What is True for You Right Now?

I'm writing this blog post today as part of the writing retreat I joined. The retreat led by my friend, Marjorie Duterte, ended last week, but today is our practice day to free write. Our speaker today, Elaine Factor, shared with us a few things that cause writers block. The last point she gave was about writing from a place of truth.

"Beautiful words come from a place of truth." - Elaine Factor

My Kuya's other challenge for me is to write a book. He gave me this quest the same time he issued the financial freedom challenge. I started writing a memoir a few years ago with my colleagues. We wanted to share our journey scouting for Google. We already had an outline and I have a few pages of it written out. The project fizzled out because we all got busy with work and our lives. I eventually realized it wasn't the right time to write it since I was still working for Google. Perhaps I'll do it once I retire. 

When I joined the writing retreat I knew already what I wanted to write about. Completing the outline and introduction was easy for me. I started to write the second chapter, but hit a huge block. The chapter required me to go back to my painful past. I have moved on from it, but I guess there's still some residual pain from it in my heart. 

It is the truth that I have to accept that's been part of me since I was 17. I went on with my life and did what I had to do to survive. Kuya in his NLP sessions for me always tried to bring me back there so we could resolve it. It's probably what's been wreaking havoc also to my health. And that's the truth that I have to resolve and absolve so I could fully accept all the love that I have right now. 

I hope I'll be able to move on from this so I could continue writing my book. Healing from past trauma isn't easy, but with God's grace I hope to accept this truth. 

CB///*Yr2/56  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/83 #StayHome #BeKind

Moving from a Space of Fear to Love

I got curious after watching the trailer of "The Me You Can't See". A friend said he cried when he watched what Lady Gaga went through. I don't have access to the film so I watched a few videos and read a couple of articles. I was so surprised with what Lady Gaga went through. It never crossed my mind that she went through that kind of horror. 

An article from FoxNews quoted Lady Gaga who said, "For a couple years, I was not the same girl," she said. "The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing. But your body remembers."

I thought about the line, "I've had so many MRIs and scans where they don't find nothing. But your body remembers." It's been three years since the first blood clot in lungs was discovered. Despite many CT scans, MRIs, venogram, angiogram, catheterization etc. the cause has not been found. I have several doctors now putting their heads together trying to figure out what's causing my clots.

It was very timely that our speaker at writing class today spoke about moving from a space of fear to love. You basically cannot create something out of nothing. I remember the days leading up to getting hospitalized. I was so nauseous, dazed, unwell. I tried to fight it because I was chasing after deadlines. Eventually I ran out of fuel. I tried to use the fumes to fight back. I just got worse.

Our other speaker today also said, "Your body is a manifestation of what's happening in your environment." I was broken. It took me months to realize that God was navigating me to another path. I needed to save myself from myself. I only started to improve when I realized I was functioning out of fear*, not love. 

I've just let things be and I have faith that in time I will be healed. At least now I feel I've began to refill my love tank. I've started creating again and I think that's what is important for me at this point. 

Do all things with great love.

CB///*Yr2/42  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/69 #StayHome #BeKind 

*One of my doctors pointed out that stress can cause your blood to coagulate. (Read more here). The funny thing is whenever I'm back home I never get sick. 

Dousing Procrastination with Inspiration

To be honest I've been sleeping a lot in the past week. I'd wake up late, eat oatmeal, drink my meds, do some exercise, watch YouTube, then feel exhausted by late afternoon. I take a nap then Sweetie wakes me up for dinner. It's horrendous since I've been unproductive. My posts have also been uninspired. The sloth seem to have become my spirit animal. Nooooo!

I don't know what's happening. It can be the medication. I oddly felt better after I had cardiac catheterization. We had to lower the dosage of my meds last week because I was bruising. I told myself last night that I had to fight it and get my bum working. Being on stricter lockdown again isn't really helping me. 

I woke up at noon today. Ugh. It took me awhile to sleep last night. Fitbit says I feel asleep at 12:35am, but I kept waking up and I probably thumped Sweetie on the chest because of his snoring (haha). I received an email from my writing guru and felt so inspired. I ended up writing for an hour after finishing my oatmeal. 

I guess the weapon to kill procrastination is inspiration. After class last week I immediately started working on our homework. Then I set it aside and crammed to finish it at the last hour of submission. It's really hard to slay old habits. I guess I just needed some praise and a gentle nudge from my guru to get things started. 

Since I finished our homework early I guess I should now work on my quilting projects. I hope I can stay up today so I can cook Sweetie some dinner!

CB///*Yr2/37  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/64 #StayHome #BeKind

*Mingling down to 2, cases going up in SG