Organizing

I think my brain is finally rewiring back to what it was before I fell into medical depression. Medical because it was caused by the health issues I went through. It happens especially to people who experience blood clots. That's what my doctor explained to me and we worked on my coping mechanisms. He discharged me reluctantly back in 2021, so I was on my own to cope. 

I told him I could do it and I didn't want to drink any additional medication since I have other maintenance meds. I felt it was numbing me, so with faith and the love of my boys, I fought back. I read that one tell-tale sign of depression is being disorganized. Clutter piles up and you just don't have the energy to fix things. It's overwhelming and one reason why it took two years to finish sorting and emptying my childhood home. 

I kept fighting. Rested when needed and rewarded myself whenever I achieved something. I feel I turned a big corner today. I cleared out my sewing table and organized my gardening table. These are my "work stations" where I am productive and get to clear my mind. As much as possible, I don't use my phone when I'm at my work stations. It helps ground me. 

Little steps for healing and I'm happy I achieved something today. It's just small pockets of a bigger mess, but at least something moved today. I still plan to tackle my bench box later (it's where I keep my journals). Will see, if I have too much fun sewing I'll do it tomorrow :)

#BeKind #StaySafe

Break Being Broken

The past week has been really challenging. I had more bad days than good days. I kept waking up and there were unfortunate incidents during the week. One thing that bothered me a lot was the construction beside us. Then we lost electricity because the truck that collects trash hit nipped the Meralco wire in front of our house. I woke up palpitating because the crew shouted when the line was cut. Thought there was an emergency. Got up to check what was happening, showered and promptly passed out because of the heat. 

Ahhh, the cycle repeated several times this week and it left me feeling broken. I fought it because I didn't want to fall into the abyss again. What helped was Kuya and Ate Joy's surprise visit. I had 3 asthma attacks on that day and they arrived when I was still recovering from the third one. It took my mind off feeling unwell and we had a good night. And that probably gave me the strength to survive the rest of the rough week. 

What helped center me was to spend time tending to my garden. Taking care of another living thing helps. It makes you want to feel better so you can do things for others. In my case, the plants need to be tended to live and grow properly. I also worked on organizing my garden tools so it's easier to get items when I work on the plants. 

I had a long list of things to do this week. The only thing I ticked off was paying bills. We attempted to do some of the errands last Friday, but my tummy acted up. I decided to call it a week and just focus on feeling better. We can just attempt to work on the checklist next week. 

I always remind myself that whatever happens Papa God loves me and whether it's a good or bad day I just have to pray because He's the only one who can heal us. 

A blessed Sunday my friend. <3

#BeKind #StaySafe

If You Fail, Write a New Story

We just started watching Grey's Anatomy again since we recently signed up for Disney+. There was an interesting story line from season 17. Dr. Schmitt, one of the residents, lost a patient during surgery. He immediately lost confidence in himself and became depressed. Dr. Webber tried to get him to go back, but he refused and just stayed home playing video games. He said he liked playing because he can do things over again without bringing harm to anyone. 

Several episodes later, Dr. Schmitt had an argument with his mother. She walked out, but fell down the stairs. Levi then called Dr. Webber for help and that eventually led him back to the hospital. It was during his first surgery when a new doctor, Dr. Marsh, told him that he should just learn from his failure and write a new story. 

That line struck me because I felt I failed when I had to retire early because of my health. It took me a long time to accept my new reality, but I eventually realized I had an opportunity to re-work my life. It was indeed a major path change, but I know and trust that God put me where I should be. 

This little kitty is just learning how to walk. It probably can't see properly yet, but it's been ready to explore the world since he/she was born :)

I'm now probably just 1% of how productive I was when I was still working, but I'm where I want to be. I wanted to be in a place where I can create new, happy memories with my boys. I blog everyday as part of my therapy. I make videos to document some of our memories and I make tutorials as a guide for myself when I want to do something again. 

Failure is always an opportunity to learn and to write a new story. And as Amelia said in the latest episode I watched, let it soak in and use that pain to do better. :)

Remember, Papa God loves you. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: Stay Grounded

I lived in a nice bubble for 15 years. Nothing seemed impossible. I learned along the way that as long as you had clear goals and planned your program well, you'd definitely achieve what you want.

Mind you, working there was hard. You never really have time to rest on your laurels because you're expected to build on your achievements and multiply it. You're able to focus on work because everything else is cared for. No need to worry about your commute or food. I was cared for when I got very sick and I had access to the beat doctors. Honestly, I wouldn't be around if not for them. 

Early on though I knew it wouldn't last. In my early years I would always ask my managers if I was at the end of my journey and should I look for a new job. I flabbergasted two managing directors with those questions. I stopped asking when the second one got so shocked. I did that because I was a single Mom then and I needed reassurance.

When my cardiologist told me that I was finally due for surgery, I shifted gears and started planning for the worst. I saved and lives frugally to make sure my family wouldn't have a hard time in case I didn't make it. I kept grounded on the reality also that one day I would leave the bubble. 

It was hard to take the first step out of the bubble, but after spending most of my time in and out of the hospital for four months I knew realistically it was time to leave. So I followed the orders of my doctors and went back home.

I thought about staying grounded when a friend remarked about the perils of working for a company for a very long time. It becomes part of who you are and eventually it's going to be hard to separate yourself from it. What she said is true and I guess it's also hard for the people who knew you as someone who's part of that company. 

That's why the first thing I did when I left the bubble was to figure out who was I before I got sucked in. I retraced my steps, found my long time friends and created new routines. It took awhile and I honestly haven't been thinking about the bubble anymore. I'm at that point when I'm now just remembering the happy times and I just keep in touch with those who are really close to my heart. I'm also far enough now that I could look at what they're doing critically (haha). 

Keep grounded. At the end of the day what's more important is you and your loves ones.

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: Live Grateful

I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and depression last year after my second PE*. A friend suggested to me to see a proper doctor since I used up the consultations benefit. I knew also from the experience of other PE patients that it's important to get help. PE is truly a different kind of monster. 

I breezed through 2 OHS' and I was still able to cope after my first PE. The second one though really did a number on me. I emailed the doctor as my friends suggested, but I waited another six weeks before I followed-up. I only followed up because I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't motivated to do anything.

First vs. Last day at my psych doctor's office.
My energy (and skin care) definitely improved.

And the doctor helped. We did have some issues with meds in the beginning. I kept bleeding because it was interacting with my other meds. He eventually gave me something that worked. Within a month I progressed a lot. My breathing improved and my stamina improved also. Our sessions helped me re-establish my coping mechanims and it got me sewing again. 

My doctor was concerned about moving back home. He said it was going to be stressful. I was confident when I told him that I felt I'd be fine. I was okay and even weaned myself away from the meds early (he gave me instructions on how to do it). I knew it would not be good to be dependent on meds. I had to re-learn to be resilient. 

The past 10 months since I stopped taking the meds has been very challenging. I still have 2 banigs of the medication which I can take in case of emergency. I have not taken it even though I had been going through a difficult time since September. 

A friend posted a quote on his FB stream about "living gratefully". I remember the lesson Chade Meng Tan taught us about being grateful and being grateful for others. He said the effect of being grateful is multiplied so much more if you are grateful for others. That's what broke the dark cloud that was on my head. 

 This is my emergency pill.

I realized that I should celebrate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't have. That's the reason why I made this post last week and why I think my posts now sound more happy than morose. Live grateful and you're heart will overflow with happiness. 

If you're feeling downtrodden or sad or stuck in a rut, it's always helpful to start a gratitude journal. You can start with one to three per day. Start with simple things like appreciating the beautiful blue sky when you wake up. Believe me your list will soon grow long and you're perspective will change. For extra oomph, try being grateful for others. It will rocketship you to the stars. 

*PE - pulmonary embolism

**OHS  - open heart surgery

Exorcising Bad Experiences

When you are faced with life threatening disease, i.e. a pulmonary embolism, you will most likely have mental health issues. What worries us most is the possibly of dying unprepared. It's a sad reality because the mortality rate is high. My doctor reminded me about this earlier this week. He said, "You could have died." Yes doc, twice. And that's the reason why I have to fiercely protect my health, physically and mentally. 

Being part of a support group for pulmonary embolism survivors has helped me a lot in the past three years. Most of the members are from the other side of the hemisphere because that's where PEs are more commonly diagnosed. I think though there are similar PE survivors here in the Philippines, it's just not as easily diagnosed (took more than a year for mine to be detected in Singapore). 

One of the members sent an important reminder for us -

I was spiraling down again because of the events happening around me. I had to stop watching the news and make important decisions regarding destructive relationships. The stress was not good for me and I ended up sick again. My chest x-ray have some worrying results, but it seems my doctor is chill about it. Following the reminder from my support group, I'll just be chill about it too. Do not panic when your doctor isn't concerned about your findings. 

I was 8 years old when my Mom got me my first journal. She told me I should write down my experiences, whether it's good or bad. I eventually found it helpful to vent my frustrations through writing. And that's what I did the other night. I poured out 35 years worth of hurt. It felt like a huge tree bark* was pulled out of me when I finished the note. This was followed by two full days of chest pains and nausea, but I think I'm much better now. I was able to talk about it with my Kuya without getting teary eyed. It's now all just in black and white**.

*It was no longer just a thorn

**There is an NLP technique where they help you minimize seemingly large issues. The important issue is represented by a full color picture, as you progress it becomes black and white and it eventually disintegrates.  

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn

Apparently the quote I used yesterday from Bishop Rey wasn't really made by him, but by another person. I only found out from schoolmates who pointed out things that were untrue. Another instance was the supposed interview on ANC. It was shared by a trusted friend. Another friend dispelled it. Goes to show that it's very easy to fall for fake news. 

At this time it is best to check the source of information. With so much disinformation happening, it might be best to avoid social media for now. I'm not completely staying offline, but I've kept myself from re-sharing what I read. Taking everything with a grain of salt for now since I don't really know anymore what's real and what's not. 

It's just noise and it won't help my mental health. I told myself after getting an anxiety attack last Monday that I have to protect myself better. It will probably be like this for a long time. One thing I learned this week is silence is golden. It is the best way to center yourself again. With so much uncertainty, it's really important to be grounded so you don't get swallowed by it.

“Earth hath no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.” - St. Thomas More

Have a blessed Sunday everyone.

#BeKind #StaySafe

Dear First Time Voter

I hate to break it to you, but it won't be the first time you will be disappointed. I have been voting for almost 3 decades now and only one presidential and vice presidential candidate I've voted for won, PNoy and VP Leni. I've had so many TOTGAs, but it never stopped me from hoping and praying that someday the right leader comes along and gets elected. 

Art by Tarantadong Kalbo

As Bishop Rey, Diocese of Imus said, "I am beginning to think that God never meant for Leni to win. Here mission was to waken us up... God showed us that if we get together and worked together, things happen. And maybe that brief moment was actually a glimpse of heaven." You may have been too young during PNoy's time, but we had good governance and that translated to a better economic environment which brought in a lot of investors. Corrupt officials were caught (pork barrel scam) and our debt was reduced which gave us good marks for credit.[more here] Of course, the administration had it's ups and downs, but I was so inspired and contributed back to the country where I could. 

The past six years was full of disappointment. I couldn't even continue the crisis response projects I started during the previous administration. I let things stew for awhile and then had the opportunity to contribute again. It was harder, but I pushed hard until I succeeded (read here). It was challenging, but I told myself to focus on the students and what was needed. That was what helped me have the strength to fight for what was right.

I know it hurts. I have friends both older and younger than me who are still having a hard time. Embrace the pain, but learn for it. Allow it to make you stronger. In time you will be able to use it to help others and contribute back to your country. We're lucky now because VP Leni and Senator Kiko are there to lead us and hone us to be better citizens.

"At alam ko ang aking kaya, alam ko ang hindi 

Alam ko ang kailangan upang makapagsilbi 

Hangga't may kabutihan, hangga't may pag-ibig 

Liwanag ang mananaig"

- Nica del Rosario, from the song "Rosas"

#BeKind #StaySafe

My Anxiety Management Kit

I have family and friends who have been infected with the coronavirus. Got worried last night when my best friend told me he tested positive too. Good thing they are all vaccinated so they're all asymptomatic. My boys have been very strict with me. They don't allow me to step out if there's a delivery. We all wear masks if someone drops by, even if it's just at the gate. 

I always feel anxious whenever I feel unwell. A dark cloud always comes over me when I get sick. I've had to deal with anxiety since I had my first pulmonary embolism in 2018. It felt like it was easier to manage when I was busy at work, but that didn't help. I was just avoiding the issue and it eventually emptied my tank. After I had my second pulmonary embolism, I realized I needed help. 

A huge part of recovering from an illness relies on having a sound mind. Battling physical illnesses requires you to have a strong will. I know my issues are extraordinary compared to most, but I thought I'd share what I've been doing because it may help you or a loved one who may need help. Here's a list:

1. Sleep - I had trouble sleeping for years. My doctor kept reminding me that getting 8 hours of sleep was important for recovery. What helped me was putting a few drops of lavender on an essential oil stone. Using an air filter also help a lot (doc said breathing well is a huge part of getting proper sleep). Praying the rosary before sleeping also helped me calm down. 

I guess a huge part of being anxious was being far away from home. I rarely have trouble falling asleep since I got home. 

2. Look Up - I got this tip from my Kuya. Whenever the black cloud sets in and my train of thought goes dark, I break it by looking up. It forces me to think of something else. 

3. Essential Oils - I have been using EOs since 2019. It was my HS classmate who's a doctor who finally convinced me to use them. I do a lot of research though before using any oil to make sure it doesn't interact with my meds. I diffuse several times a week and the boys love it too because it makes our home smell good. 

4. Drinking Lots of Water - I doubled my water intake. It made my blood flow better and resolved kidney issues. Feeling good means less anxiety. 

5. Exercise - this was never in my dictionary. The only willing exercise I used to do was malling*. It's the only place I could easily get 10k steps. My back ached so bad after my first PE I had to go see a spine doctor. He enrolled me in physiotherapy. My PT said I should treat exercise like the requirement to brush my teeth. Strangely that's what got me moving! As long as I do at least 30 wall push-ups a day I've been okay. This has helped expand my lungs, keep my core firm and keep my joints working properly. I guess it helps produce needed endorphins too. I'm not as grumpy anymore. 

6. Hugs - get at least 8 hugs a day. 

7. Do some gardening - watering plants have been helping me with balance. I use it as escape time to stay offline too. 

8. Stay offline - my doctors mandated this for me. I set up my phone to track how much time I spent online. It took me four months before I became less wired. I realized that my doctors mandate to stay offline was the best advise they gave me. 

9. Get a hobby - I read that anxiety stems from being unable to control a situation. I found it very useful to work on my hobbies. It made me feel accomplished whenever I finished a project. Working on your hobbies also help keep you offline and away from triggers!

10. Know your triggers. A good understanding of what stresses you out is important in managing your well-being. Part of this includes surrounding yourself with people who truly love you. 

Of course, pray and always remember that Papa God loves you. 

*Malling - going to the mall to shop!

What I'm Doing to Refill My Tank

My tank has finally started to fill up. I was running on fumes for more than a year. I really wondered how I could refill my tank. I learned that you should heed the signs when your tank is running low. The signs were there as early as 2018, but I just kept going. I'm a trooper after all, but it's really important to take care of yourself. 

Oh before I forget, today is my 9th mitral valve repair anniversary. My heart has been thumping nicely for 9 years already. My surgeon really did a great job and he says that everytime he peaks at the valve, haha. The valve is leaking a bit again, but they said no need to worry as long as I limit my activities. My doctors are amazed how I'm able to recover from all my health issues. 

Faith, hope and love. That's my secret. I have been praying for a miracle because my family needs me. I think I'm finally stable now and it's truly a miracle I have not visited a medical facility for two month now. Thank you Lord! I'm really happy about it because I'm able to do things for my family. 

If you're not careful, you can run on empty like me. Thought I'd share what I did the past year to refill my tank:

1. Pray for healing, truly, madly and deeply. I also prayed for help from Mama Mary, Padre Pio and St. Jude. 

2. Forgive yourself. I beat myself up for not being able to contribute to anything. It triggered my PTSD all the time. 

3. Accept that there are things you cannot change. Treat it as Papa God's way of pushing you to a new path. 

4. Take a break. Take as long as you need. It's okay not to function as you normally would.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you truly. 

6. Do things that make you happy. 

7. Learn to say no. No, no, no, no! Haha. I still get invitations to speak and people can get pushy! They don't understand that my voice runs out after a few minutes of talking. It's a mechanical issue. So i just keep saying no. Sorry guys. It is what it is.

8. Move on and discover new things about yourself. Since I had to stop doing what I loved to do, I moved on and discerned my new mission. Just family for now. 

9. Indulge yourself. I'm so far happy my weight has stayed stable since I got home, haha. I'm not pressuring myself to lose more. Just focusing on increasing daily movement for now. 

10. Get as many hugs as you can everyday. I squeeze my boys like crazy several times a day. 

#BeKind #StayHome

Bottomless

The key to unlocking the new door for me was my family. I realized I don't need to look far for my purpose. It's just within reach. It's my family. So the past few days I've been working hard to organize our home. The contractor finally finished the kitchen and I'm finally able to tidy up. It's taking awhile though since I can only do so much in a day. Well, slowly but surely. 

What I'm enjoying now is the company of the boys and random visits by friends. We feel so loved this weekend because we received goodies! Kuya and Ate Joy sent some pastries. My seatmate, Rica, sent baked taco (mmm they were super delicious!). Got some puto Binan from Leejay and Ate Rose surprised us with kakanin. I just checked my weight the other day and I have so far kept stable since I left Singapore. Whew!

Bottomless... you can get bottomless amounts of love as long as you allow yourself to receive it. That's what I learned this weekend. When I got sick I did not want to bother anyone about what I was going through. Many reached out to ask if there was anything they could help with, but I always said we could manage. I guess because my love language is "act of service" I didn't feel I could reciprocate. So I mostly kept to myself and expressed love by making quilts for friends. 

I'm honestly empty handed this Christmas. I'm still unable to reciprocate since I'm using my energy to fix our nest. I'm focusing first with my immediate family because I feel I have to make up for the many years I was busy at work. So sorry to everyone, cards and gifts will be super delayed as we haven't found them in the boxes. 

And, of course, always remember Papa Jesus provides bottomless love. He is our forever <3

#Home46 #NewG200 #Xmas6 #StayHome #BeKind