Astonishingly Amazing April

I thought April would be a chill month where I could rest and recuperate. Turned out to be a very, very busy month! The good thing about it I end the month on a good note. I was able to do 5k+ steps today! The last time I was able to do that was in early February. 

That's a big deal for me because my average step count was only 2k per day at the beginning of the month. I used to average 6 to 8 thousand a day when I used to go to the office. At least 10k when I travel. It's been hard for me because I feel like I'm always carrying a heavy backpack uphill. That's why I walk very slow. 

I'm getting a bit more clarity now on what I'm going through. I did a number of tests in the last two weeks. It's been exhausting, but at least I'll soon find out what can be done to improve my quality of life. In the meantime I still need to stay home to rest and recover. 

Happy to end the month on a good note. Changing my mindset to improve at least 1% a day helped a lot. I spent a lot of time praying and focusing on where I want to be. Circumstances also forced me to strive harder, but I've been reminded to take it slowly. 

With faith, things can only get better :)

CB///Yr2/20  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/47 #StayHome #BeKind  

Surrender Your Suffering

This week has been challenging. I was sent to see a new doctor to review my case. She found the issue on why my recovery is slow. The news was overwhelming. The frustration bubbled up again and for a few days I just coasted along. I needed time to wrap my head around the news. 

To keep myself productive I worked on uploading old photos. It helped calm me down. I saw photos of me traveling a lot. It was six years before I had heart surgery. I had an action filled life. I adjusted my lifestyle post-heart surgery. It wasn't action-filled, but it was still adventurous.

I've been forced to slow down for a couple of months now. I thought I'd be back in action by now. I have to sit and wait a few more weeks to know what we can do moving forward. I was overwhelmed for a few days. When that happens I become unproductive. I hopped from one task to another without finishing anything. 

Eventually I realized how I continued to live an action-filled, adventurous life despite all my medical conditions. I always surrendered everything to God. I let Him navigate my life. The forced slow-down the past few months has been a prolonged delay to re-calibrate me. 

Just trust in Him.

"I have accepted fear as part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back..." - Erica Jong

CB///358  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/21 #StayHome #BeKind   

Plans to Go Out Foiled

I've been wanting to go to Ikea for a few weeks now. Told Sweetie about it last Friday and he said we'd go on Saturday. Prepared to go after our auntie cleaner left. I was dressed up already and decided to change my bag. It was that moment my plan was ruined. 

I miss you Ikea meatballs!

I must've inhaled some dust because it promptly triggered an asthma attack. Ugh. Tried to see if it would go away immediately. It did, but I knew I was already compromised. I decided to stay home to rest. And that's how I am for now. I have to carefully think about my activities. 

But, oh boy, I've been dreaming of eating meatballs for so long now. I don't remember the last time I went there. We were supposed to try again this morning, but I overslept hehe. We decided to stay home and keep busy with our hobbies. I ended up planning my next quilt project and fixing my sewing kit. Guess what I discovered --

I have too many pairs of scissors! And these are just the ones I use for sewing! No wonder Sweetie pulls me away from the scissor section whenever we're at Daiso, Spotlight or a bookstore. LOL. 

Hope you had a peaceful Sunday! 

CB///352  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/15 #StayHome #BeKind  

My Doctor Commended My Positivity

I was euphoric for two days because I was feeling a bit better. It came crashing down last night when I suddenly felt so exhausted. It must've been because I did more time on the bike than usual. Slept soundly and woke up early for my checkup. 

I had to see a different doctor. She's been my doctor for a few years now, but I haven't seen her since 2018. I like seeing her because she's so thorough and explains everything clearly. She acknowledged that I've been through a lot of trauma the last few months. She commended me for my positivity. 

I needed to hear that today. I was starting to feel desolate again. There has been more bad days than good days. Hearing my doctor tell me that it's really lovely to see positivity was a great reminder. It reminded me to believe that in God's time I would be well. 

Tomorrow a friend is going to send me buko pie! I'm super looking forward to it. I don't remember the last time I ate buko pie. Maybe 2 years? Or even 3? We usually buy buko pie whenever we go to Tagaytay or Los Banos. I'm excited for it to arrive tomorrow and also got a pie for my Westies. That will surely perk me up! 

CB///343 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/6 #StayHome #BeKind 

One Percent Per Day

I am grateful to all my family and friends who have been praying for me. It gives me strength to fight back. I also appreciate the spiritual guidance Sister Lirio and my Kuya have been providing for me. This has been really tough for me, more than when I had heart surgery. 

The rain from the last few days has given me a respite. Last week was bad since I bled again. It took five days before it resolved. I didn't go to my doctor because I felt it would resolve on its own and I don't want to be warded* again. There was pain, but dealing with the frustration was harder. I've decided to see my doctor this week. 

Today I will resume physiotherapy. I need to get moving. I did some light exercises last week. Through my frustration I realized that I had to change my perspective on getting well. I was getting frustrated because I was expecting to get fully well by a certain date. The date kept moving and moving and moving. 

I watched Bo Sanchez' video on "How you can improve 1% per day?". I'm taking inspiration from that and focusing on improving at least 1% everyday. This way I can celebrate progress however small it is. I went from bleeding and puffing my inhaler five times a day to no bleeding to three inhaler puffs a day by end of the week. 

Ahhh, yes, progress even at 1% per day is still an improvement which should be recognized. It's like my quilting projects. They move really slowly, but each day I see the fruits of my labor. That makes me happy and I think a huge part of recovering for me is to stay positive and happy, follow doctors orders and keep praying. 

Thank you for praying for me my friend. 

CB///339 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/2 #StayHome #BeKind 

*Warded = admitted in the hospital 

Listening

Energy streak ended as expected when I finished the 3-day medication my doctor gave me. I was still energetic yesterday morning, but by mid afternoon I started feeling wiped out.

I really thought the newfound energy was going to stick around so I baked some cheese cupcakes after lunch. I had been meaning to bake since December because I wanted to send it to some friends. I started feeling tired midway while baking, but I pushed on and managed to finish it. I'm glad I was able to make some of my friends happy with my baked goodies. 

I realized now why my doctor told me several times to listen to my body. I did not expect to crash this bad, but at least I was able to sleep without much trouble last night. I also spent most of today sleeping. I wasn't able to make it to my physiotherapy session since my whole body was aching haha. The struggle is real!

So that's it for me today, just resting. I hope tomorrow I'd have a bit more energy.

Happy Friday everyone. 

CB///323 #StuckAtHomeDay/353 #StayHome #BeKind

Going Back to Basics on Kuya's Birthday

Today is my Kuya's birthday. Happy birthday to my favorite Kuya in the whole wide galaxy! We always joke about him being my favorite Kuya because I really don't have a choice since he's my only male sibling. The same goes for my Ate who is my only female sibling. Haha. I do have a lot of Kuyas since I have my brother-in-law, his siblings, my sister-in-laws siblings, my cousins and my Kuyas in our community. Of course the title of most favorite goes to my one and only blood brother, my Kuya Jojo. 

I thought I'd mention my Kuya in my post today because he's always been my guide, my mentor. He's always been there for me. He's 13 years older than me and has been guiding me especially in my growth path since I was in high school. He was already teaching marketing when I was in high school and he'd practice stuff on me. I think I also mentioned in one of my blog posts before that he brought me back from going into the light after I had heart surgery. Dad was already there picking me up, but I heard Kuya praying over me when I was at the ICU and I went back. Shhh, he doesn't know about this. 

And that's our special bond. I mentioned him here today because he's been waiting for me to set-up our VC. I told him I need help to move forward from where I am today -- on the sick boat. I haven't done so because I know he'd ask me questions I'm not ready to answer now. I have finally accepted the fact that I have ignored 6 years worth of Papa God's knocks and I have not listened to any of them. And here I am in a very bad rut. I haven't been getting well and my doctor has put me now on some very aggressive medication. 

I have taken the first step to get out of this pit -- accepting my mistake. I realized the only way to get out of this pit is to listen to what Papa God has been trying to tell me in the last six years. And the only way to do it is go back to basics. Luckily the medication has given me a spurt of energy (this will end tomorrow). My brain is finally working somehow and I've been able to make a list of basic goals I have to work on to get out of this pit. Once I have that plan then I can finally sit down with my Kuya to figure it out.  

CB///320 #StuckAtHomeDay/350 #StayHome #BeKind 

Pushing Too Hard

The last time I really felt I was progressing was when I was discharged in mid-January. That was the time I worked on increasing the number of steps I could make. The progress stopped when I started bleeding and had to be hospitalized again. I picked up almost where I left off after I got discharged, but progress has been very slow which has been very frustrating. 

I've been trying to increase my activities at home and also trying to increase the number of meters I could walk in one go. I also rested a lot in between our walks, but my breathing the last few days has not been good. I've also been having frequent asthma attacks and a lot of headaches. It was really bad last night I thought I had to go to the ER. Luckily I managed. 

I'm not sure if its caused by food (or too much food) or something else. I've been taking my medication as prescribed, but I think maybe the new blood thinner isn't doing it's job. Or maybe I'm not hiyang to it. I realize though that in January I was taking pain medication also and that probably helped me progress faster.  If things aren't better in a day or two I'll go see my doctor. 

There's the point also that I may have been pushing myself too hard. All the things I've been going through lately is new to me and I'm not used to just sitting and waiting for it to go away. Just before I started this post I was feeling a bit dizzy, but because I'm just sitting I picked up my computer and started typing away. Sweetie said, "Kaya mo ba? Kala ko nahihilo ka?" Errrm, yes, bad habit.

Good night. 

CB///312 #StuckAtHomeDay/342 #StayHome #BeKind

Confused, eh

I'm so annoyed with myself. I spent the afternoon cutting fabric to finish a quilt blanket project I started 18 months ago. I finished measuring cutting the fabric and then realized I made a mistake with the measurement. Grrrrr. I didn't have enough fabric left so will need to find the same fabric so I can complete the blanket. Sigh. 

And the mistake is due to one of the issues I've been having -- confusion. I noticed this when we went home from the hospital in mid-January. I told my doctor about this and he wasn't too concerned. This maybe due to breathing issues I'm still experiencing and will hopefully resolve soon. I'm usually on-point with most things and sometimes it gets frustrating. 

One of the dangers of this is getting my medication mixed up. Ahh, this is where I have to be very careful about. I must not double up or miss drinking my meds, it will be disastrous if I do. No worries, my neurologist also checked me recently and said I should be fine. Will just need to monitor myself closely and my doctors gave me pointers what to watch out for. 

On a happy note, I finally finished my Christmas project. I started it in October and was able to send my creation to a few friends in the Philippines. I haven't been able to give the ones for my friends here in SG because December got disrupted. It was impossible to sew at the hospital since my hand was always pre-occupied with another type of needle hehe. Here's what I made for my friends.

It's a mug rug! It's meant to be used for your coffee or tea. I'm glad my friends liked it. Here's another version I made -

If you want to make one for yourself you can watch the video below or read the instructions on The Evening Quilter -

CB///303 #StuckAtHomeDay/333 #StayHome #BeKind

What is God Disciplining Me For?

The readings the last few days has been about trusting in God more. Last night's reflection on Didache asked about what you think is God disciplining you on. I've been reflecting on this the past few days since I'm working on defining my core. After watching Bo Sanchez' Fulltank vid I realized one of the issues I've always struggled with is saying no.

 

I realized this further when I watched one Queer Eye episode where they made over the life of an 18-year old. The story brought me back to those days I was young and already crazy busy. That was the time my Mom would always tell me to rest. I was always doing so many things and accepting projects left and right. I'm still the same to this day. 

That has been my nature and it's been open to abuse. I know my limits, but it doesn't take much to pester me to say yes. I end up feeling guilty when I say no. I haven't slept well because I have been avoiding getting roped me to something that would surely stress me out. I've had to tell myself again and again that I am still recovering and stress will not be good for me. 

I have survived two pulmonary embolisms in the last 28 months. I survived TWICE. And one of the things that I must really, really learn is to say no. Just say no and don't feel guilty about it. I've known this since my first PE and it's why I took a break before, but I slid back last year and the stress affected my health severely. 

And that's one of my prayers, for me to learn how to say no and not to feel guilty about it so I can take of myself better. I hope I can take away this feeling of guilt so I can rest soundly at night. I need to be able to sleep well so my body can heal better. Please pray for me as I journey through this healing process. 

CB///301 #StuckAtHomeDay/331 #StayHome #BeKind