Managing Triggers

I haven't been sleeping well again the past few days. I'm scheduled for a test again tomorrow and I'm a bit anxious about it. My doctors have poked me so many times this year, but I never get used to it (and you shouldn't!). Aside from that I've had to deal with other things that set off my PTSD. 

The past year has been a test of patience and resilience. It's something a lot of pulmonary embolism survivors go through. In our patient group there's always someone who asks for help to deal with anxiety. This stems from the feat that you can clot again and you can die from it. I've had two clotting episodes and the second one has been really hard to recover from because the first one is still around! 

To recover from an illness you have to be strong mentally. I only started getting better when I got help. My doctor advised that you need to understand your triggers. You also need to be able to arrest the trigger and purposely pull yourself to another direction. It's not easy to do. I cried the other day because my doctor scolded me for asking too many questions. He apologized after a few minutes, but it already made me feel so bad. 

When the tears started to fall Sweetie asked what was wrong. I told him I got super stressed. In between hiccups I told him I needed milk tea haha. The tears immediately stopped. To be honest I had a hard time sleeping that night because of the incident. I felt better yesterday, but was once again triggered when a friend said I was fat. It took me hours to fall asleep again. I finally did when I thought about my dog Jolly. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection by Bo Sanchez was helpful of putting things in proper perspective. He said instead of battling "demons" think of the incident as God's way. You can think of the triggers as a way to deal with issues or as a way of learning. Now I will always ask myself, "What is God trying to teach me?". This will help me stay away from feeling bad and getting emotional. 

Please pray for me tomorrow as I undergo another test. May God bless the hands of the experts who will poke me again. 

CB///*Yr2/144 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/167 #NewG303 #Home61 #Xmas114 #StayHome #BeKind  

Upgraded to One in a Million

I was surprised to get so many nurse visits after I had heart surgery 8 years ago. They were a curious bunch. One of them explained to me that I was a text book case, occurring only once in a hundred thousand people. She was referring to the veins in my neck. 

Since then I was told not to allow just anyone to probe or poke me. I had a venogram last June again and I think I traumatized my doctor haha. They have been trying to solve the mystery of what's causing my clots. They decided to do another venogram, a proper one, to determine the cause. Knowing the cause is important so you can prevent another clotting incident. 

Well, they got some clues, made emergency plans (if really needed) and declared I should not get the vaccination for COVID-19. My doctor said that I will most likely have a severe reaction to it and he won't be able to save me. I also had myocarditis last year after I caught a viral infection from a taxi driver. 

My manager always joked before that I should probably live in a bubble. I was a magnet for viruses and got sick at he oddest times. I caught the viral infection last year from that one day I wore a fabric mask. I wore a fabric mask because my doctor told me it'll be better for me. I have accepted that I do need to live in a "bubble" now. I'm able to cope with lots of hugs from Sweetie so far and look forward to Miggy's super hugs when I get home. 

It's not fun to have a medical condition. It requires a lot of patience, tibay ng loob, and faith. My doctors always say that I have a good understanding of what I've been through. Sometimes I ask God why have I been blessed to live. I realized last week that I am still around because God loves me and wants me to share to everyone that faith and love can really keep powering you on. 

Day 20 Minimalism challenge, Create a relaxing space. Ahhhh I have just upgraded my spot on the couch. I got this cute "toast" pillow which I just realized is made of memory foam. It was supposed to be a surprise for Miggy, but it looked so comfortable when I opened it I decided to use it for myself! It's been the perfect add-on to my spot on the couch. 

CB///*Yr2/131 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/154 #NewG315 #Home73 #StayHome #BeKind

Spinning My Way to Biking Again

I finally completed 5 days of spinning on our exercise bike. Yay! I was also able to complete 18 minutes on it non-stop. That's a huge achievement for me! It's a far cry from doing "one minute on, one minute off" which I used to do with my physiotherapist. Before she left she told me that I could increase the minutes, but stop if I have a hard time breathing. 

I'm half-way to my target -- 30 minutes non-stop. I chose to get an exercise bike because biking is the one "sport" I really liked when I was growing up. I used to go with my Dad and his friends when they went walking around the village on Sundays. During summer vacation I'd go biking with friends around the village. 

My first bicycle was a red BMX. I learned how to use it on my own while the EDSA Revolution was happening. Mom's garden was the perfect learning space. I remember I would be called to go inside whenever helicopters would pass by. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with the red BMX because it was stolen! My parents eventually got me a yellow BMX bicycle. 

I super loved my yellow BMX bike. It had a basket and a cute bicycle bell. I made a lot of happy memories with that bicycle. I eventually outgrew it and I think my Mom gave it away to one of our workers. I still think about it fondly. 

And that's one of my intentions. When I go home I want to be able to bike around our village again. I hope it'll be with Sweetie or Miggy. I could bike to my Mom's home and bring her some pandesal from our neighbor. And go to the park and spin Pokestops. Ahh, it makes me so excited to go home! 

Do you have a favorite childhood hobby you'd like to do again?

Day 16 Minimalism Challenge, Don't spend money for 24 hours. I could go for days without spending money. It's the advantage of just being home. Part of my recovery process includes doing more chores. I've been trying to cook more the past few weeks. I was really happy when I was able to bake cookies last week because I was able to share some with my neighbors. Hopefully with increased energy and stamina I can do more and have more days when I don't spend money. 

CB///*Yr2/127 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/150 #NewG319 #Home77 #StayHome #BeKind 

Forgiving and Accepting Yourself

Last night I almost went down the "Why is this happening to me?" road. I managed to stop myself because I've already resolved that question awhile back. I read somewhere that when you're faced with challenges it's better to look at it from a different perspective. Instead of asking "Why is this happening to me?", ask "What am I supposed to learn from this?" or "Is there a new mission God wants me to do?"

At some point during this harrowing journey with my weird health I got tired from overthinking. I blamed myself for getting sick and for not taking care of myself better. For not heeding the many signs that was leading to my current condition. I'm lucky I have a friend who kept reminding me that I shouldn't think about it that way. No one could have predicted that I would get sick, not even my doctors. 

My friend also kept reminding me not to feel guilty that I had to rest. I've always been on the go since high school. My Mom would always say, "Baka nasosobrahan ka na. Magpahinga ka naman!" I felt really guilty that I was not contributing especially since I know I was needed. It would break my heart whenever my teammates and partners would tell me they missed me. Good thing my friend was patient at reminding me that it's okay not to be okay and I shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

I guess it hit me hard because my love language is "acts of service". Not being able to do my work was unforgivable. Eventually I got tired of beating myself up and finally listened to my friend. I finally like the new me. I wake up, eat breakfast, drink my meds and go about my new no-pressure, no-stress normal. Stress is really bad for me as I learned the other day (nosebleeds all-day ftw). So I've been taking things one day at a time and just leaving everything to God's Will. 

Day 15 Minimalism challenge, Evaluate your last 5 purchases. Uh-oh... these are my last 5 purchases:

 (1) Just ordered lunch even though I still have leftovers in the fridge. 

(2) Essential oils - I could have probably omitted one of the four I got, but I got it for stock and I got a free one that I was planning to buy next time, so might've been a good trade-off. 

(3) CBTL coffee beans and merienda - coffee beans yes for everyday coffee, but could have skipped the merienda since their food has always been blah. 

(4) Cable holder, for future use, wasn't really needed (but it was so cheap!). 

(5) Small device bag - also got this for future use when we go home, could have probably skipped buying since I'm not really going anywhere when I get home noh?

I should seriously stick to my weekly allowance and determine what I really need :')

CB///*Yr2/125 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/148 #NewG321 #Home79 #StayHome #BeKind 

How are You?

Hello my friend, how are you today? Are you happy? Sad? Tired? Restless? Anxious? Bleh? 

It was a sunny day today and I just quietly worked on my new quilt project all afternoon. I didn't nag Miggy and Sweetie as much because I watched three episodes of The Good Doctor while ironing half-squares. The episodes I watched were the ones where Dr. Glassman was forcing Dr. Shaun to see a therapist. Shaun didn't want to and did things to avoid seeing the therapist. 

And that's why I asked how are you today? This pandemic has been so hard for all of us. I've been able to cope mainly because of my family and close friends. I still feel antsy every so often about being stuck at home and the lack of social activities. The first few months when we had to stay home was the hardest. I'm grateful that we were able to move homes because our old place had a lot of plumbing issues. 

I was getting some counselling last year. We were trying to work out the extreme stress I was going through. The break I took helped and eventually my counselor said he had resigned. I was okay by then and replaced him with gardening and baking. I managed until I had another PE* and I was able to cope, but there were things that would trigger symptoms and anxiety. 

It was then I realized that I needed help because I might have PTSD (which is common among PE survivors). I asked help from a friend and he referred me to his doctor. I'm glad I went to see his doctor because it also helped with my recovery. The doctor also understood very well that I've been through a lot and knew what to do. 

Our sessions have been pretty straightforward. I report the status of my medical condition and share what I've been doing for my recovery. It's not like what they show on TV where you lie down on a couch and talk about your issues, LOL. I've just had a handful of sessions and I'm happy to share that the strong, fighter me is back. And that was my main purpose of getting help to deal with PTSD. The triggers still exist, but I'm able to deal with it much better. I'll probably graduate from seeing him soon. 

Back to Dr. Shaun Murphy, I kinda get why he's resisting to see a therapist. He probably thinks and feels he can cope with things. That's how I felt too, but after losing sleep for 48 hours a couple of times I knew I needed help (and that's what other patients would advise too). It was one of the best decisions I made for myself because the issues I was having eased up a bit. I know there will be more challenges and I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least I'm able to cope better now (and I'm no longer a dead weight at home!).

So, how are you my friend? I'm just a ping away if you need someone to talk with :)

Day 26 Gratitude, Something in nature. The breeze. I super love it when a gentle breeze blows through. That's what I always imagine when I'm lulling myself to sleep. The breeze reminds me of afternoons I used to spend in my Mom's garden. She'd usually place a banig (mat) on the lawn and that's where I'd play or work on my crafts. We usually get a nice breeze in the afternoons on her lawn. 

CB///*Yr2/109 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/132 #NewG337 #Home95 #StayHome #BeKind 

*PE - pulmonary embolism; PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

Jumping Jolly June!

Happy first of June and happy Pride Month everyone!

Five months of 2021 has passed! Wow! It went by a little slower for me since I've just focused on getting well. I focused on surviving during the first quarter of the year. I didn't expect to have another PE*. My breathing started to improve only in April. 

Now that I could breathe a bit better I focused the second quarter on improving my stamina and energy. I finally achieved 5k steps again on April 30 when we went to the Star Wars Identities exhibit. I had to work on my step count again post-cardiac cath, but I think I'm better now compared to a month ago. 

This month I want to graduate from gentle exercises to something a bit more advanced. I found an old photo of Sweetie carrying me in Bohol. It's from a decade ago when we were younger and had better bodies (haha). For now I just want to be able to jump again! And maybe go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. I also hope this will be the month we finally solve the mystery of where my PEs are coming from. 

I woke up this morning energized and excited to meet a new doctor. I had to postpone the appointment again because I felt nauseous after taking a shower. Boo! I still have days that don't go on as planned so I just play it by ear everyday. The nausea went away after a nap and got better after I ate a banana. I still hope I can do some spinning later to start my 30-day daily exercise challenge. Join me! Yes?

Praying for a jumping, jolly June!

CB///*Yr2/52  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/79 #StayHome #BeKind

*PE - pulmonary embolism

Moving from a Space of Fear to Love

I got curious after watching the trailer of "The Me You Can't See". A friend said he cried when he watched what Lady Gaga went through. I don't have access to the film so I watched a few videos and read a couple of articles. I was so surprised with what Lady Gaga went through. It never crossed my mind that she went through that kind of horror. 

An article from FoxNews quoted Lady Gaga who said, "For a couple years, I was not the same girl," she said. "The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing. But your body remembers."

I thought about the line, "I've had so many MRIs and scans where they don't find nothing. But your body remembers." It's been three years since the first blood clot in lungs was discovered. Despite many CT scans, MRIs, venogram, angiogram, catheterization etc. the cause has not been found. I have several doctors now putting their heads together trying to figure out what's causing my clots.

It was very timely that our speaker at writing class today spoke about moving from a space of fear to love. You basically cannot create something out of nothing. I remember the days leading up to getting hospitalized. I was so nauseous, dazed, unwell. I tried to fight it because I was chasing after deadlines. Eventually I ran out of fuel. I tried to use the fumes to fight back. I just got worse.

Our other speaker today also said, "Your body is a manifestation of what's happening in your environment." I was broken. It took me months to realize that God was navigating me to another path. I needed to save myself from myself. I only started to improve when I realized I was functioning out of fear*, not love. 

I've just let things be and I have faith that in time I will be healed. At least now I feel I've began to refill my love tank. I've started creating again and I think that's what is important for me at this point. 

Do all things with great love.

CB///*Yr2/42  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/69 #StayHome #BeKind 

*One of my doctors pointed out that stress can cause your blood to coagulate. (Read more here). The funny thing is whenever I'm back home I never get sick. 

The Force was Strong Yesterday

I have been doing a number of tests the past few weeks. My doctors have been doing this to investigate how to help me get better. I haven't been sleeping well since the medtech told me my lungs look really bad. My doctor discussed options last week, but she wanted to do one last test to be sure. 

Two of the options would require surgery, the least invasive would be medication. My other doctors were worried about doing surgery because it will be too risky. That's what kept me up at night. I was also wary about doing the test because I bled a lot last time I did it. 

To be honest I was scared to do the procedure*. My long time cardiologist though reassured me and said he trusts my new doctor. I promised him I'd be brave and would do it. I prayed and meditated. Woke up early yesterday for my early appointment. 

I was awake during the procedure. I prayed the rosary while they were taking a peek at my heart. Midway through the procedure my doctor told me they were not going to do phase 2. They were already able to determine why I was still having shortness of breath. She also said it wasn't what she feared. She decided to cut the procedure short since I could just take more medications to help resolve my issue. 

I was discharged after lunch with orders to rest until the wound heals. Sweetie has been taking care of me and I'm thankful he's been by my side the whole time. I'm also grateful for all the prayers my family and friends have been doing for me. 

Thank you Lord for your continued healing. The force was strong yesterday :)

CB///Yr2/25  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/52 #StayHome #BeKind   

*Any procedure involves risks

One Percent Per Day

I am grateful to all my family and friends who have been praying for me. It gives me strength to fight back. I also appreciate the spiritual guidance Sister Lirio and my Kuya have been providing for me. This has been really tough for me, more than when I had heart surgery. 

The rain from the last few days has given me a respite. Last week was bad since I bled again. It took five days before it resolved. I didn't go to my doctor because I felt it would resolve on its own and I don't want to be warded* again. There was pain, but dealing with the frustration was harder. I've decided to see my doctor this week. 

Today I will resume physiotherapy. I need to get moving. I did some light exercises last week. Through my frustration I realized that I had to change my perspective on getting well. I was getting frustrated because I was expecting to get fully well by a certain date. The date kept moving and moving and moving. 

I watched Bo Sanchez' video on "How you can improve 1% per day?". I'm taking inspiration from that and focusing on improving at least 1% everyday. This way I can celebrate progress however small it is. I went from bleeding and puffing my inhaler five times a day to no bleeding to three inhaler puffs a day by end of the week. 

Ahhh, yes, progress even at 1% per day is still an improvement which should be recognized. It's like my quilting projects. They move really slowly, but each day I see the fruits of my labor. That makes me happy and I think a huge part of recovering for me is to stay positive and happy, follow doctors orders and keep praying. 

Thank you for praying for me my friend. 

CB///339 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/2 #StayHome #BeKind 

*Warded = admitted in the hospital 

Trust in Him

I have been panicking in the last three days. I'm bleeding again. It's so frustrating because I have been very careful. I suspect though that I may have exhausted myself when I had a haircut. That's how fragile I am for now. 

Today's reading though is very fitting for me. I'm like Naaman who did not trust in the process. He was told to plunge in the Jordan 7 times to get healed from leprosy. Last week I was given similar instructions for my prayers. I have started doing it, but got distracted. And thus the reminder to trust in Him that I will eventually be healed. 

The distraction was me backsliding into my old self again. With the brain fog lifted I have been gearing myself to slip back to the old ways. Definitely not good. I have been careless. Taking it easy today. Hopefully things will go better. 

CB///333 #StuckAtHomeDay/363 #StayHome #BeKind 

The Value of Being Sick

Is there any value to being sick? The first thought that comes to mind is a resounding no. Getting sick takes a toll on your body, your finances, your relationships, everything. I was confident I'd be okay by now. I thought I'd be back to work early this month. I've been on medical leave since mid-December and save for the PE that was diagnosed my doctors can't really explain why I'm still sick. 

The medication that was given to me yesterday are pretty potent. I was asleep most of the day today and I'm still sleepy. In between sleeping and eating I chanced upon this homily* by Archbishop Soc Villegas. He spoke about the value of being sick. He said it is when you are forgotten, ignored, and unimportant when you will learn a lot.   Yup, I'm certainly down in the pits right now. 

I think the biggest mistake I've done in my life is I thrived too much on feeling important. I was always needed. My services were always in demand. I just kept going on and on and on and forgot about myself. I was really happy because I made others happy. What I forgot was to take care of myself and most especially take care of my spiritual life. I would pray, but I was just going through the motions. I lost the connection. 

I was going through some of my things and found a postcard prayer. It was a prayer for healing I think my Mom gave me the last time I saw her. It is a powerful prayer that has resonated a lot on my soul. When I found it I remembered the last time my Kuya sat down with me to help free me from past trauma. I think I probably tried too hard to be strong I never really resolved all the issues I've been through. And that's probably why all my attempts at healing have been failing. 

"Timing is everything!" according to Bo Sanchez on his video today. He said that you should respect that time that you are in. I haven't really respected this time that I'm supposed to be sick and healing. I have been pressuring myself to get well and here I am still sick. 

So for now I'm just going to leave it up to the Lord. I will take care of myself, follow doctors orders, pray and let's see how things go. I hope learn what God is telling me to learn. 

CB///316 #StuckAtHomeDay/346 #StayHome #BeKind 

*The title of the video I think is incorrect.

Happy Heart

I went to see my doctor bright and early today since I want to get my issues sorted out asap. We did a blood test and xray and he said it's my sinuses that are acting up. It's probably because the air quality has been slightly bad the past week. He couldn't explain though why I've been nauseous and will review me again in a few days. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have the energy to finally scan all the tests I've done since January so I can send it to my cardiologist. 

Super kawaii mug from Ralph <3

While I was at the hospital my phone rang and it was for the door at home. I thought it was delivery for something I ordered online, but Sweetie called and asked if I knew the person who was sending a Toastbox snack bundle. A friend had just messaged me that he was sending me some snacks for good vibes. Awww, really, really appreciate it my friend and I hope to be well soon so we can start our TB Singapore tour! 

Just rested after I got home and fell asleep while trying to watch "The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel". I slept through two episodes and only got to watch the last few minutes of the second episode. I woke up because Sweetie had finished work and went out of the room. Oh well, at least I got a good nap, my doctor did say I should rest more. 

My heart is happy even though I wasn't feeling well all day. Thank you my friends <3

CB///315 #StuckAtHomeDay/344 #StayHome #BeKind 

Must Keep My Mojo Intact

A friend of mine advised me today that I probably need to find new ways to cope. I told him that the things I'm experiencing are new and it's getting frustrating. I didn't sleep well last night since I was having this terrible headache. I've been scared to take pain medication since it may interfere with the blood thinner. Things were not this bad when I had my first PE in 2018 and that's why I've been having a hard time. 

After chatting with my friend I finally did the second treatment for the soil. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now. I was putting it off because I've not been feeling well. Told myself I should just get on with it. It was an easy task of watering the soil with a hydrogen peroxide mixture. I was exhausted after the task and rested in the couch. It was fulfilling to finish the task. 

Took a bath and prepared my own lunch and worked on my quilt project while watching some vids. I was pondering whether I should go to my PT session. My asthma was acting up again. I pushed myself to go since I know my physiotherapist would know what to do. We talked for awhile and she said that I was a different person today. She said my illness is taking away my mojo. 

It was then I realized I was already allowing my illness to take over me. I need to fight this back. I immediately called up my doctor and would've gone to him if he was around. I'll see him tomorrow instead. My PT then asked if I was up to do some biking. I felt a bit better after setting up an appointment with my doctor so I immediately jumped on the bike. We just did a few rounds and I felt much better after that. 

I was exhausted when I got home. Took a shower and then just rested. I just checked now and saw that the air quality has been bad and is probably the reason why my asthma has been acting up. I hope I'll have a good night's sleep and have a good check-up tomorrow. 

CB///314 #StuckAtHomeDay/344 #StayHome #BeKind

Half a Good Day is Still a Good Day

I'm trying my best to hold on to the hope that my recovery will progress. The last few days have been challenging and it's hard to determine whether what I'm going through are regular side effects or something I should be concerned about. 

A lifetime ago when I took trial sewing lessons at Spotlight. Sewing makes me happy :)

Anyway, since I was okay for half a day I was able to sew for a few hours. It's a project I've been working on since mid-2019! I told myself I need to finish this before I start anything else. I'm working on a blanket for a couple. It's my wedding gift for them. It's just a simple design, but the blanket is huge haha. At the rate I'm going it'll probably take 3 more months before I finish this. 

It didn't take long for me to feel exhausted so I immediately stopped what I was doing and rested on the sofa. And that's how a good day goes for me. I'm glad I was able to do something productive today. Yesterday I wasn't able to do anything. I just rested all day and took naps every few hours. I pray things will get better soon. 

CB///313 #StuckAtHomeDay/343 #StayHome #BeKind

The Language of Happiness

As I slug through recovering each day has been a revelation for me. Aside from recovering physically I know my soul also needs healing. I understand now I cannot rush through this because it is an issue that I've been ignoring for many years now. I've run out of brownie points and the only way to move on is to address the issue point by point. 

Last night before I went to sleep I came across an IG post by a vlogger, Kulas of Becoming Filipino. He said that he's traveled across the Philippines with little knowledge of local dialects, but he's been able to connect to locals because of the way he communicates through happiness and positivity. It resonated so well with me because it reminded me of why I do things.

I started this blog 15 years ago because I wanted to inspire and spread positivity. This is the core of why I do things. This is the part of me that comes from my Dad. Inspire others by sharing happiness and the joy of helping others. I gave it my all and forgot to leave something for myself. As Bo Sanchez said, "You cannot give what you don't have." And right now my well is empty. 

I have been hibernating because of that. I've been going online sparingly to follow doctors orders (to avoid stress). I didn't realize it back then, but I think it's been the best thing for me for now. In time, with God's grace, I would heal and will be back. 

CB///306 #StuckAtHomeDay/336 #StayHome #BeKind

Trying to Learn More Seafood Recipes

I must admit, cooking did not come to me naturally. I did not get my Dad's talent at cooking. He can whip up dishes quickly and can reverse engineer my favorite food! I remember he did that for Jolly spaghetti for me. One of the things we were never able to replicate was his burger made of shredded coconut. It tasted like real burger!  

I learned some basics from our Foods class in high school. Back then I preferred doing the marketing or dish washing. I didn't like cooking because I was scared of fire. To this day whenever I bake on our gas oven it's Sweetie who puts the pan inside for me. I eventually learned how to cook because we needed to survive after Sweetie, Miggy and I moved to our own home. Thanks to YouTube and discovering the wonders of using an electric stove I learned to cook. (I now use an induction stove). 

One of our favorite places, the Sydney Fish Market.
They have so many yummy food!

Anyway, we're getting on with age so we've been trying to eat more healthy food. My doctor though said when it comes to fish I shouldn't eat oily fish. Fish like salmon, mackerel, sardines etc. are omega-3 rich and should not be eaten when you're on blood thinners. I have to stick to white fish. That's something I'm still learning about and it's challenging because the variety of fish here in SG is not the same as back home. 

I stick to easy to make recipes and I have a new favorite chef on YouTube -- Chef Tatung. He vlogs on his channel called Simpol and has many easy to make recipes. He teaches in a very straightforward matter and I've tried a number of his recipes. His recipes make my tummy happy and the ingredients he uses are easy to find too. So naturally I looked through Chef Tatung's videos and found a few seafood dishes he made. Here's what I tried so far --

Steamed fish with soy ginger sauce (recipe).

Fish fillet escabeche (recipe).

And that's one of the things I love to do. I mustered up enough energy last night and cooked the fish escabeche. It took me two hours to make it and macaroni salad because I had to rest in between (and I really cook very slow). I was so exhausted and ended up skipping our after-dinner walk. My stamina and energy isn't back yet. I know it's going to take awhile so I really need to take it slow for now. 

Do you have any suggestions for fish dishes that use white fish? Comment down below please :)

CB///300 #StuckAtHomeDay/330 #StayHome #BeKind

Self-Love: the Journey Back to Me

 It's the month of love and it's my new year! So I thought I'd move on now to how I want the rest of my year to be. I want the rest of my year to be full of love and I want to create more happy memories. 

Woke up early today to get my meds and breakfast out of the way. After that I worked on Sweetie's shampoo and then cleared out the kitchen trolley. I did those to understand my limits for now. I was exhausted before eleven so I retreated to the couch. I chanced upon this video by Bo Sanchez -

It got me thinking and I realized I really need to work on myself. In the past ten years since I moved to Singapore I gave up a huge part of my life. I failed to replenish my happiness tank. From watching Bo's video I realized I must not like myself too much because I put myself in this situation. I'm not going to dwell on it and will focus on healing. Here's what Bo advised to like yourself better -

"1 - Say no to toxic people; 2 - Activate your core needs; 3 - Change your self-dialogue; and 4 - Start  telling yourself what God tells you in the Word."

Today is my new year and this is the start of my journey back to me. 

And today's self-love comes in the form of a cupcake! Haha. 

CB///298 #StuckAtHomeDay/328 #StayHome #BeKind

Where Did January Go?

On the way home I realized I spent most of the month in the hospital. It's not been a good start for the new year for me. I'm hopeful though that things would be better in the coming weeks. The experience of going home yesterday was so much different from my first discharge. I wasn't in a daze like last time and was able to take a short walk downstairs last night. I feared I'd be back to zero. 

On the way home yesterday.

I haven't had a chance to write down my plans for the year. Well, the plans unfolded by itself. In 2020 I declared it to be the year for self-love. After reviewing the list I realized I was only able to do 3 out of the 10 things I listed. I changed my priority to learning new things because of the situation. I forgot about myself again. 

So that's probably why I'm in this situation now. This year I'm bring back my resolution for self-love. I think I made a headstart after I got out of the hospital last January 15. I just had another pothole on the road and I'm sure things will get better in the coming weeks. I just need to give myself time to heal and be ready to have a better year. 

When I got home yesterday I was so happy to see the spring onion I am trying to root. I cooked steamed soy ginger fish yesterday and used the spring onions to garnish the dish. I decided to again to root the stems. I had failed at it several times already and that's why I was so happy to see it flourishing. I'll blog about what I did differently on The Balcony Farmer soon. Hopeful!

CB///297 #StuckAtHomeDay/327 #StayHome #BeKind

I'm Going Home Today!

Woke up early and energized today. I finally had a good night's sleep! The evening nurse took pity on me last night and removed the plug on my hand. It was starting to swell and I suspect it was the reason why my arm was hurting already. Doc had it scanned yesterday to be sure it wasn't clotting. I was so relieved when the nurse said my arm was clear. I'm going home with just a small bruise which is much better than what I had early this month.

An Apple a Day by Hello Kitty! One of my favorite shirts.

I feel much better today compared to when I was discharged 15 days ago. I was able to fix my stuff. Sweetie will just need to zip up the luggage when he comes later. I still need to take it slow and doctor said to come back at the first sign of bleeding. My blood test came back with good stats. When my doctor is happy I'm happy.

I'm not going back to work immediately. I'm going to focus on getting well first. I already made the mistake of pushing my body too hard many times. That's a huge reason why my body is like this now. I will need to find the right balance first before I go back. I know my manager is super excited to have me back, but I don't want to come back so soon and get sick again. I need my body to heal without stress. (I always tell my team they will survive without me. That's how I've been training them.)

I'm so glad I'm going home today. Sweetie will be able to sleep soundly again. I'm his sleep elixir. He immediately conks out when he sits beside me on the couch (I have plenty of pictures to prove this point). 

Thank you for all your prayers and love. It's what makes me strong. One of my nurses told me yesterday, "You have gone through a lot. You're willpower is the most important factor for you to be well. Promise me you won't come back!" That willpower is powered by prayers and love. So if you have a loved one who is I'll, show them they are loved and needed and pray for them. That will surely boost their morale and fire up their willpower to survive anything. 

CB///296 #StuckAtHomeDay/326 #StayHome #BeKind

Middle of the Night Interruption

My former colleague, Olive, explained to me before that spirits get attracted to the light people emit. They come to you for help and the best that you can do is pray for them and encourage them to go to the light. Since then I was never bothered by ghosts/spirits. I still get scared, but I immediately start praying. 

Last night I was jolted awake by a code blue call. I don't know why, but they always announce it hospital-wide. We also got one yesterday afternoon. So I woke up and immediately felt a presence. I remembered what Olive told me many years ago and started praying the rosary. I told her it's okay and she should just go on. It was only at the end of the first mystery when she went away and I drifted off to sleep.

That hasn't happened to me for a long time now. I don't know if it's real or just my hyperactive imagination (or the medication). I was scared and I just naturally turned to prayer. The nurse told me that it was common for that room to code blue. I told her I stayed in that room for 30 minutes when I was at ICU early this month. The room felt weird and I'm glad they moved me to another room immediately. Maybe they should have that room and the room next to it blessed. 

I'm going to take a nap now since a fire alarm went off earlier and interrupted my sleep again. I have a headache from being jolted awake twice. Need more sleep so my body can work in repairing itself. 

Have you experienced the same thing? Wish I could go home soon.

CB///294 #StuckAtHomeDay/324 #StayHome #BeKind