Organizing

I think my brain is finally rewiring back to what it was before I fell into medical depression. Medical because it was caused by the health issues I went through. It happens especially to people who experience blood clots. That's what my doctor explained to me and we worked on my coping mechanisms. He discharged me reluctantly back in 2021, so I was on my own to cope. 

I told him I could do it and I didn't want to drink any additional medication since I have other maintenance meds. I felt it was numbing me, so with faith and the love of my boys, I fought back. I read that one tell-tale sign of depression is being disorganized. Clutter piles up and you just don't have the energy to fix things. It's overwhelming and one reason why it took two years to finish sorting and emptying my childhood home. 

I kept fighting. Rested when needed and rewarded myself whenever I achieved something. I feel I turned a big corner today. I cleared out my sewing table and organized my gardening table. These are my "work stations" where I am productive and get to clear my mind. As much as possible, I don't use my phone when I'm at my work stations. It helps ground me. 

Little steps for healing and I'm happy I achieved something today. It's just small pockets of a bigger mess, but at least something moved today. I still plan to tackle my bench box later (it's where I keep my journals). Will see, if I have too much fun sewing I'll do it tomorrow :)

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: Live Grateful

I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and depression last year after my second PE*. A friend suggested to me to see a proper doctor since I used up the consultations benefit. I knew also from the experience of other PE patients that it's important to get help. PE is truly a different kind of monster. 

I breezed through 2 OHS' and I was still able to cope after my first PE. The second one though really did a number on me. I emailed the doctor as my friends suggested, but I waited another six weeks before I followed-up. I only followed up because I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't motivated to do anything.

First vs. Last day at my psych doctor's office.
My energy (and skin care) definitely improved.

And the doctor helped. We did have some issues with meds in the beginning. I kept bleeding because it was interacting with my other meds. He eventually gave me something that worked. Within a month I progressed a lot. My breathing improved and my stamina improved also. Our sessions helped me re-establish my coping mechanims and it got me sewing again. 

My doctor was concerned about moving back home. He said it was going to be stressful. I was confident when I told him that I felt I'd be fine. I was okay and even weaned myself away from the meds early (he gave me instructions on how to do it). I knew it would not be good to be dependent on meds. I had to re-learn to be resilient. 

The past 10 months since I stopped taking the meds has been very challenging. I still have 2 banigs of the medication which I can take in case of emergency. I have not taken it even though I had been going through a difficult time since September. 

A friend posted a quote on his FB stream about "living gratefully". I remember the lesson Chade Meng Tan taught us about being grateful and being grateful for others. He said the effect of being grateful is multiplied so much more if you are grateful for others. That's what broke the dark cloud that was on my head. 

 This is my emergency pill.

I realized that I should celebrate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't have. That's the reason why I made this post last week and why I think my posts now sound more happy than morose. Live grateful and you're heart will overflow with happiness. 

If you're feeling downtrodden or sad or stuck in a rut, it's always helpful to start a gratitude journal. You can start with one to three per day. Start with simple things like appreciating the beautiful blue sky when you wake up. Believe me your list will soon grow long and you're perspective will change. For extra oomph, try being grateful for others. It will rocketship you to the stars. 

*PE - pulmonary embolism

**OHS  - open heart surgery