Grief is a short word that packs a lot of punch. They say you go through five phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I was a huge mess when we lost my Dad. I cried and cried and cried. With Mom I felt I had to face it with quiet grace.
I purposely did not go inside Mom's home since she passed. My siblings took care of the initial checks. I still manage the house but I did not want to rush myself. I stretched the bargaining phase. I finally went back to my childhood home yesterday. I felt I was ready and anchored it with a structural inspection. I did it that way so I don't end up bawling.
I spent a bit of time in Mom's bedroom. The first thing I opened was her craft cabinet. It was filled to the brim. Since we were still doing the inspection, I just took a photo. I also opened her clothes cabinet and saw she had put away most of her clothes. Bags were also organized properly. Her helper told me that she had been packing away her clothes. I also noticed that her altar in the lanai had less items. They were moved inside the house.
I wondered why Mom re-organized her stuff. When I got home I scrutinized her craft cabinet. The sewing materials were carefully packed in boxes. It was arranged for keeping, not for use. I also noticed some of my piggy banks inside the cabinet. I realized she packed the cabinet for me. And she probably knew it's the first thing I would open. She knew that I treasured my piggy banks and she kept it for me. She wanted to give it to me already, but we were still renovating our house.
And yes I think I'm sliding into the next phase of grief, depression. Mom won't be happy if I mope around. That's why I made sure I had a purpose when we went to the house today. We went with an architect and a structural engineer. We want to preserve Mom's garden, so we have to make sure the structure it's on is safe. We are on the right track because as soon as I mentioned to Sweetie the inspection plans and our plans to refurbish the sofa, Google Photos suddenly popped up an album of us three together. Finally, Mom learned how to use technology, haha.
The next few months will be hard as we work on clearing the house. I didn't finish taking photos for my inventory, so we'll have to go back. I hope I don't slide back into what I battled the past two years. That's why I'm going to anchor it on a project.
Love you Mom, we'll be back home soon.
#BeKind #StaySafe
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