Surrender Your Suffering

This week has been challenging. I was sent to see a new doctor to review my case. She found the issue on why my recovery is slow. The news was overwhelming. The frustration bubbled up again and for a few days I just coasted along. I needed time to wrap my head around the news. 

To keep myself productive I worked on uploading old photos. It helped calm me down. I saw photos of me traveling a lot. It was six years before I had heart surgery. I had an action filled life. I adjusted my lifestyle post-heart surgery. It wasn't action-filled, but it was still adventurous.

I've been forced to slow down for a couple of months now. I thought I'd be back in action by now. I have to sit and wait a few more weeks to know what we can do moving forward. I was overwhelmed for a few days. When that happens I become unproductive. I hopped from one task to another without finishing anything. 

Eventually I realized how I continued to live an action-filled, adventurous life despite all my medical conditions. I always surrendered everything to God. I let Him navigate my life. The forced slow-down the past few months has been a prolonged delay to re-calibrate me. 

Just trust in Him.

"I have accepted fear as part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back..." - Erica Jong

CB///358  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/21 #StayHome #BeKind   

Good Friday 2021 - God Loves You

I watched the 7 Last Words via Feast TV this afternoon. The 7 last words reminds us that God loves us. The reflections shared by the priests and the lay people were testaments to God's love for us. If you are going through something, fear not, pray, have faith. God will always love you. 

CB///357  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/20 #StayHome #BeKind   

Delays Can Be Good Too

The past two days have been very busy for me. I talked to so many people. More than the number I've spoken to in the last month. It's been challenging since I've had to take it really easy. I think I've made good progress in the past few days. I hope I will consistently progress. 

I looked at today's GodWhispers again for some inspiration. This was the message --

I wanted to blog before I left for physiotherapy, but I couldn't find the right words. I ended up delaying my blog post lol. Indeed the day got better and I found joy. 

A friend messaged me awhile ago to let me know how much my communities are flourishing. I was told the same thing yesterday. I was so happy to hear this bit of news. I feel so grateful that they're all coming together and doing what they do best -- help other teachers learn how best to use technology for learning and student engagement. 

I never worried about them because I know they are all good people and will continue the advocacy even without me. I learned through the years that taking a big step back oftentimes helps bring forward the best talents. My recovery may be delayed, but it's definitely brought about a lot of improvements. 

I am grateful :)

CB///347 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/10 #StayHome #BeKind 

Dousing Anger with Humility

I had a bad dream last night. In it I was very angry. I don't know why I was angry. Sweetie woke me up because I was making a fuss. When I went back to sleep I dreamt my Mom and Dad were there. My Dad was trying to tell me something. I'm not sure what it was. 

I had a dizzy spell before I went to sleep last night. It just came so suddenly while I was brushing my teeth. I haven't had that for awhile now. I think it's from stress from being away from work for so long now. When I woke up I still felt angry. I'm angry and frustrated that I'm still unwell. 

I had to meet someone this morning and I was afraid that I might end up directing my frustration at him. It was three minutes before my meeting. I prayed. I also looked for today's GodWhispers and got this -

Be humble. I didn't have time to process it. I just took a deep breath and obeyed. The words just flowed out of me during the meeting. I had an idea what I wanted to communicate in the meeting. I got what I wanted because I was able to stamp out the frustration and anger with humility. And I was able to communicate what I wanted. 

Prayer is truly powerful. Have a great week my friends. 

CB///346 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/9 #StayHome #BeKind 

How Do you Carry Your Cross?

Time flies so fast. It's the end of February and we're almost 2 weeks now through the Lenten season. Every year we are reminded about how Jesus bore the Cross for all of our sins. The past two weeks the homily has been about that. The priest yesterday though took a more practical approach in his sermon and it got me thinking. What is the Cross that you bear? And how do you carry it?

“The presence of God will be a great advantage to you to help and 

to inspire you to do your actions well.” - St. John Baptist de La Salle

Oftentimes when I'm going through something challenging I always try to remind myself that it's usually not about the person challenging you, but how you react to it. It's so easy to strike back and just hurt the other person. It's oftentimes hard to be the better person. Experience and a lot of patience helps, so I oftentimes find myself revising an email I'm about to send. I reword it so that it's much more constructive than hurtful. Adversity with others is difficult, but what about with yourself?

I think one of the heaviest crosses I carry is my health. I had open heart surgery 5 years ago and things have never been the same. The heart is mechanically good, but for the past year I had a delayed onset of adult asthma. It's under control now, but when I'm unwell my bright, sunny, cheerful world turns dark (like Gotham City). When I'm unable to do anything, I lie helpless in bed and I become really sad. Coupled with grieving and work stress it's not a good place to be in.

I prayed and I prayed really hard. I know God's sends me angels to show me the way, like the uncle taxi driver who drove me to the airport in Taipei. He had a very cheerful disposition in life and reminded me so much about my Dad (see story below). Our uncle shuttle bus driver who said I was special because I had the bus all to myself. The students of my MIL who shared the impact she made in their lives. My cardio who noted during my check-up that I continue to have a sunny disposition despite my ailments (he always puts this on his records). He said that it really helps in keeping me alive. I am also very thankful that my family is very loving and supportive.  It's the little things that usually bring me back to my usual happy self.

We all bear different crosses. I always try to remember as well that God only gives us crosses that we can bear. It's there because there is a lesson to be learned. In the last 5 years since my surgery I adjusted a lot. My allergologist said, "The first step is acceptance." I accepted the fact that my body isn't the same as everyone else and I have limitations on what I can do physically (that's probably why my brain is always so hyperactive, all my energy is there). I have accepted it and just let the Will of God guide me through everything I do. It ain't easy. Just do all things with love.

What about you? What cross do you bear? How do you manage it?


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My guardian angel: Uncle Tiger

Guardian angels come in different forms and sizes. Today's guardian angel is Uncle Tiger. He saved me from the freezing cold lobby where I had a meeting, helped me pick up my luggage and whisked me off to the airport. He spoke very good English so I asked him what his previous work was. He was a mechanical engineer who worked in 5 different countries. He said he is 68 years old now and drives a taxi because he is bored and likes meeting interesting people. Young at heart he said his past time is driving around on his Harley Davidson motorcycle. He had so much infectious joy in him (I need this badly!).. Hopefully I'll see him again when I'm back in Taipei.

Purpose

A Lenten Reflection

In the last few years I have lost many loved ones. In my family my Dad and my second-Dads (my uncles) have gone to heaven (the women have proven to have longer lives in our clan). I have several friends who have also left.

Yesterday I was so happy to hear from a friend who is going through a very rough time with his health. I knew he was undergoing surgery and I was so worried all week since I have not heard from him for awhile. I've been praying so hard that he would be okay and I breathed a sigh of relief when he pinged me. My joy was short-lived though because he said there's been a recurrence in what he's going through.

After experiencing complications with my surgery (my cardio later on admitted that they were very, very worried), I honestly did not know what to say to my friend. There's a huge difference between undergoing surgery for repair vs. surgery for recovery. It got me thinking, how come I survived two life-threatening episodes? I almost gave up those two times, but I held on to the idea that my family needs me and I need to survive.

And then I remembered what my Dad kept telling us, "You are here for a purpose. When your mission is done, that's the time that you will be called home."

Prinum Regnum Dei.

Now I understand why my Dad requested to have that engraved on his tombstone. It means, "First the Kingdom of God" from Matthew 6:23 which ties up to what my Dad kept reminding us on about our purpose.

I must say the last 2 years following my surgery has been a test of faith. I buried myself in work, probably to prove that I could still do things and I am alive. I've moved teams recently and the last few weeks have given me time to breathe and reflect. I have had time to do things I like doing and spend time engaging with friends. It's reminded me to enjoy life as well and not just spend it working hard (hopefully at my purpose).

The reminder though does not ease the sadness I am feeling over my friend, but it has renewed my quest to fulfil my purpose.