.

Tomorrow: I found a new-age Mr. Rogers! 

Minimalism Challenge: skipping today, will continue tomorrow :)

CB///*Yr2/131 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/154 #NewG315 #Home73 #StayHome #BeKind

Upgraded to One in a Million

I was surprised to get so many nurse visits after I had heart surgery 8 years ago. They were a curious bunch. One of them explained to me that I was a text book case, occurring only once in a hundred thousand people. She was referring to the veins in my neck. 

Since then I was told not to allow just anyone to probe or poke me. I had a venogram last June again and I think I traumatized my doctor haha. They have been trying to solve the mystery of what's causing my clots. They decided to do another venogram, a proper one, to determine the cause. Knowing the cause is important so you can prevent another clotting incident. 

Well, they got some clues, made emergency plans (if really needed) and declared I should not get the vaccination for COVID-19. My doctor said that I will most likely have a severe reaction to it and he won't be able to save me. I also had myocarditis last year after I caught a viral infection from a taxi driver. 

My manager always joked before that I should probably live in a bubble. I was a magnet for viruses and got sick at he oddest times. I caught the viral infection last year from that one day I wore a fabric mask. I wore a fabric mask because my doctor told me it'll be better for me. I have accepted that I do need to live in a "bubble" now. I'm able to cope with lots of hugs from Sweetie so far and look forward to Miggy's super hugs when I get home. 

It's not fun to have a medical condition. It requires a lot of patience, tibay ng loob, and faith. My doctors always say that I have a good understanding of what I've been through. Sometimes I ask God why have I been blessed to live. I realized last week that I am still around because God loves me and wants me to share to everyone that faith and love can really keep powering you on. 

Day 20 Minimalism challenge, Create a relaxing space. Ahhhh I have just upgraded my spot on the couch. I got this cute "toast" pillow which I just realized is made of memory foam. It was supposed to be a surprise for Miggy, but it looked so comfortable when I opened it I decided to use it for myself! It's been the perfect add-on to my spot on the couch. 

CB///*Yr2/131 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/154 #NewG315 #Home73 #StayHome #BeKind