Tuesday, October 2, 2007

When Control Spells Trouble and Who Not to Date

I know this would end up to be a very revealing post and I actually thought about it for a couple of weeks before writing. This is for some people who are very close to my heart and I'm writing this for them in the hopes that they will not go down the same path I did... in my previous life.

Sometimes in our quest to find our "one true love" we end up compromising a lot of things, even our principles. We may think it is love, but I'd say it's stupidity. What do I mean?

I had a former boyfriend who was overly controlling. There were times he would call the guard in our office just to ask what time I left and who I went down the elevator with. He would then "time" how long before I got home and chastise me even if I was a few minutes late. He would control what I ate, what I wore, who I spoke with. He'd read all the messages in my phone. He wouldn't allow me to attend office functions in the evening. He would not allow me to watch movies with my friends. He would not allow me to sing in the choir. He'd go into rages and would accuse me of seeing other guys. He became jealous and very possessive. Get the picture? It is I believe a form of abuse.

He sucked my life out of me. Well, almost. I was really feisty back then. I'd fight back, but I'd always lose because I was very afraid of losing him. I lost my sunshine. I changed. I even lost my muse for writing. I compromised what I knew was right. I compromised what I wanted. I compromised my principles. I was unhappy, but I just couldn't bear not having him.

I realized though that my true self was telling me something when I wouldn't do anything to fix our wedding. The date was moved thrice already. I always told him I was busy (I was going up the ladder in my career then). I was fixing our papers for migrating (he wanted to, I didn't), but it was all such a hassle to me and I was getting red tape from one task to another. I knew then that God was telling me something. So I prayed and prayed hard for clarification. And He answered, one prayer after another. Walang mintis.

I don't know how I survived. I was reedly thin then (I'm really fat now!). I did really well at work. My depression was like a light switch. I could turn it off and on (that's good control LOL). At work, I'd be so bright and cheerful like nothing was wrong. It was a month after before I managed to tell my family that I already broke off our engagement. My parents were very worried, but my Kuya told them not to worry because he knew that whatever it was I was going through, I would go back to my roots, to who I really am. And, I did, I pulled through. It may have taken a long time for me to heal, but my friends, family and my faith got me over it.

And since the, I told myself. I WILL NOT COMPROMISE. I will not settle for anything less. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life rather than be stuck with somebody who will just eventually make me unhappy.

And no, I did not meet the perfect guy right after that relationship. Brother Bo said you have to meet a lot of guys. The worst thing you'll have is a new guy friend. Right? And believe me there are a lot of guys who are not ready to be in a relationship, they are just playing or rather... they are still being honed to be men. I know, I've been quite upset it for the longest time (years) and I always asked Papa God how come they don't make guys like my Dad anymore? I think they're a dying breed.

So, my dear girl friends, control is just one of the many things that you should be very wary about... be scared, be very scared when:

1. A guy seems to say all the right things and seems so sure of himself and what he wants. He just wants you and is most probably just after your body. Bolero yan promise.

2. A guy seems to turn off his ear when you are sharing a problem. Remember, the most basic component of any relationship is friendship. If he doesn't want to hear about your day or is not even compassionate about you having a cough or a fever, even as a friend, naku iha he's not worth it.

3. A guy that forces you into schedules. Tsk tsk tsk. You are not a task list item. He's probably forcing you to fit in his schedule because he has others in his schedule. Multi-tasker ito!

4. A guy who tells you not to contact him. Ano ka kabit? If you cannot freely contact him anytime, wake up! That spells a lot of trouble. And forcing you just to talk with him through IM (this is true for LDRs), naku, kuripot na obvious pang may tinatago. My guy friends in the US call me often, and those are just friends ha.

5. A guy friend with whom you might have something going tells you, "Don't get too close to me, I might fall for you." And then goes and gets angry with you when you stop being malambing to him. Girl, that guy definitely has a lot of issues, if he can't face the fact that he likes you even though all your friends say so, it just means he is not that into you. Stay away.

6. A guy who has a girlfriend and still courts you. Even if he says, "Give me a chance, I'll leave her for you." Remember, he can do that to you as well. How can you trust a person who's like that? Asa pa siya.

7. A guy who is reportedly a womanizer. One that your friends have warned you about. You might be just one of his trophies. He probably has a lot of issues and in the end even though he tells you he loves you, he'd be so screwed up already because of his past.

8. A guy who doesn't treat his mother or sister right. That's how he'll treat you as well.

9. A guy who gets mad at the smallest of things and accuses you of stuff you did not do. It's his ghosts haunting him. Plus a guy who lies a lot and makes you lie for him. Goodness, let's not even delve into that.

10. A guy who kisses and tells. You'd know coz you'd be one of the ones he tells to. Tsk tsk tsk.

I asked a lot of my married friends how they came to the conclusion that they were marrying that person and all of them said one thing, "You just know." Armed with that "truth" , I did not allow myself to become bitter over all the stuff I've gone through. I told my best friend (now upgraded hehehe... and I'd say... I just know, I've known from the start silly... did I really have to go 10,000 miles away? LOL) that if my last relationship did not work out, then I'd just treat is as an adventure. It did not work out.

I wrote this piece for a couple of people who are close to my heart. It breaks my heart to see them in a situation where I was years ago. It was horrendous and I really do not know how I survived it, but I could safely say that I've put a closure to all the stuff from my past already and I am looking forward to a very bright future. There is hope girl. Pray.

I wasted 7 years of my life on one guy, don't do the same stupid thing I did.

What about you? What's the most stupid thing you've done for a guy? Who do you think you should NOT date?


  1. Anonymous6:04 AM

    Yes you might wasted 7 years of your life with this guy BUT you GAINED a whole lot by letting him go and being true to yourself. There is still a gift you got from this person. Now you are sharing your life experience to help others not to fall the same trap. You just knew he was NOT the one just as you will know you will find the one.

  2. OMG, sounds like the story of my life! Mmm.

  3. Anonymous9:35 AM

    Don't consider that 7 years wasted. You survived and it honed and made you a smarter woman. Girls, heed the advice of Aileen.

  4. Anonymous9:38 AM

    #11 A guy who drinks all the time -
    lasingero, tangero expert!

  5. @noemi - that's true, I gained more wisdom and I've learned to appreciate what a real man is.

    @christina - yes, you and me =)

    @ted - thanks, I was very nervous about writing this post.

    @anonymous - hmph!

  6. Anonymous3:37 PM

    "A guy who has a girlfriend and still courts you."


    Thanks for this Ate Aileen!!!

  7. Hi, Aileen! I've one of your loyal readers. This is really a very nice post. I am glad that you are now VERY happy! :)

    To answer your question, BEWARE of commitment phobes. If they cannot commit now they will not commit...EVER (well, with you anyway).

    Horay again for the great post!

  8. Aileen ang deep naman nito! =P

    Just one thing: Everything happens for a reason. =)

  9. never date a guy that is so married. yung may girlfriend medyo pwede pa pero one who's that committed, yaiks.

  10. Anonymous3:31 PM

    Hi Ms. Aileen. Touched with your story, I posted 3 tips, this time on qualities of who should a single lady date.

  11. Hi Aileen, thanks for sharing something from your past. Touching story indeed. I would like to add some tips, don't go out with a guy who drinks a lot, one who disrespects his mother, one who is cruel to animals and one who is always a free-loader.

  12. Hi Aileen, i always love your posts.. Keep up =)