What I'm Doing to Refill My Tank

My tank has finally started to fill up. I was running on fumes for more than a year. I really wondered how I could refill my tank. I learned that you should heed the signs when your tank is running low. The signs were there as early as 2018, but I just kept going. I'm a trooper after all, but it's really important to take care of yourself. 

Oh before I forget, today is my 9th mitral valve repair anniversary. My heart has been thumping nicely for 9 years already. My surgeon really did a great job and he says that everytime he peaks at the valve, haha. The valve is leaking a bit again, but they said no need to worry as long as I limit my activities. My doctors are amazed how I'm able to recover from all my health issues. 

Faith, hope and love. That's my secret. I have been praying for a miracle because my family needs me. I think I'm finally stable now and it's truly a miracle I have not visited a medical facility for two month now. Thank you Lord! I'm really happy about it because I'm able to do things for my family. 

If you're not careful, you can run on empty like me. Thought I'd share what I did the past year to refill my tank:

1. Pray for healing, truly, madly and deeply. I also prayed for help from Mama Mary, Padre Pio and St. Jude. 

2. Forgive yourself. I beat myself up for not being able to contribute to anything. It triggered my PTSD all the time. 

3. Accept that there are things you cannot change. Treat it as Papa God's way of pushing you to a new path. 

4. Take a break. Take as long as you need. It's okay not to function as you normally would.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you truly. 

6. Do things that make you happy. 

7. Learn to say no. No, no, no, no! Haha. I still get invitations to speak and people can get pushy! They don't understand that my voice runs out after a few minutes of talking. It's a mechanical issue. So i just keep saying no. Sorry guys. It is what it is.

8. Move on and discover new things about yourself. Since I had to stop doing what I loved to do, I moved on and discerned my new mission. Just family for now. 

9. Indulge yourself. I'm so far happy my weight has stayed stable since I got home, haha. I'm not pressuring myself to lose more. Just focusing on increasing daily movement for now. 

10. Get as many hugs as you can everyday. I squeeze my boys like crazy several times a day. 

#BeKind #StayHome

Doors

The 1SE app reminded me with a message this morning, "Life doesn't stop for anyone." An apt reminder because I've been amiss with adding daily content. I've been so busy the past two weeks, I haven't even started preparing for Christmas. 

Well, the 1SE app brought me to think about doors. I'm having our doorknobs replaced. We always get injured from lever door handles and my doctor told me to avoid any kind of injury (fragile ka ghorl?). So we're replacing it with classic door knobs. And life is just like that, it doesn't stop for anyone. You can take a break, but everyone around you will be moving. 

There's a saying, "When a door closes, a window opens." When I woke up this morning I realized that God opened a huge door for me. I had been stuck in the "I'm sick loop" for a year now and much as I try to move on, I've been immobile. This morning felt different though, it felt like the key to a new door was unlocked. It felt strange because I was also having an asthma attack when the revelation happened. 

I read that one cause of depression is the feeling of helplessness. It does not go well when you also have PTSD. Both pushes you to want to have control and a better sense of worth. I struggled with sleep for a long time. It was only when I came home that I felt things start to resolve. I have been able to fall asleep faster (most nights) and my Fitbit tells me that my deep sleep time has improved a lot. I need to have a lot of deep sleep to heal better. 

I know my body will never go back to what it was before. I've been praying for healing for my body, mind, heart and soul. It takes a lot of time and faith. I think having my family and friends in close proximity, breathing in Philippine air (even with bad AQI sometimes) and getting proper vitamin D from the sun, is what helped unlock the new door. 

Life doesn't stop for anyone, but you can always pause and take a break when you need it. Do things that will make you happy. It may not be a window that opens, but you can always change the doorknob too. 

I pray you are in good spirits today my friend. I also pray for those affected by the wrath of Typhoon Odette. 

#Home44 #NewG202 #Xmas8 #StayHome #BeKind  

How Tiny Habits Improved My Life

I chanced upon a helpful video on YouTube a few weeks ago. It's about developing 21 tiny habits to improve your life effortlessly (video here). I realized I started to do that in the past few months. I had severe shortness of breath the first half of the year. This was due to the blood clots in my lungs and additional complications. 

I was really keen to get better and started exercises to help my lungs. I started doing wall push-ups. I could only do three in the beginning. Every week I'd try to add two more reps. It took months, but I was eventually able to increase it to 30 reps with additional exercises. I do the exercise while I'm preparing my coffee. I tied it to another routine so I do not forget. My lungs improved and my back rarely hurts because of the daily exercise. 

A friend pinged me the other day and asked how I've been able to go back to blogging. In previous years I'd usually do a 30-day daily blogging challenge. Using the Blogger app helped since I'd usually post while I was on the train to work. I started blogging everyday again in 2020. It started as a 30-day challenge in January which I extended to the whole year. To remember that I have to blog I tied it to my coffee time routine. 

I never had an issue with completing tasks when I was working. I would efficient just go from one thing to another without missing a beat. When I got sick and got depressed things went really bad. I knew I had to get myself out of it when my physiotherapist asked me why I wasn't scheduling to see my doctor. She had me call up his office in front of her. She understood what I was going through and held my hand through it (super love her to bits!). After that day I worked on prioritizing important tasks. I'd usually do it after blogging. Mind you these were simple tasks like scheduling the aircon cleaner to come. It is hard to fight depression led procrastination, so developing tiny habits by following a routine helps. 

Starting tiny habits help a lot and I found it useful to tie them to a routine. I tied it mostly with my coffee time because it's something I rarely forget to do. It all starts though when I get up and prepare my oatmeal. My life completely changed in the past year. Everything I used to do had to change for me to live a healthier life so my body, heart and mind could recover. 

There are still a lot of new habits I'd like to develop, but I'm taking it slow for now. It was really a huge struggle to get out the hole I fell in, so I thought I'd share what tiny things I did to get out of it. 

Don't forget, it's day 2 of St. Jude's novena :)

CB////*Yr2/192 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/213 #NewG258 #Home14 #Xmas66 #StayHome #BeKind

Freedom from Depression

I never thought I'd fall into it because I had my ways of coping. I also have a strong support system. I'm not sure when it actually started. I knew I had some anxiety, but I was always able to suck things in and face issues. My parents taught me to be strong and not give in to weird thoughts. 

I should have taken care of myself better by taking more breaks, resting and saying no in a firmer way. Needless to say the armor broke down and my body went bonkers. It was in early March when I felt I needed help. I would feel super anxious whenever I had to attend a meeting. I did not sleep well days leading up to the meeting. Aside from breathing issues, I felt horrendous mentally too. 

A friend recommended a doctor. I tried to book time with him after the PE was discovered in January. I did not push through with it because I thought I could still cope. By March I wasn't feeling good (brain fog is real) and I just felt unwell all the time. I called up the doctor's office and set an appointment. I also SOS'd to my long-time cardiologist for help since I wasn't getting better physically. 

Things started rolling by April. I saw the new doctor and recounted to him all that I've been through. I spoke with labored breathing. The doctor said what I feared most, I was going through depression. I guess I fit the checklist. I left his office thinking how I could get myself out of this hole. 

I saw my doctor again last week. It was our fourth session. He said my determination was noteworthy. He said I looked much better and was happy with my progress. He also admired the new quilted bag I made (haha). So I thought today I'd share what I did to slowly get out of the rut I got myself into.

Accept that you are in a rut - denial is an enemy. You just need to accept things to move forward. I had to accept that there were things I loved doing that were bad for me.

Understand why you're depressed - my issue probably stemmed from my medical issues. I also have PTSD which is common for PE patients.

Create an anchor on why you want to get out of it - I knew having a well mind would help me recover physically. I want to be well for my family. 

Target to be better at least 1% more than the day before - I stopped pressuring myself from recovering immediately. The pressure was digging me into a deeper hole. 

Get help - I was broken both mentally and physically that's why I SOS'd also to my cardiologist. I'm so grateful that my doctors are all committed to make me well. Also identify your support system. For me it's been my family and a couple of friends. I know who I can run to when I need someone to talk with. 

Do activities that will make you feel good - I slept and slept and slept. My body needed it to recover, but eventually I started to have more energy. I began doing more chores at home, started to quilt more, joined a writers retreat, re-started my garden and I started to exercise more. 

Get your endorphins working - I only exercised before when I went to see my physiotherapist. She left the country though and the gym and clinics were closed due to stricter measures. I had to push myself to take care of myself. I took it slowly and started with breathing exercises, then wall push-ups and lifting dumbbells. Now I follow the gentle exercises by Justin Agustin and we got an exercise bike. Whenever I feel down I just get on the bike and spin for 5 minutes. It immediately lifts my mood. 

Commit to get better - I used my anchor as my motivation. Whenever I feel down I do activities that will help my mood. 

I sleep better now and I feel I'm slowly getting my old happy self back. I think I'll graduate sooner than expected from my psych doctor. So grateful to my friend who referred him. 

CB///*Yr2/63  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/90 #StayHome #BeKind 

*PE

PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder  

 

Strong Mind, Loving Heart, Deep Faith

Today the government announced that they were raising the outbreak alert level to orange (news). It's scary, but I've remained calm since last week.

I realized last night that I could look at the illnesses I've been through as proof that I am actually strong. Ten years prior to my heart surgery I had two illnesses that had 10% fatality rate. Five years after surgery I had PE which has a mortality rate of 30%. Crazy right? At that time I was sick it never occurred to me that I could die from it. I always had it in my head that I would survive. I had the same thought when I had heart surgery.

Eleven days after getting discharged from the hospital after my second open heart surgery, I had lunch with my teammates who flew in from Zurich to check on me. I walked really, really show but the love they showed me reassured me that the were just all there for me.

That's what makes the difference my doctor said. Your willpower can pull you through. One of my high school classmates who's a doctor recommended me to read about Dr. Joe Dispenza. He's a neuroscientist who had an accident. He couldn't walk after the accident and explored the thought of healing himself through his mind.

Your mind is really powerful. I've been faced with my mortality a few times now, but I never thought I'd be defeated by those illnesses. I think for me what pulled me through was three things: (1) my mind, (2) love, and (3) faith. Don't get me wrong, I still follow everything my doctor tells me to do. The three things are what pulls me through.

Getting sick can be a huge pain and it causes depression. I've had my dark days too. When I took a break one of my doctors told me that he knew I was not going to the deep end. He told me that I knew how to sort things out to make things right. It took me a few weeks of rest, doing things I love and re-discovering myself, but I got myself out of the rut.

A strong mind. A loving heart. Deep faith. Just always think positively and you can get through anything in life.