The Big Change

A few months ago, a family member of a heart patient asked if people change after heart surgery. She shared that her husband changed a lot after surgery. He was withdrawn, impatient, sometimes mean and basically didn't want to do anything. 

I thought about it and shrugged it off. It took a while for me to recover after OHS, but I went back to work and traveled a lot. I felt "normal" for the next 5 years and then I had my first pulmonary embolism. 

It's been months since I read that post on a patient group I'm part of. The feedback from other patients and family members were quite extreme. Some even ended up in divorce. I only realized the past week that I changed after OHS. The change was only more significant leading up to my first PE. 

I used to be able to pull all-nighters and had bottomless energy, but since OHS I wasn't the same physically and I eventually started to pull back. After OHS I became scared of crowds. I wasn't stable and could easily fall. I had accidents and lost my balance once on an escalator in the airport. Good thing I landed forward onto my luggage. 

The biggest change happened the year leading up to the discovery of the clot in my lungs. I had breathing issues and had a hard time sleeping. I didn't really want to bother anyone and easily became a recluse. My body became significantly weaker, I couldn't even place my backpack on the airplane overhead storage anymore. 

When I can, I skipped outings, parties, dinner, get-togethers especially when it requires a lot of walking. I used to enjoy meeting up with friends, but it's become too tiresome for me. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert, so my social battery is depleted really fast nowadays. 

So yes, I guess major medical issues can change a person. So...

#BeKind #StaySafe

Throwback Thursday: Happy 10th My Heart

Realized my photos are messed up. When I searched for January photos from 10 years ago it showed I was in Australia, Bohol, Tagaytay and other places all in a span of two weeks. I realized my camera's date setting was not set properly that's why it recorded our recent Bohol photos as 2013 photos. Yikes!

I soon realized where I really was 10 years ago. I just had mitral valve repair and was recovering slowly in Singapore. It's been a decade since Dr. Shankar and Dr. Koo worked together to put repair my leaky valve. I'm forever grateful for the care they gave to me. 

Lake Sebu, April 2013.

A lot of patients ask about what happens after getting your mitral valve repaired. I enjoyed five years without any maintenance meds. It felt very much like getting a new lease on life. I was very much a busy bee and traveled like crazy. Two months after my second surgery (I had water in my heart), I did a TV interview (how crazy was that). 

TV interview, April 2013

Then I went to Lake Sebu in Cotabato after the interview. By June I was hosting a huge event in Indonesia and I went up the Borobudur temple. I spent the rest of the year and the next five years hopping from one country to another. 

Looking back I did a lot back then because I felt I had to prove to myself I was alive! I even wanted to run a marathon. Of course, that did not happen, haha. I'm grateful though I had those good years where I was able to serve and meet many people across the world. So happy 10th to my heart! Keep ticking!

#BeKind #StaySafe

My Zipper

I'm part of a couple of patient groups. It's been very helpful for me to be with people who are going through the same thing as me. Much like your community for your interests or hobbies, patients come together also to help each other. 

Last weekend patients in one of the groups asked to share their "zippers". The zipper refers to the scar left from your open heart surgery. It's usually 8 inches long. Depending on your doctor it can leave a long red mark or a nice white line. 

I remember crying a few weeks after surgery. Sweetie was helping me dress and I saw the long red angry scar. Sweetie asked me why I was crying. I told him I felt ugly. He immediately reassured me and told me I'd be beautiful no matter what. I didn't think much about the scar after that and it eventually healed. 

My doctor said not to put anything on the scar. Good thing I followed my doctor's advise because from fiery red, it turned to pink and then white. In the beginning I used to cover it up, but I realized I should wear my scar with pride. I survived an ordeal because of my strong will and faith. 

I have other smaller scars because I had to go through another OHS to drain fluid from my heart. Everytime my surgeon checks me he proudly says his work is beautiful haha. It took him twice the time to work on me (I remember waking up in the middle of the operation!). Patients who need mitral valve repair today are lucky because there's a non-invasive way of doing it already. The recovery time would also be faster for them. 

When I look at myself today I see all the scars, even the tiny ones from butterfly needles, dextrose needles and when they poke me for tests etc. I just look at them now as testaments to my love and faith. I am grateful everyday that God has been me my life. 

Day 23 Minimalism Challenge, Empty your junk drawer. I learned from a friend that it's useful to have a box where you can put stuff that you don't have time to put away yet. I put mine in a tote bag. I have a bad habit though of just leaving it in the bag haha. From where I'm sitting now I could see I have four bags I need to go through. I'll do that today! 

CB///*Yr2/134 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/157 #NewG312 #Home70 #StayHome #BeKind

My 2 Year Old Heart

It's #ThrowbackThursday today and I just finished my semi-annual check-up with my favorite doctor, Dr. Koo. This was me 2 years ago --

Me just before I was wheeled into the operating room.

Taken a few weeks after the second surgery. I had this photo taken because I could raise my arms again. I tried on this blouse the other day... I almost couldn't get it off anymore hahaha.

And this is big healthy (a.k.a. fat) me today --

See I couldn't even close my coat anymore!

8 years in between! I've over-achieved my Google 15. Gained it twice.

For those I've just met recently I had mitral valve surgery back in January 2013. The initial surgery was fairly successful, but I had complications after so they had to drain water from my heart. Instead of spending just 5 days in the hospital I spent a total of 30 days. I recovered really slowly and I don't think I'll be the same again. I feel much better now though and my quality of life has vastly improved and well let's not talk about how much weight I've gained in the last two years!

I got a little scolding from my doctor for miss my second check-up last year. My nose is very sensitive so during the haze season in Singapore I really have a difficult time staying (and well I was trying to lose some weight... it didn't happen!). The findings were positive, I just need to watch what I eat and lose some weight (that's the trending topic for this post!).

Ahh, but let's see what I've achieved in the last year:

- Traveled 116,562.5 kilometers, a lot were domestic travels but I managed to go to London and Cambodia for the first time and visit the US and Japan again after a long time
- Biggest adventure of the year: hiking through 7 falls in Mambukal in Negros Occidental. I couldn't walk for a week after!
- Slept on my bed more this year! Just 69 days in hotels.
- And a special Christmas gift, my first grand nephew arrived via Jet!

This is me barreling down the mountain. I could barely walk by this time.

It was a very busy year at work, but looking at my photos I'm happy to see based on my photos that we managed to slip in a few getaways. Boracay in March, Palawan in August and thanks to zero fare promos, Japan for New Year! I also met a lot of awesome and very passionate people in the last year, it's really overwhelming since I want to get to know each one of them better (that's really hard to do when you are an introvert though).

As I told my friend Rose, "I'm a walking miracle." My sun almost set two years ago, but with faith and really good doctors I pulled through, probably because my mission here isn't complete yet.

Thank you so much to my family, my friends, colleagues and everyone who's been watching out for me. All of you are my angels here on earth =)

Happy second birthday my repaired mitral valve!

The Easter Miracle

Easter last year marked a huge milestone for me a year ago. I was stuck in Singapore for three whole months after my heart surgery. My doctors wouldn't allow me to go home to Manila because of my condition. My surgeon had a hard time operating on me and we encountered a few complications. I was in ICU for almost a week and I was in so much pain for many weeks after. The meds didn't really help ease the pain and I just prayed and prayed for it to go away.

At some point I dreamt I was with my Dad. The pain was really unbearable at some point I wished my Dad would just come and get me. I remember waking up from the dream and looked for my Kuya instead. Despite how I was feeling I knew that if I called out for my Dad my family would worry a lot. My brother had to go back to Jakarta the day before my surgery, but he surprised me and arrived the day after I looked for him.

My Kuya and his family (including those in Jakarta via Google Hangout) prayed over me. It was only then I felt calm and more settled. I was discharged two weeks after surgery but the road after was a difficult one. I couldn't sleep well and I couldn't even lie down. Two weeks after I had to go through another surgery to drain water in my heart and lungs. I had to stay in the hospital for another two weeks. Recovery was very slow and I can honestly say that it's only in the last month that I started to feel stronger.

I have been asked several times where I got the strength to go through heart surgery. It took me a decade to finally decide to go through it. I wasn't scared because I knew Papa Jesus will take care of me and Mama Mary would watch over me as well. My doctors said that I was the cheeriest patient they had (they weren't around at night when the pain would set in!). I didn't see them worry the whole time I was in the hospital, but my doctor told me during my check-up last February that they were actually very worried about me and that I had given them a huge scare. I just gave my doctor a huge smile and thanked him. I pulled through this whole ordeal because of my faith, my family, my friends, my whole community and my work family who prayed for me to get well.

And that's why Easter for me has a whole new meaning. A new lease on life and a chance to have a better quality of life with my family and everyone in my life.

And this is me recently at Angkor Wat. I never imagined that I'd be able to visit 2 huge religious temples (the other one was Boroburdur last June) within a year after surgery.

Happy Easter everyone! 

365 Days After Surgery

A year ago today I had mitral valve surgery to repair the leaky heart. It was an open heart operation, but was just supposed to be a quick 2-hour event. My body though wasn't built the same way as other people since I had a lot of tiny veins and this made it difficult and complicated. Recovery wasn't easy as well since I responded differently to the medicines and I eventually had to go through another surgery to drain water from my heart and lungs.

It was the most horrific thing I went through in my entire life. I survived through prayers and sheer willpower. The first few days after surgery I would dream that I was in an accident. I realized later on that my body was probably wondering what happened and was synthesizing that maybe it was an accident that caused the 8 inch incision (and well maybe it was all the medicines!). It eventually went away but I still remember those dreams.

I don't think I will be normal ever again. I still have some difficulty going down a staircase and usually need assistance when good balance is required. I conquered Borubodur though 5 months after surgery (thanks for the help by Vanj and JR!) and when I told my doctors about this they said I was well on my way to full recovery. To validate my independence I took a gazillion trips shortly after that. In the last 8 months I've gone to the following places: GenSan (2x), Davao (3x), Bacolod (2x), Pangasinan, Baguio (2x), Kuala Lumpur (2x), Cebu (3x), Dhaka, Bangkok, Manila (because I'm supposed to be based in SG!), Jakarta, Ho Chi Minh, Benguet, Tagaytay and Batangas. I also managed to watch a rock concert for my birthday (Eraserheads!) and survive the stressful work of doing crisis response (shhh please don't tell my doctors!). I feel though I haven't done enough.

My dear friend Juned served as my inspiration to reach the top that day. We made it!

I know a lot of people are scared of going through surgery and a fellow patient reached out to me in the community of heart patients I'm part of. She said that her doctor required her to go through surgery (same as mine) but she was just given a few weeks to prepare. She said she was anxious about it and was not sure if she wanted to go through it. I told her that I had a decade to prepare myself but had come to the realization that surgery was the only way to improve my quality of life. I had to go through surgery to get better for my family. I didn't hear from her after I responded so I hope she's okay, but for those faced with a similar decision just be brave for your loved ones. If things fail anyway you wouldn't know!

This is me now, a tad bit overweight... okay a lot overweight according to my cardio!

 I'm chubby now but I'm happy!

The priest last Sunday said that we are all here, we have our life because we still have a mission to fulfill. This is one thing my Dad always reminded us of. The priest's sermon was indeed a great reminder as I face 2014 with my repaired heart which has given me renewed energy. I am thankful that my family continues to support me in my endeavors even though I know they worry a lot. Surviving a major operation with complications is easy when you keep to your faith and have your family beside you.

In the next few days I'm going to start another crazy work year!
And as W.C. Fields said, "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

*Mobile screenshot was a Hangout with my brother and his kids when I was in the hospital. My other hospital photos look really scary. 

Healing and the End of the Age of Indulgence

After hearing the first few bars of Freddie Aguilar's "Anak" when I boarded the taxi early this morning I knew that it was going to be a really good and happy day. I told the uncle taxi driver that I was surprised he was listening to a classic Filipino song. He said that it's good to start the day with good songs. He went on and on and at some point of our conversation I found out he was Catholic. Another surprise.

I asked him how and why he converted to the Catholic faith and he said that he was a bad husband. His wife left him because he (pointing to his mouth) was abusive. His wife moved in with her sister in law who was Catholic. She advised her to pray the novena and uncle mentioned that when he was alone he just had the urge to go to the church near his home. He went there and sat at the last pew, not really knowing all the practices we do in church. He realized that he had to go back to his wife. He did and told her that he wanted to become a good husband. They continued to hear mass and then eventually they converted.

Uncle went on to tell me that he had already visited the Vatican. He said he prayed for it and he managed to sell enough cars to buy a ticket to visit the Vatican. He's also visited quite a number of other places and he said that God gives you what you wish for when you pray for it. He's also had a heart attack and several surgeries but he's pulled through because of his faith.

Ask and you shall receive. Pray. That's what I did when I was in so much pain after my surgery. I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it because the pain made me want to give up. But I knew I had to be strong for my boys, Miguel and Jay, because I promised them that I would get well. It's been a struggle the last few months, but I'm happy to say the saga has reached its happy ending.

I had my sixth month check-up last week and both my doctors (cardio and surgeon) have declared that I have fully recovered from mitral valve surgery. I still feel a bit odd at times, a bit unbalanced, but surviving a huge event, climbing Borobudur and being able to do a lot of other stuff now (there are times when I feel I have so much energy!), tells me I'm good to go. Ready to rampa! Ready to take on my mission again.

And today I just felt so inspired from the uncle taxi driver's story. He wasn't born into the faith that he embraced when he was older, but in less than 30 minutes he managed to inspire me and bring me back on the right track. I also feel that God got him to drive me today because I've been missing my Dad the last few days. I've been wanting to hear from him and get guidance on my next steps because he always did that for me. He was my guiding light.

The age of indulgence is over. Time to diet. Eat more healthy and stop shopping!

Thank you Lord. 

Joy: 6 Months After Surgery

I love playing with babies so it's really been a pain not to be able to carry one in the last six months because of the surgery. Being able to carry a baby again was one of my motivations to exercise and work on my stamina because one of my physiotherapists told me that if I didn't work hard I wouldn't be able to carry my baby ever. I don't know if I'd have another baby again, but I certainly like cuddling babies so I've been pushing myself the last few months.

It's been six months since I had mitral valve surgery (heart surgery) and I can now say I'm feeling about 90% normal again. There's still some aches and pains here and there every so often and I still tire easily, but at least I'm very much functional again. Some accomplishments in the last 2 months are worth mentioning:

(1) Traveling

Traveling is part and parcel of my job so I had to work on going up and down a flight of stairs. I also had to be able to carry at least 7 kilograms up a flight of stairs (inevitable especially when you travel to provinces). Ahh, but I impressed some travelers when I managed to get off my 20+kg. luggage off the conveyor belt without having to carry it (how I did it is a secret, Yoda powers!). And the most important thing I had to work on was gaining back my confidence of being able to travel alone.

Enroute to Carbin Reef.

And because I have regained that confidence I actually surprised my boys by going home to Manila the day after their birthday. All along they thought I had flown to Jakarta to avoid the haze but I felt really sad to have missed both their birthdays so I just booked a flight and went straight home to Manila (my doctor told me not to go back to Singapore until the haze is gone). And a happy day it was!

(2) Doing House Chores

We all take for granted our ability to carry stuff. After surgery I could barely raise a glass of water and I had to use a mug with a straw to drink. Eventually when I could finally raise a glass of water I worked on being able to carry my Nexus 7, then my laptop etc. I love doing the laundry so I always had to ask one of my boys to help me carry the basket to the laundry room. It was also pure joy when I could sweep and mop the floor without wincing in pain.

(3) Carrying a Baby

I couldn't help but grin when Joy (my one-year old playmate) finally asked me to carry her today. I was apprehensive at first because I was scared I might drop her, but I couldn't say no so I bent down and lifted her. I was so happy I insisted she come with me when the driver brought me home. She was barely crawling when I left for Singapore for my surgery and now she's already running around!

(4) Run a Huge Event

I wasn't sure if I was really ready to run a huge event. A few weeks back we brought over 200 of our communities across the region to Yogyakarta. I just put in my mind that I could do it and made sure I managed my energy well. There were times though I thought I'd break but I just prayed I'd survive. All was well and everyone who attended was happy.

(5) Climbing a Temple

I love traveling and exploring places. In my last post I mentioned that achieved climbing Borubodur. Originally I did not really plan to do the trek up since the 3 flights just getting to the grounds of the temple was already too much for me. The temple though was so beautiful I just had to see the sunrise from the top. I was really happy when I reached the top (not sure though if my doctors would be! Haha).

(6) Eating Chicken Again

My long-time mild allergies were activated when I had pneumonia and I have sadly not been eating chicken since 2008. My doctor mentioned the possibility of my immune system improving after surgery. Things were bad in the first few months, but I've been feeling great lately and thought I should try eating chicken and lo and behold I can now eat about 2.5 Don Hen buffalo wings without having an asthma attack (I only sneezed!). So happy! (Little secret: I had McChicken sandwich twice this week alone!).

(7) Gaining Weight

It seems though that with 100% blood flow it's easier for me to gain weight despite moving around more (argggh fast metabolism where did you go?). I'm at least 5 kilograms over the limit my doctor gave me so I'm sure I'm going to get a scolding next week.

Life is good. Life is joyful. I thank God everyday that I survived what could've had a disastrous ending. I understand I still have a mission to accomplish and whatever it is I just leave it to God to navigate me where I should be.

Love you all!

Third Life: the GenSan and Lake Sebu Adventure

I finally went home exactly a month ago and promptly lost any free time to blog. It's amazing though how being closer to family and friends contribute to faster recovery. When I went home a month ago I was huffing and puffing all over the place (getting off the plane and walking to the baggage area was like running a marathon for me) and the heat was just terrible. Eventually though with a lot of encouragement from Sweetie, Mom and Miguel, I slowly adjusted back to my regular routine -- work and domestic chores.

Getting up and down a flight of stairs was a huge achievement for me. I had to re-learn quickly since I went to GenSan on the third week of April and local airports usually don't have passenger tubes to walk on. I was just really happy to see my friends and the communities I work with. They took care of me really well (thanks Avel and Chelle!) and it was a relief to have Doc Remo around all the time (in case of emergency!).

Aside from visiting GenSan for some events we also went to Lake Sebu to visit the school Nanardzx chose as his beneficiary when he won the GDG Map Your Town competition last year. Lake Sebu Central Elementary School is located high up in the mountains in Lake Sebu, about 2 hours away from GenSan. The people were so warm and lovely (thank you Mrs. Manalac!) and I just wish we can do more to help.

It's always been my dream to try on the T'boli traditional attire (this is because my best friend stayed there for about a month when we were teenagers) and so I did! They fixed me up like a princess! (I loved the outfit so much I bought it hehe).

My doctor said during my check up last weekend that my heart is finally clear of unnecessary fluids, but I need to work on my stamina. So I'm doing well but need to listen to my body. I still feel the some odd pain at times (especially when it's hot) but I'm happy I don't need to drink any painkiller or maintenance medicine. My concentration has been a lot better and I think my family and team is benefiting from this (I hope!). Hopefully by end of May my stamina will be back so I could travel on my own and visit my many friends across Southeast Asia!

(Oh, do notice that G+ commenting has been enabled on my blog!). 

Grounded No More

My Mom left this note for Sweetie when she left for Manila last January after my surgery. My eyes welled up when I read the note since my Mom is quite reserved, so this note spoke volumes.

I just came back from a check-up. Both my cardio and surgeon have finally allowed me to go home to Manila (yay!) but cautioned I shouldn't go back yet to my rigorous travel schedule. My surgeon declared that the ordeal is finally over after seeing that there was no more water in my heart sac. Both my doctors said they were really worried about me and were both very happy about my recovery.

Dr. Shankar, my surgeon said that I'm where I am now because sheer willpower, my positive disposition and my beautiful family. I said that it was the only way to go and I'm lucky to have such a loving and caring family.

The secret sauce though is faith. The best decision I made in my life was to turn over the navigation and purpose to God. When I did that my life got so much better and any challenges did not seem so overwhelming. Aside from love my faith was the only thing I held on to during my surgery. I told myself that I would survive it if it was God's Will and if I didn't then I thought my mission has been completed and it was time to be reunited with my Dad.

I did survive, so I'm now praying for my new mission. It hasn't come to me yet probably because I should focus on fully recovering first. It will come in good time.

A blessed Holy Week to everyone!

Things I'm Going to Do When I'm Back Home

If you follow me on my G+, Twitter or Plurk you'd know I can't wait to go home. I've been grounded for a few months now in Singapore because my doctor wants to make sure I'm okay before I leave. My doctor did say though that I could probably go home by April! Hooray!

I think I look much better now and my colleagues can attest that I don't look greenish anymore. Some have said I don't look like I went through heart surgery. I still hug a pillow though when I walk around so that's my dead giveaway. In any case I realized after spending two half-days at the office this week that I still need to take it slowly and conscientiously do my exercises (like malling!).

Here's my progress in the last 10 weeks.

There's a lot to do when I'm back home so I thought I'd make a list:

(1) Do groceries so I can cook (with assistance from Miguel who now knows how to cook adobo).

(2) Buy a couch. We have a long way to go before we complete the furniture needed at home. One missing item is a couch. I need a couch because I'm a full time couch potato!

(3) Visit the nail salon. I can't reach my toes yet. I need to get rid of my monster toe nails.

(4) Visit the salon. The weeks spent in the hospital has damaged my hair and I badly need a trim. Mom says my hair has reached mermaid length.

(5) Thank God by hearing mass on Easter at our church.

Of course I can't wait to see the rest of my family and friends ;)

Malling is My Official Sport

I remember when I first met my cardiologist ten years ago he asked me what sport I played regularly. I said, "Malling." with a big smile. I thought it was usual for him to get that reply because he went on to say that it was good I had a regular sport. He then paused when he saw me smiling and said, "Did you say malling?" I replied in the affirmative and then he laughed out loud. He said that he thought that I went bowling regularly. He declared I was his funniest patient but I said that was really my favorite "sport".

I hated PE classes. I always tried to get out of it from elementary to high school to college. Sometimes I'd feign sickness just to skip school. I do remember though being one of the fastest runners when I was in first grade, but for some strange reason my time eventually slowed. I guess my condition was already making itself felt when I was still a kid.

I did try out some sports. I love swimming. My Mom usually had a hard time pulling me away from the water when I was very little and I didn't care if I got sunburnt. I spent a lot of time biking with my yellow BMX bicycle. My brother taught me how to play tennis when I was a teenager. And I took up badminton when I had to drastically lose weight to fit in my gown for my friend's wedding. My badminton trainor though gave up on me because he couldn't make me run.

Unlike my Dad and my brother who either played tennis or basketball regularly I've always preferred to stay indoors. I guess it's because I just hate perspiring (haha). When I was discharged from the hospital the physiotherapist told me to make sure I did the exercises they taught me and to keep walking. The exercise was pretty easy so I did it, also to prevent my feet from swelling and I knew it was the only way to regain my independence. The first few weeks though were very hard.

I have rediscovered my favorite sport in the last few days, albeit in very limited capacity. My Mom was so bored taking care of me and I just had to bring her around. I brought her to IKEA one day, treated her to lunch at Marche after my check-up the next day, accompanied her to Daiso and brought her to the airport. The times I was out was quite limited and I made sure to rest whenever I felt tired, but going out has proven to be helpful in my recovery because I was forced to walk more.

I'm still very wary of crowds because I'm scared I might catch a cold or a virus. I didn't want Jay to be stuck at home tending to me when he visited last week so I made it a point to eat lunch out as my exercise for the day. The doctor told me to do what I think was my body was comfortable with so I naturally went back to my official sport, malling. It's been quite helpful for my recovery although a bit expensive since I still need to take cabs, but at least I can happily report that I've reached the spirometer level my doctor wanted me to reach in the last 2 months.

Hopefully I'd be able to go home in a few weeks and work from Manila so I can go for my second favorite sport - swimming. 

Humpty Dumpty

A few weeks back I felt like Humpty Dumpty. I felt my body was broken and seriously needed to be put back together again. I had to walk around clutching a pillow to support my chest because if I didn't I felt my heart might just disengage. Of course I exaggerate, I'm pretty sure my doctor made sure my heart wouldn't just fall off. It just needed to heal together with my broken sternum.

I'm happy to report that from 8 to 6 to 4 tablets of painkillers per day I've been making do with just one now. My doctor (and Sweetie) was pretty concerned that I might get addicted to it already. Well, I forgot to drink the painkiller last Saturday evening and decided I was ready to just drink it whenever I felt pain. It's Monday today and I've just been drinking one painkiller per day now.

I've also been feeling like the old me. In the last few years I've had to live more simply. For those who've just met me in the last 6 years you'd probably think I never wear high heeled shoes or wear make-up. Ten years ago in my former job I used to come to work in stilettos, fully made up and I was very much like Elle Woods. Kikay. I had a gazillion accessories (most of them I made) and had closets-full of clothes and more than a hundred bags. I was a good 10-15 pounds thinner then (blame the Google 15 for my current weight) and was having so much fun going out with friends. I can say I was a totally different person before 2008.

In the last few years I've just felt feeling more tired every day especially after I had pneumonia/heart failure. Typhoon Ondoy took away my shoe collection and most of my clothes and ever since I just thought it would be better to live my life simply. My quality of life had become affected. Now I feel much more like the old me and the first indication is I'm writing more and I feel like there's a well of energy inside me wanting to be released. And I seriously want to go out and shop for a new set of clothes (but I don't want to wear high heels anymore), accessories (maybe I'll start making some again) and bags. Well that's just on the surface level and I think the practical person in me wouldn't really splurge (I'm planning to follow my VP's wife advice about how much stuff to have).

The last few weeks I've been home since my second discharge from the hospital has been therapeutic. I've managed to re-connect with friends (through social media) and I can say I have a social life of sorts. I'm stuck at home but have been getting a lot of visits. I realized that in the last decade I've shied away from opening myself fully to new friendships. I've been very cautious because of some traumatic experiences that broke my heart figuratively. I'm so happy I've been given this break to re-connect and strengthen old ties. This has helped me avoid the post-heart-surgery depression trap which a lot of patients go through.

But unlike Humpty Dumpty with the grace of God and love of my family and friends I'm slowly being put together again.

So this is what 100% blood flow means ;)

Faith and Love

Last night I forgot to drink my painkillers. I just took one tablet in the morning yesterday since I thought it would be good to aggressively wean away from drinking painkillers. My cardio also said that it would be really good if I stop drinking medicine already so I will likely be off my meds by end of this week.

When I woke up in ICU the day after surgery my reaction was, "OMG I survived and I'm alive!" I immediately said a prayer of thanks. I did not expect though to experience a lot of pain weeks following surgery. From my readings I missed the fact that the surgeon would break my sternum during surgery and this would cause a lot of pain. I was given different kinds of painkillers but sometimes the pain would just be unbearable. I would just pray for healing and strength whenever this happened.

I surprisingly woke up today feeling much better than a week ago. After a short trip to have lunch at the office I just stayed home the past few days resting. My new found friend Eng, a pharmacist based in Australia, mentioned that I need lots of rest so my heart and other organs can adjust back to each other. I didn't know that going through surgery requires a lot of rest and physiotherapy. I had to re-learn how to sit up, walk and breathe.

I couldn't do things on my own. I couldn't bath myself nor dress myself, couldn't lift a mug, couldn't open the fridge. I couldn't get up without help. Sweetie had to spoon feed me when I was in the hospital because I kept falling a sleep and lifting the spoon was just hard. I've been pretty useless the past 2 months. I'm better now though. I can breathe better, can walk, can bath and dress myself, done some cooking with help, can lift a glass of water and can lift my old laptop (but not yet carry it around). All these because of the love and patience of my family and friends who have been cheering me on.

Faith and love, important ingredients for recovery :)

The 8-inch Wound

My Mom made sure I didn't have any unsightly scars (especially on my legs). She was pretty strict when I was a child and she didn't allow me to play on the street. It didn't stop me though from going over our gate and playing outside or learning how to use a skateboard. Oh the scoldings I used to get! I guess I've always been the adventurous type.

Now I have this ghastly 8-inch scar across my chest. My doctor said it was supposed to be shorter, but I guess because of the complications they had to make it bigger. And then there are a few other smaller wounds from the second surgery I had to drain the fluid from my pericardium (heart sac) and lungs. Last January after my first discharge I started to cry when Sweetie was dressing me up. He asked me what was wrong and I said, "I'm so ugly now." He immediately reassured me that I wasn't ugly and that my wounds were going to settle and eventually go away.

It's been a month since that day and the main wound has indeed settled. It just looks like I have a red line on my chest. The smaller wounds are all drying up and shrinking. Time does heal all wounds, literally and figuratively. I'm so lucky I have a very loving and understanding husband. I guess I'll just have to suck it in and buy a tankini in case we go swimming this summer haha.

I'm now able to dress myself. It's still quite hard though to remove clothing but I've found a great solution -- shopping for clothes that would be easy to take off! I'm mindful though to keep my wound covered whenever I go out to prevent infection. I now see my scar though as a stamp. A new lease to live longer and provide my family a better quality of life when I'm better. And well I can still show off my thunder thighs since that part of me is still scar-free. 

A Brand New Heart

It's been almost 4 weeks since I underwent mitral valve repair. I would've been able to blog earlier but things got delayed because of complications. I was just supposed to be in the hospital for 5 days - 2.5 hours in surgery, 2 days in ICU and 3 days in ward, but that wasn't the case. Surgery took 4.5 hours due to some complications and my surgeon said that my body reacted differently to the heart-lung machine (or something). I had to be monitored closely for four days. I stayed in the hospital longer than expected because I reacted differently to the medicines and had water in my lungs.

When I woke up the day after the surgery my first thought was, "I survived! I'm alive!" I promptly conked out after that and vaguely remember being given a sponge bath by the nurse. I was really thirsty when I regained consciousness. The nurse gave me some water but said I couldn't have more. Later on she made me the yummiest cup of Milo (I don't really drink Milo but it tasted really good that day). I felt really warm though so I had requested to have an electric fan by my bed. I had a gazillion tubes and plugs sticking out of me.

Sweetie, Miguel and my Mom were there all the time. It was freezing my ICU room though so they just went in and out. On the fourth day I was transferred to a double ward (single rooms were out), but my doctor took pity on me because the other patient was very noisy so he pressured the hospital to have me transferred to a single room the next day.

I was totally helpless during that time. I'm glad though I was assigned to the best nurse station - 9 East. There were a number of Filipino nurses too who knew I was desperate for a bath. The Filipino nurse, Ate Yoly, gave me my first bath and it really made me feel human again. I was in a lot of pain, not because of the surgery, but because of the water that entered my lungs. I had a hard time breathing and it hampered my recovery. As days passed the tubes and plugs sticking out of me were taken out. The vampire though came everyday to collect blood. Good thing she was really nice and made sure my arm didn't bruise.

My heart was in pretty bad shape before surgery. It was already enlarged and I was running the risk of progressing to 30% blood flow, but now my heart is like brand new. It had adjusted well from the repair (I sometimes hear a ticking sound though hehe) and is back to normal size. My cardio said he's very happy about how it had adjusted. I'm lucky too that I don't need blood thinning meds and that means I can eat anything. My recovery has just been held back by the water in my lungs, but after coughing up so much phlegm in the last 2 weeks I hope it's already gone.

I'm still pretty much dependent on many things. It seems only my fingers are working well (for typing). The next few weeks would be focused on regaining my strength and independence. Today's a really good day and I'm just hoping everyday would be a good day so I can go back to work.

Thank you so much to everyone for your prayers and support.

Out for Tweaking

My cardiologist lit up like a Christmas tree when I finally said yes to his proposal -- to finally repair my leaky valve. It's been almost a decade since I started to see him in Singapore and year-in, year-out he'd ask me if I was ready. I probably should've done it a year ago, but circumstances back then just wasn't right. I always believed that things always happen at the right time.

I know my whole family and all of my friends are nervous about what I'm about to go through today. I'm nervous too, but my parents taught me to have faith in God for anything. I told Sweetie last night that I felt like how I feel the night before one of my large scale events. He admonished me and said it isn't an event and that there won't be a thousand people around. It will just be my family and me but they are my world.

I'm glad I was so busy with our move the last few weeks. I didn't have time to go emo about what I'm about to go through and was able to spend every waking time I had with the most important people in my life. We still have a lot to go through and that's what I'm looking forward to in the coming months. They're actually more apprehensive while I'm writing this post.

Well whatever happens I leave it all to God. Please pray for me :)