Self-Love: the Journey Back to Me

 It's the month of love and it's my new year! So I thought I'd move on now to how I want the rest of my year to be. I want the rest of my year to be full of love and I want to create more happy memories. 

Woke up early today to get my meds and breakfast out of the way. After that I worked on Sweetie's shampoo and then cleared out the kitchen trolley. I did those to understand my limits for now. I was exhausted before eleven so I retreated to the couch. I chanced upon this video by Bo Sanchez -

It got me thinking and I realized I really need to work on myself. In the past ten years since I moved to Singapore I gave up a huge part of my life. I failed to replenish my happiness tank. From watching Bo's video I realized I must not like myself too much because I put myself in this situation. I'm not going to dwell on it and will focus on healing. Here's what Bo advised to like yourself better -

"1 - Say no to toxic people; 2 - Activate your core needs; 3 - Change your self-dialogue; and 4 - Start  telling yourself what God tells you in the Word."

Today is my new year and this is the start of my journey back to me. 

And today's self-love comes in the form of a cupcake! Haha. 

CB///298 #StuckAtHomeDay/328 #StayHome #BeKind

Where Did January Go?

On the way home I realized I spent most of the month in the hospital. It's not been a good start for the new year for me. I'm hopeful though that things would be better in the coming weeks. The experience of going home yesterday was so much different from my first discharge. I wasn't in a daze like last time and was able to take a short walk downstairs last night. I feared I'd be back to zero. 

On the way home yesterday.

I haven't had a chance to write down my plans for the year. Well, the plans unfolded by itself. In 2020 I declared it to be the year for self-love. After reviewing the list I realized I was only able to do 3 out of the 10 things I listed. I changed my priority to learning new things because of the situation. I forgot about myself again. 

So that's probably why I'm in this situation now. This year I'm bring back my resolution for self-love. I think I made a headstart after I got out of the hospital last January 15. I just had another pothole on the road and I'm sure things will get better in the coming weeks. I just need to give myself time to heal and be ready to have a better year. 

When I got home yesterday I was so happy to see the spring onion I am trying to root. I cooked steamed soy ginger fish yesterday and used the spring onions to garnish the dish. I decided to again to root the stems. I had failed at it several times already and that's why I was so happy to see it flourishing. I'll blog about what I did differently on The Balcony Farmer soon. Hopeful!

CB///297 #StuckAtHomeDay/327 #StayHome #BeKind

I'm Going Home Today!

Woke up early and energized today. I finally had a good night's sleep! The evening nurse took pity on me last night and removed the plug on my hand. It was starting to swell and I suspect it was the reason why my arm was hurting already. Doc had it scanned yesterday to be sure it wasn't clotting. I was so relieved when the nurse said my arm was clear. I'm going home with just a small bruise which is much better than what I had early this month.

An Apple a Day by Hello Kitty! One of my favorite shirts.

I feel much better today compared to when I was discharged 15 days ago. I was able to fix my stuff. Sweetie will just need to zip up the luggage when he comes later. I still need to take it slow and doctor said to come back at the first sign of bleeding. My blood test came back with good stats. When my doctor is happy I'm happy.

I'm not going back to work immediately. I'm going to focus on getting well first. I already made the mistake of pushing my body too hard many times. That's a huge reason why my body is like this now. I will need to find the right balance first before I go back. I know my manager is super excited to have me back, but I don't want to come back so soon and get sick again. I need my body to heal without stress. (I always tell my team they will survive without me. That's how I've been training them.)

I'm so glad I'm going home today. Sweetie will be able to sleep soundly again. I'm his sleep elixir. He immediately conks out when he sits beside me on the couch (I have plenty of pictures to prove this point). 

Thank you for all your prayers and love. It's what makes me strong. One of my nurses told me yesterday, "You have gone through a lot. You're willpower is the most important factor for you to be well. Promise me you won't come back!" That willpower is powered by prayers and love. So if you have a loved one who is I'll, show them they are loved and needed and pray for them. That will surely boost their morale and fire up their willpower to survive anything. 

CB///296 #StuckAtHomeDay/326 #StayHome #BeKind

Professional Patient?

When you have pulmonary embolism issues don't end once you get a heparin shot and drink anticoagulants (blood thinners). There would be days (or hours) where you can function like normal and then you suddenly feel fatigued. Breathing issues, nausea and feeling unwell is an everyday thing. Every ache and pain can make you think you're having another clot. It's very hard to determine when you should go to your doctor or the emergency room. A wrong move can be your end.

Day 1, smiling helps make you feel better (and keep Sweetie from worrying too much).

I did not have maintenance meds for five years after surgery. I was lucky. I travelled like crazy during those five years, but things changed in 2018. I started taking lots of meds. I abhorred it. It was when my PE was found that I started to understand my body better. 

I listened to my body more and understood better it's limits. In 2020 I made it my goal to reduce the medications I had to drink. I was successful in reducing it. The situation has been tricky because there are still unknowns in my condition. One thing I know is my mind, heart and body can fight back. As my friend Match keeps telling me, "You're heart is resilient. Just allow it (to heal)." 

Today's morning visitor. This birdie has been dropping by everyday.

And that's why I did not panic when I started to bleed last Sunday. I listened to my body. And that's why one of my nurses said I'm a professional patient. I understand my limits and know when to seek help. Sometimes though I need to remind myself to seek help earlier. I'm grateful my doctors also understand my needs better now. Hopefully this year we'll find out what's causing all the issues. In the meantime I hope to recover properly with no more potholes along the way.

CB///295 #StuckAtHomeDay/325 #StayHome #BeKind

Middle of the Night Interruption

My former colleague, Olive, explained to me before that spirits get attracted to the light people emit. They come to you for help and the best that you can do is pray for them and encourage them to go to the light. Since then I was never bothered by ghosts/spirits. I still get scared, but I immediately start praying. 

Last night I was jolted awake by a code blue call. I don't know why, but they always announce it hospital-wide. We also got one yesterday afternoon. So I woke up and immediately felt a presence. I remembered what Olive told me many years ago and started praying the rosary. I told her it's okay and she should just go on. It was only at the end of the first mystery when she went away and I drifted off to sleep.

That hasn't happened to me for a long time now. I don't know if it's real or just my hyperactive imagination (or the medication). I was scared and I just naturally turned to prayer. The nurse told me that it was common for that room to code blue. I told her I stayed in that room for 30 minutes when I was at ICU early this month. The room felt weird and I'm glad they moved me to another room immediately. Maybe they should have that room and the room next to it blessed. 

I'm going to take a nap now since a fire alarm went off earlier and interrupted my sleep again. I have a headache from being jolted awake twice. Need more sleep so my body can work in repairing itself. 

Have you experienced the same thing? Wish I could go home soon.

CB///294 #StuckAtHomeDay/324 #StayHome #BeKind

Thank You for Your Love

I realized last night that whenever I get hospitalized for a long time it comes in twos. The same thing happened in 2013 after heart surgery. I was confined again then because they had to open me up again. That was more challenging, but back then my will was made of steel. I faced everything bravely. I was unfazed even when my doctor told me years later they almost lost me back then.

Slowly getting their again (I'm still on sloth pace). Thanks Sweetie for the cute shirt.

It was only last December when I realized I'm getting older. My ENT (who I believe is a genius) years ago told me I was still young and should continue to be active. He reminded me he's been my doctor for 8 years now and that we're all older and our bodies change. My cardiologist and cardiovascular surgeon have also changed the advise they've been giving, also because they're getting on with age. 

I got a book from Kerygma Books "The Beauty of 40" by Dr. Michelle Alignay. I'm going through it slowly and learning things about this phase of my life. I should have gotten this book 5 years ago. As my doctor said, "You can't continue living like you're still in your 20s."

I had a good cry last night. The most heartbreaking thing about this challenge is seeing Sweetie and Miggy worried. I realized though that God only gives you challenges you can manage and learn from. I cried also because I'm so tired from being well for a few hours then fatigued for the rest of the day. That's not me. I can usually go on and on and on. 

I'm grateful for so many things. The love from Sweetie, Miggy, my family, my friends, my community. The care of my doctors, nurses, housekeeping and the uncles and aunties who feed me (I noticed th let give me a muffin for supper if I finish my food haha). Everyone wants me to be well and that's what I'm holding onto. I believe Jesus will heal me in His time.

CB///293 #StuckAtHomeDay/323 #StayHome #BeKind

Here We Go Again

I was feeling so unwell this morning. I had Sweetie call my doctor to let him know what I was going through. My doctor had me come see him for a check-up. I've been admitted to the hospital again since bleeding after a PE is dangerous. I have to stop the medication until the bleeding stops.

It's been a challenging day and I couldn't help but cry already this morning because I was feeling worse than when I was first admitted early this month. I was upset because I was feeling better already and had been increasing my daily step count. This is a huge setback for me since I was hoping to go back to work before CNY. I just hope and pray I won't be in the hospital for a long time.

Please pray for me.

CB///292 #StuckAtHomeDay/322 #StayHome #BeKind