Managing Triggers

I haven't been sleeping well again the past few days. I'm scheduled for a test again tomorrow and I'm a bit anxious about it. My doctors have poked me so many times this year, but I never get used to it (and you shouldn't!). Aside from that I've had to deal with other things that set off my PTSD. 

The past year has been a test of patience and resilience. It's something a lot of pulmonary embolism survivors go through. In our patient group there's always someone who asks for help to deal with anxiety. This stems from the feat that you can clot again and you can die from it. I've had two clotting episodes and the second one has been really hard to recover from because the first one is still around! 

To recover from an illness you have to be strong mentally. I only started getting better when I got help. My doctor advised that you need to understand your triggers. You also need to be able to arrest the trigger and purposely pull yourself to another direction. It's not easy to do. I cried the other day because my doctor scolded me for asking too many questions. He apologized after a few minutes, but it already made me feel so bad. 

When the tears started to fall Sweetie asked what was wrong. I told him I got super stressed. In between hiccups I told him I needed milk tea haha. The tears immediately stopped. To be honest I had a hard time sleeping that night because of the incident. I felt better yesterday, but was once again triggered when a friend said I was fat. It took me hours to fall asleep again. I finally did when I thought about my dog Jolly. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection by Bo Sanchez was helpful of putting things in proper perspective. He said instead of battling "demons" think of the incident as God's way. You can think of the triggers as a way to deal with issues or as a way of learning. Now I will always ask myself, "What is God trying to teach me?". This will help me stay away from feeling bad and getting emotional. 

Please pray for me tomorrow as I undergo another test. May God bless the hands of the experts who will poke me again. 

CB///*Yr2/144 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/167 #NewG303 #Home61 #Xmas114 #StayHome #BeKind  

Defining Intentions

I've been trying to keep a good balance between online and offline time. There are days when I end up being unproductive because I have my eyes on my phone. It's unhealthy especially for your mental health. I fell into that trap again in the past few weeks. I had to intentionally break the cycle because there are other things I want to do. 

I have been reviewing the things I've learned from Dr. Joe Dispenza*. He is a neuroscientist, lecturer, researcher, educator etc. He's been sharing the science behind being able to heal yourself. He stumbled into it when he broke his spine from a bicycle accident. Kuya enrolled me in his online class to help me and Dr. Joe in a nutshell said that if your behaviors match your intentions then you will have a new emotional experience that would change your body and mind. You can change your future by defining a new intention. 

I followed this as part of my healing process when I had my first PE in 2018. I got better and I continued what I was doing. I realized I missed a huge piece of the puzzle -- getting rid of my addictions. That included being a workaholic, the inability to say no, taking in many challenges, being busy all the time etc. It is my software (mind/personality) problem which has severely affected my hardware (body). I mentioned yesterday why it was a huge struggle for me. I can say this now because I have already accepted that it's a problem and a past I have to move forward from. 

I have a lot of faith that I will be healed through prayer and good intentions. So today I declare that I will be healed and will be biking around my village in the next few months. I will be able to breath freely and the scars and veins (and loose screws) blocking good blood flow will be healed. I will be healed so I can do my next mission. 

*Dr. Joe - you can learn more about healing yourself by looking him up through YouTube, his books or website. It's a really interesting perspective and he's also explaining it scientifically.

Day 15 Minimalism challenge, Stay offline for a day. Haha, this is not possible! As I mentioned I have intentionally been budgeting my time now. I balance my day now by defining what I need to accomplish for the day. I do that first and just use the extra time I have for online stuff. I usually blog now after eating breakfast then I go offline to accomplish my to-do list. It's certainly made me more productive and gives me time to clean up my kalat at home. 

CB///*Yr2/126 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/149 #NewG320 #Home78 #StayHome #BeKind 

Date Day with Myself

I woke up bright and early yesterday for an errand. Sweetie suggested the night before that I should buy my coffee after the errand. I was shocked! I usually rush back home after I go to a doctor appointment and Sweetie told me not to take any unnecessary risks. I was giddy when he suggested I pick up some coffee after my errand. 

I finished my errand early. I hung around a bit and thought about whether I should still go buy some coffee. The mall was still closed. I checked Google Maps to see if there was anything open already. Toast Box was already open. I decided to go. 

I did the required check-in and skipped going to Toast Box since it was too early for my favorite teh tarik. The smell of freshly baked bread encouraged me to sit down on the egg seats across BreadTalk. I sat there for 20 minutes just breathing in the smell of freshly baked bread (it goes through the mask nicely!). At 9:59am I went upstairs to the coffee shop and was surprised to see some customers having breakfast. 

I originally planned to just get a pack of coffee and then go home. My favorite craft shop though was still closed so I decided to get a cup of cappuccino and play Pokemon. I settled on a seat far away from other customers and played Pokemon in-between pinging Sweetie and Miggy. Eventually I quieted down and realized it's the first time in a long, long time since I dated myself. 

I usually go out with Sweetie because I still experience get shortness of breath when walking long distances. I have mastered the art of stopping whenever I start feeling breathless. Yesterday I felt a little bold and went to Art Friend after I finished my coffee (Spotlight was still closed). I needed to buy some supplies. I was so happy walking up and down the aisles. There's just something about being in a craft shop that brings me so much joy. 

After Art Friend I took the lift back to the fifth floor and dropped by Spotlight. I went around to check out some fabric. I didn't get anything (the boys said it was a miracle!). I was just happy for the opportunity to visit my favorite shop. I was a bit tired by then though so I didn't stay long. I was already happy from the short date time with myself so I went home after visiting Spotlight. 

When was the last time you dated yourself?

Day 10 Gratitude Challenge, A Person in Your Family. I've always talked about how grateful I am for my immediate family. My Mom has a set of cousins who lived with us when I was growing up. Tita Olive took care of me (and all of my cousins and nephews and nieces, of course Miggy too). She's known as the family baby whisperer. If you look through our family photos she was always carrying a baby. Then there's Tita Alon. I don't remember if she lived with us, but she was always there at home. She always accompanied my Mom whenever she had to go to Bicol. Tita Chu in Sydney is my most adventurous Tita. I would always meet up with her whenever I visit Australia. She always tells me stories about our family (I missed out a lot because I'm the youngest). And there's Tita Pet who lives in Japan. I remember following her around when I was a child. I have a special bond with her, we always feel whenever the other is in trouble or sick. Each of my titas play a different role in my life. They're just always there for me and I always look forward being able to spend time with them. Did I mention that the four are sisters? :')

CB///*Yr2/97 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/124 #NewG349 #Home107 #StayHome #BeKind 

Minus One! Yay!

I went to see my respiratory doctor today for my regular check-up. He's the doctor who saved my life two years ago when he diligently looked for what was wrong. Several GP doctors told me that I had asthma caused by too much acid in my tummy. I insisted on seeing a specialist and they grudgingly gave me a referral.

The promise of a new day.

The good doctor feared for the worst. I went through a gazillion tests. They got 16 test tubes of blood at one point from me and I went through several scans. I always joke that I'm probably glowing already from all the scans I've been through. The diagnosis wasn't what he feared I had, it was PE. I was lucky that I got well just by drinking meds. It took awhile and a lot of scary moments. My other doctors told me I am truly blessed because I survived. It took a year before another doctor found out what caused the PE.

My breathing was significantly impaired and I had to drink a lot of meds in the last two years. That's why I'm super bloated. I always believed that eventually I can do without maintenance meds. Today my doctor officially reduced my meds. It's minus one inhaler for me! Yay! I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I brought it up with my doctor three months ago and he wasn't convinced. I nagged him though and he said if I was better in my next check-up he'd remove it. It took him awhile to decide when I saw him today and I'm happy he agreed to remove one of my meds. Yaaaas!

I worked hard for this day and I'm going to work harder to remove more of my maintenance meds. I progressed to where I am because of exercise, meditation & prayer, and telling my body to heal. I still have a lot of healing to do and I hope my next appointment with my cardio will result in getting another medication removed. Heehee.

Happy day!

CB//101 #StuckAtHomeDay/131 #WFH74 #StayHome #BeKind

Strong Mind, Loving Heart, Deep Faith

Today the government announced that they were raising the outbreak alert level to orange (news). It's scary, but I've remained calm since last week.

I realized last night that I could look at the illnesses I've been through as proof that I am actually strong. Ten years prior to my heart surgery I had two illnesses that had 10% fatality rate. Five years after surgery I had PE which has a mortality rate of 30%. Crazy right? At that time I was sick it never occurred to me that I could die from it. I always had it in my head that I would survive. I had the same thought when I had heart surgery.

Eleven days after getting discharged from the hospital after my second open heart surgery, I had lunch with my teammates who flew in from Zurich to check on me. I walked really, really show but the love they showed me reassured me that the were just all there for me.

That's what makes the difference my doctor said. Your willpower can pull you through. One of my high school classmates who's a doctor recommended me to read about Dr. Joe Dispenza. He's a neuroscientist who had an accident. He couldn't walk after the accident and explored the thought of healing himself through his mind.

Your mind is really powerful. I've been faced with my mortality a few times now, but I never thought I'd be defeated by those illnesses. I think for me what pulled me through was three things: (1) my mind, (2) love, and (3) faith. Don't get me wrong, I still follow everything my doctor tells me to do. The three things are what pulls me through.

Getting sick can be a huge pain and it causes depression. I've had my dark days too. When I took a break one of my doctors told me that he knew I was not going to the deep end. He told me that I knew how to sort things out to make things right. It took me a few weeks of rest, doing things I love and re-discovering myself, but I got myself out of the rut.

A strong mind. A loving heart. Deep faith. Just always think positively and you can get through anything in life.