Monday, January 19, 2015

For Dad

Dad, you've been gone for four years now. I remember the day that Mom said you were very sick and that the doctor said it was just a matter of time. You had been suffering in silence for a couple of months. Refusing to go to a doctor and you kept saying you were fine. It was Mom who finally forced you to go for a check-up and by then it was already too late. I was inconsolable that day. I just cried and cried.

I had asked permission then from my manager if I could work earlier hours so I could get off early and walk 100 meters from my home to sit with you in the afternoons until Jay would pick me up to go home. We would watch TV and I would show you photos from my trips. You were always interested in the tomes of content I would put out (yes I know you used to ready my diary as well!). You wrote non-stop and that inspired me to "study writing". I know I'm not as talented a writer as you are or your apo, Miguel, but I strived to learn how to write because of you. It's Kuya though who's managed to publish books and not me (but I think I'm a better writer than he is hahaha).

Watching you lose your strength through Christmas and undergo so much pain signaled to us that we had to let you go so you won't suffer any longer. You held on when I had to leave for a week-long trip to Singapore because I told you to wait for me. And wait for me you did. Mom said that in your last few days you kept calling out to Nanay and Tatay. They had been trying to pick you up already, but you held on and waited.

You were doing quite well days before you passed. Mom said you just kept sleeping and even told her on the 19th night of January that she should get some sleep and rest. You passed away in your sleep. After Mom called me we rushed to the house to check on you. You still had a slight pulse when I arrived. I hope you heard me say "I love you Dad" just before your pulse dwindled and stopped. It was the most heartbreaking moment of my entire life.

Mom was very much composed. I was a huge mess, but I had to be the one to break the news to my siblings. I thought it was unfair that I had to do that since I'm after all your youngest child, your padaba, your latak. You brought me up to be a tough cookie though and you always told me to be strong and hold on to what is most important.

I cry a little every single day Dad because I miss you very much. It happens at the most random places, but I manage to hide the paid well because that's what you taught me. I would've probably made a good lawyer as you wanted me to be, but I'm too much of a scatterbrain to be one and it would've hard to fill the shoes you've left as a lawyer.

Thank you Dad for loving me, for being patient with me, for being strict so that I may learn, for being stern so I will become tough, for bringing me to all those tagalog movies and for accompanying me to watch Menudo even though you had to cover your ears all night. I would never have it differently, but I should have asked God to extend your life after your first bout with cancer until after you get your first great-grandson from Miguel and not only until you manage to walk me down the aisle. I honestly thought I wasn't going to marry anymore so I made that deal with God (well He had other plans apparently).

I miss you Dad. I know you are having a grand time with Tito Tony, Tito Mon and Tito Ben up there. Please say hi to my grandparents and all my friends who have gone up there to party with you. Please watch over us as we fulfill our mission down here. <3

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