Moving On and Conquering Pain

I'm honestly thinking twice about getting another booster shot. The effects of the booster shot affected me physically and mentally. Whenever I get sick my spirit gets sick also and last week felt like six months worth of post-PE symptoms compressed into a week. Yes, it was that bad. My lungs were on fire for three days. Then it all stopped suddenly and I slowly got better over the weekend. The first two doses of the vaxx felt like a walk in the park. 

Anyway, what's important is I'm better now. I'm still experiencing odd asthma attacks, but I'm fighting it back. Last week felt like Geralt fighting the striga, the weekend felt like the sun finally rose again. That's how I deal with pain and stress. I look it in the eye and I tackle it. Whatever I went through last week seemed to have killed off the pain I've been feeling since I left my beloved job. 

Welcome to our messy fam room!

Leaving the job I spent 15 years of my life on was really painful. It felt like I was breaking up with someone. To be honest, I couldn't even wear my Google shirts. I would, but rarely, because it felt heavy. At some point I even told Sweetie to stop wearing them when we were still in Singapore. Well, last Saturday I purposely wore my favorite red "uniform" and it felt okay. Today I wore a the 2012 Android Dev Camp shirt and it feels okay. To me it means I have conquered the pain. 

Time is all I needed to move on. It's been a year since I decided to leave. They held onto me though until November, hoping I would change my mind. I'm still being recruited to do stuff for them, but my health wouldn't allow it. I like my life now and whatever energy I have I'd rather spend it with my family. It is a limited resource, so I have to prioritize. 

Live, love, learn, forgive, let go and be grateful. Life is fleeting, so accept what it is you have and pray hard for guidance. 

Happy Monday everyone!

#BeKind #StaySafe #VoteWisely

The Photo that Inspired Me

I rested the whole day yesterday. The boys told me I was on stricter house arrest after I had a severe asthma attack the other night. What caused it was the bad air quality. I took in a lungful while I was admiring the sky. I realized that the dirty air here is different from Singapore. In Singapore I could easily tell when the air quality is bad. I'm probably used to it here so I can't tell the difference. Anyway, I slept most of the day and feel better now. 

I'll still take it easy today so my body can recover fully. I think I'll work on the vinta throw pillow quilt. It was inspired by a photo of VP Leni when she visited Zamboanga recently. I was so stressed out last week with the news, I thought it would be better to channel my frustration to something else. The photo served as an inspiration. I set aside the tshirt quilt project to work on this first (yet again haha). 

Here's the design of the throw pillow quilt I'm working on -

Getting stressed over something I can't control was really bad for me. I got sick and this is what my doctors told me to avoid. Stress causes your immune system to be compromised and the blood test I got proved I had an infection. The first thing I had to do was de-stress. I got over it by channeling my frustration to something good. The photo of VP Leni with the vintas in the background inspired me to be creative. I think that's a good way to cope with stress. 

Seeing posts related to the elections is unavoidable. Much as I'd like to participate more, my body just can't cope with the stress. I'll just pray hard for a good and honest elections. I'm also praying for those still in the dark side to finally see the light. I'll let my able-bodied friends do the campaigning. And thanks to my friend Chelle who sent me some tarps! 

She also sent me this super cute milk tea earrings. You can get it from her Shopee shop at https://shopee.ph/chellebrate. I love the earrings and have been wearing it at home haha. 

#BeKind #StayHome

Dealing with Scary Episodes

In early July I finally went for a routine OB check-up. I haven't gone to one for years. I decided to go because breast cancer runs in my family. I wanted peace of mind. I was promptly scolded by my new OB when I told her I hadn't gone for a check-up for many years. She did the usual tests and said I was cleared. The nurse though told me that the doctor ordered for me to do a mammogram and ultrasound. 

I wasn't keen to do it tbh because I've done so many tests already. Grudgingly went to complete it and didn't think about it anymore. A few days later, on a Sunday, the nurse called me. She asked me to come in the next day for an important discussion with my doctor. She said they found something in the tests. 

There was a mass on my left breast. They wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer. I was immediately sent to a general surgeon. She explained the importance of doing a biopsy, but recommended I do it at another hospital. She said they could care for me better because they had complete doctors 24/7. 

Post biopsy photo lol.

Because of the situation it took a couple of weeks before I was able to meet the breast surgeon I was referred to. She took a look at my scans and reassured me that they didn't scream cancer. I had my first biopsy a week later. Waited an excruciating week for the result and was told it was benign and just fibroids. But... I was required to do another biopsy for the lymph nodes they found. 

The initial second biopsy schedule was botched (story here) and it was re-scheduled six days later. Ended up spending 13 hours at the hospital since the high risk team had to do the biopsy. The doctor told me he had a hard time chasing the lymph node (story here). Waited another excruciating week for the result. They only got very few samples, but it was clearly not malignant.** Whew! 

What started as an innocent routine check-up ended up in a wild goose chase. I'm glad though I had this cleared up. I've done a lot of tests this year and have learned the following:

1. Whatever you end up reading in Google about possible illnesses, just take it as information. Do not diagnose yourself and match the symptoms with what you feel. The more you think about it, the more it will happen. 

2. Going through procedures could be scary. It's useful to know ahead of time what you're going through by watching informational videos made by hospitals. I sometimes also watch patient testimonies. 

3. Stop those scary thoughts by praying. Don't even entertain the worst. Waiting for results can really make you anxious. Look up and think of something else. Keep yourself busy with a hobby or work. 

4. Establish a proper support group. I'm so lucky I have Sweetie, Miggy and a couple of friends who saw me through this. I'm also part of patient groups in FB and some of them have gone through the same issues. 

5. You will go through a lot of issues in your life. Just face it bravely and don't run away from it. Remember God always has your back and He'll only give you what you can bear. 

Well, throughout this ordeal I managed to produce 4 lovely pinwheel quilts. I made these as a farewell gift for some friends. Quilting is really sew-thing (soothing) haha. Watch how I made it and subscribe to my channel (Please?).

Have a great week everyone!

*For those getting a biopsy, it does not hurt at all. I had more arm pain after I got vaccinated (story here).

** I do have to get something checked, but it should be easy peasy. 

CB///*Yr2/162 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/185 #NewG285 #Home44 #Xmas96 #StayHome #BeKind  

Let's Calm Down

A lot of crazy things have been happening back home. I chanced upon a word-war between a government official and the husband of an actress. It started when the government official insulted the actress. Naturally the husband reacted and challenged the official to a fist fight. 

This is happening among other more important issues back home. I read and watch the news everyday to keep tabs on current issues. I also go through updates about our city. It's been important for me to do this for my family back home. 

I rarely comment about issues because I have to manage my stress levels. If my Dad was still alive he'd probably be sending opinion letters to newspapers frequently. Sadly though a lot of what's happening back home could be avoided if people were just plainly decent and kind. Love your neighbor is the golden rule. 

It's hard enough that we're all going the pandemic. We're all going through some form of pain. Hurt people, hurt other people. Let's just calm down a bit so we can think more clearly. I know things are going to get worse because the elections are coming up. 

In the meantime, if you are too busy to meditate or have quiet time, one thing that helps me everyday are wall push-ups. I pair it with deep breathing exercises. It helps strengthen my lungs, firm up my glutes, relieve back pain and it calms me down. I do 15 at a time with my eyes closed. I do this while waiting for my coffee to drip. Try it :D

CB///*Yr2/158 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/181 #NewG289 #Home47 #Xmas100 #StayHome #BeKind 

How are You?

Hello my friend, how are you today? Are you happy? Sad? Tired? Restless? Anxious? Bleh? 

It was a sunny day today and I just quietly worked on my new quilt project all afternoon. I didn't nag Miggy and Sweetie as much because I watched three episodes of The Good Doctor while ironing half-squares. The episodes I watched were the ones where Dr. Glassman was forcing Dr. Shaun to see a therapist. Shaun didn't want to and did things to avoid seeing the therapist. 

And that's why I asked how are you today? This pandemic has been so hard for all of us. I've been able to cope mainly because of my family and close friends. I still feel antsy every so often about being stuck at home and the lack of social activities. The first few months when we had to stay home was the hardest. I'm grateful that we were able to move homes because our old place had a lot of plumbing issues. 

I was getting some counselling last year. We were trying to work out the extreme stress I was going through. The break I took helped and eventually my counselor said he had resigned. I was okay by then and replaced him with gardening and baking. I managed until I had another PE* and I was able to cope, but there were things that would trigger symptoms and anxiety. 

It was then I realized that I needed help because I might have PTSD (which is common among PE survivors). I asked help from a friend and he referred me to his doctor. I'm glad I went to see his doctor because it also helped with my recovery. The doctor also understood very well that I've been through a lot and knew what to do. 

Our sessions have been pretty straightforward. I report the status of my medical condition and share what I've been doing for my recovery. It's not like what they show on TV where you lie down on a couch and talk about your issues, LOL. I've just had a handful of sessions and I'm happy to share that the strong, fighter me is back. And that was my main purpose of getting help to deal with PTSD. The triggers still exist, but I'm able to deal with it much better. I'll probably graduate from seeing him soon. 

Back to Dr. Shaun Murphy, I kinda get why he's resisting to see a therapist. He probably thinks and feels he can cope with things. That's how I felt too, but after losing sleep for 48 hours a couple of times I knew I needed help (and that's what other patients would advise too). It was one of the best decisions I made for myself because the issues I was having eased up a bit. I know there will be more challenges and I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least I'm able to cope better now (and I'm no longer a dead weight at home!).

So, how are you my friend? I'm just a ping away if you need someone to talk with :)

Day 26 Gratitude, Something in nature. The breeze. I super love it when a gentle breeze blows through. That's what I always imagine when I'm lulling myself to sleep. The breeze reminds me of afternoons I used to spend in my Mom's garden. She'd usually place a banig (mat) on the lawn and that's where I'd play or work on my crafts. We usually get a nice breeze in the afternoons on her lawn. 

CB///*Yr2/109 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/132 #NewG337 #Home95 #StayHome #BeKind 

*PE - pulmonary embolism; PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

I LoveD Stress, It's Dangerous

I was looking out the window this afternoon and noticed a big black bird passing through. I think it's the same bird that flies by everyday. I've never been able to take a photo of it because it just appears suddenly as if on cue whenever I look outside. 

If you told me last year I'd be sitting on my couch just watching birds fly, I would not have believed you. I got my thrill at being busy. I was an energizer bunny on steroids. Even when I got sick I pushed hard to immediately get well. 

It was like a huge bucket of iced water hit me when I realized my body was having a huge disagreement with my mind. My spirit and body were at war with each other for six months. It was around April when I realized what my body was trying to tell me. I was living a toxic life.

You can love what you do, but it doesn't mean it's good for you. 

I should have heeded the symptoms - frequent nausea, lots of headaches, shortness of breath, palpitations, and stomach issues. My doctors had been warning me that stress would be bad for me. I thought I was doing okay. Work stress never really bothered me. I loved being busy and being able to help.

My Mom always told me, "Nasosobrahan ka na. Magpahinga ka naman." I would always shrug it off. It took three decades for me to realize what she meant. Now I'm turning into my Mom. I think I finally understand what it means to relax. I wake up, eat breakfast, drink my meds, work on my quilts while watching a film and exercise whenever I feel like it. No deadlines, no pressure, a stress free existence. The only thing I have to commit to is making it to my doctor appointments lol. 

Here's a short clip of Dr. Joe Dispenza talking about the danger of prolonged stress -

Si Aileen huwag tularan. Don't allow stress to rule your life. 

CB///*Yr2/67  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/94 #StayHome #BeKind 

Freedom from Depression

I never thought I'd fall into it because I had my ways of coping. I also have a strong support system. I'm not sure when it actually started. I knew I had some anxiety, but I was always able to suck things in and face issues. My parents taught me to be strong and not give in to weird thoughts. 

I should have taken care of myself better by taking more breaks, resting and saying no in a firmer way. Needless to say the armor broke down and my body went bonkers. It was in early March when I felt I needed help. I would feel super anxious whenever I had to attend a meeting. I did not sleep well days leading up to the meeting. Aside from breathing issues, I felt horrendous mentally too. 

A friend recommended a doctor. I tried to book time with him after the PE was discovered in January. I did not push through with it because I thought I could still cope. By March I wasn't feeling good (brain fog is real) and I just felt unwell all the time. I called up the doctor's office and set an appointment. I also SOS'd to my long-time cardiologist for help since I wasn't getting better physically. 

Things started rolling by April. I saw the new doctor and recounted to him all that I've been through. I spoke with labored breathing. The doctor said what I feared most, I was going through depression. I guess I fit the checklist. I left his office thinking how I could get myself out of this hole. 

I saw my doctor again last week. It was our fourth session. He said my determination was noteworthy. He said I looked much better and was happy with my progress. He also admired the new quilted bag I made (haha). So I thought today I'd share what I did to slowly get out of the rut I got myself into.

Accept that you are in a rut - denial is an enemy. You just need to accept things to move forward. I had to accept that there were things I loved doing that were bad for me.

Understand why you're depressed - my issue probably stemmed from my medical issues. I also have PTSD which is common for PE patients.

Create an anchor on why you want to get out of it - I knew having a well mind would help me recover physically. I want to be well for my family. 

Target to be better at least 1% more than the day before - I stopped pressuring myself from recovering immediately. The pressure was digging me into a deeper hole. 

Get help - I was broken both mentally and physically that's why I SOS'd also to my cardiologist. I'm so grateful that my doctors are all committed to make me well. Also identify your support system. For me it's been my family and a couple of friends. I know who I can run to when I need someone to talk with. 

Do activities that will make you feel good - I slept and slept and slept. My body needed it to recover, but eventually I started to have more energy. I began doing more chores at home, started to quilt more, joined a writers retreat, re-started my garden and I started to exercise more. 

Get your endorphins working - I only exercised before when I went to see my physiotherapist. She left the country though and the gym and clinics were closed due to stricter measures. I had to push myself to take care of myself. I took it slowly and started with breathing exercises, then wall push-ups and lifting dumbbells. Now I follow the gentle exercises by Justin Agustin and we got an exercise bike. Whenever I feel down I just get on the bike and spin for 5 minutes. It immediately lifts my mood. 

Commit to get better - I used my anchor as my motivation. Whenever I feel down I do activities that will help my mood. 

I sleep better now and I feel I'm slowly getting my old happy self back. I think I'll graduate sooner than expected from my psych doctor. So grateful to my friend who referred him. 

CB///*Yr2/63  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/90 #StayHome #BeKind 

*PE

PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder  

 

Live Well

I've been on the "bench" for a couple of months now. Life has been very different. My calendar used to be full all the time, now I just have appointments with my doctors. I just take things one day at a time for now. 

I was chatting with a friend earlier. She's one of my friends who's thinking about resigning from work. I have other friends who recently resigned as well. They all have the same reason for leaving their job -- too much stress. 

My Dad wanted me to be an entrepreneur after graduation. I stubbornly resisted it. Eventually I tried to be an entrepreneur with my best friend. We got too engrossed with the creating part and ended up not selling anything haha. After that I got sucked in the corporate world. 

I followed the corporate path because that was what I was conditioned to do. At school everyone dreamed of getting a job at a top company. We even had a career counselling class where you had to plot your path. I don't remember anyone who wanted to become an entrepreneur. 

Everything is up in the air for me for now. My friend told me earlier just to "live well". And that's what I'm doing for now. What about you? Is your job stressing you a lot? Are you living well? 

CB//*Yr2/32  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/59 #StayHome #BeKind  

Listen to Your Body

I've been sleeping a lot since we got home from the hospital. I just felt exhausted. My doctor told me to rest more so that's what I've been doing. I asked my doctor yesterday how come I was able to power through the illnesses I had in the past. I've been doing what I've been told to do, but I'm not going back to normal. He explained to me that I've run out of gas. I've put the needs of others ahead of me and that's why my tank is empty.

My impatient old self was super freaked out about this dilemma, but I've come to accept that things need to change. That's my new reality and I have to be practical about how I deal with it. What about you? Do listen to what your body is telling you. Don't push too hard. Make sure you're heart is always happy. 

Listen to your body my friend.

CB///Yr2/4  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/31 #StayHome #BeKind 

Relax

We're always in a constant state of stress. I'm still on medical leave because I'm still facing a lot of physical stress (especially now that the haze is back again!). There's stress brought about work, family issues, the environment and what's happening in the world. It's exhausting. 

Relax, Papa God has your back. Just pray. 

CB///Yr2/2  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/29 #StayHome #BeKind