I started writing when I was 8. My mom got me a journal where I could rant (prob so I won't be an annoying brat). I stopped writing for 8 years until the pen and then later on the keyboard called on me again. I blog because I like writing and that's just about it. Hope you get inspired though... Bite the apple!
I've been feeling antsy all day and writing something about wellness didn't come easily to me. Went to my craft room and found the box of "Stress Less Cards" I bought in Bacolod. I found it in the toy shop across our hotel. I haven't really used it since we got home and thought I'd try to see if it could help make me less anxious.
Pulled out the deck and randomly picked one card. It said, "Breathe Power". This was the instruction -
"Close your eyes and breathe normally.. Whenever breathing in, imagine breathing in power and good feeling. You can imagine the power you're breathing in with a color or a light. Breathe this way for 5-10 minutes."
Kuya told me once that we sometimes forget to breathe. Like really breathe. My respiratory doctor had to correct the way I breathed after he discovered I had a huge clot in my lungs. He said I tended to mouth breathe and that's bad because you can easily inhale germs and viruses. It's also bad to mouth breathe when you're asleep because it means you're not getting enough air in. It took awhile, but Dr. Chan eventually got me to breathe properly.
My physiotherapist also had a hand in helping me breathe properly. Inhale 4 counts, hold 7 counts, exhale 4 counts. Dr. Joe Dispenza further leveled this up and said you should gather your inner power and breathe it out by imagining light that goes through your body to heal you. I sometimes imagine it as white light or gold light and think of it as God's healing love.
Yeah, so I digressed, but breathing made me feel stable and the anxiety soon went away.
We've been anxious the past few months because we've had to deal with a lot of house issues. The fire at the property behind our house made us more anxious. In the past year since we arrived back from abroad, there has been 3 fire incidents near our home (plus one more but it was a kilometer away).
The fire the other day was about 350 meters away from our home. We could see the signages of fastfood restos from our front door. Those signages were featured in a lot of photos from socmed and the fire looked like it was near our home.
Our neighbors though did not looked alarmed. The village security was in front of our home for a few minutes, but soon left. We thought the fire was already controlled after an hour, but we were surprised to see black smoke billowing again. We also heard from a livestream that the fire reached the creek. We know that the creek is behind the house in front of us. Kaba is real.
Since I was so frazelled, I checked Google Maps to understand the distance of the area from our home. After looking at the map, I switched to satellite view. I traced the area of the fire and the location of the fastfood restos we could see from our doorstep.
I called down after getting a better understanding of how far the area of the fire was. The fastfood restos were in fact farther from where we were and there was another subdivision between us and where the fire broke out. The firetrucks had already surrounded the compound from inside that subdivision effectively barring it from crossing over. We couldn't see the other houses and streets between us and the fastfood restos because they were lower. I always thought the main thoroughfare was just behind the house in front of us.
That incident was a good lesson on looking at things from another perspective. Between you and what you fear is probably a huge gap you don't see because you're looking intently at the fire. Also, sometimes what you fear may not be meant for you. When I understood the situation better I started to feel grateful and re-focused my energy in finding ways to help the victims of the fire.
I really do have PTSD and it's really a struggle to control it. The best way is for me to strengthen my coping mechanisms and draw the line when it's triggered. Just always pray and be grateful :)
Yesterday, my Mom had an unexpected visitor. It was one of her former drivers. We haven't heard from him in more than a decade now. Good thing a neighbor dropped by at the same time and was able to watch over Mom.
It's hard not to be suspicious of anyone at this point. I was advised not to trust anyone also so I'm quite paranoid. I know I'm probably annoying Mom a lot, but I just want to make sure she's safe. Someone popping up after a decade long absence made me question his intentions. Mom said he just passed by and happened to see her. Really?
It was a good reminder that we still need to be cautious. It triggered my anxiety though and by early evening I had to lie down. I pinged Kuya at 1 in the morning because the worry snowballed into other things. Good thing he was still awake and gave me some advise.
Retired this door lock after 52 years of service.
I realized that I could take comfort in the fact that Papa Jesus will always be there for me. It is only in Him that I could feel truly safe. Overthinking will just stress me out and make me sick. I fell asleep immediately after that thought.
My cousin posted this morning, "Don't stop being good because of bad people." Tomoh. What they did to us is not unforgivable, but it will take time to get it out of our system. I've SOS'd Kuya to help Mom get over it. If not, I'm afraid her room will be full of things she thinks may be taken. It's also hard for me because her assistant calls me in a panic whenever they can't find something my Mom misplaced.
In time those cruel people will face the consequences of what they've done. Si Papa God na bahala sa kanila. I'll just continue working on putting things back to order. Suspending non-fun tasks this weekend to do some quilting.
Finished watching Mayim Bialik's show where she guested Kunal Nayyar where they talked how Kunal became an actor and his mental health journey. I enjoyed watching them on Big Bang Theory so I got curious to see another side of them. Kunal Nayyar was born in England, grew up in India and studied acting in the US. He said he decided to become an actor after doing a play. His role "Raj" in the Big Bang Theory was his first show (so he got really lucky).
Kunal narrated how he was hit by anxiety. He was driving when it happened and he said he didn't know what he was feeling -- which is exactly what anxiety is, he explained. He got help and started his quest to address the issue. One of the things Kunal mentioned is to just let things happen. What helped him was having a safe space and person he could talk to. Instead of taking medication he decided to practice meditation. It took a long time, but he said one day he was finally able to quiet down the voices in his head.
"You cannot outthink thinking." - Kunal Nayyar
Mayim said she never noticed that Kunal was going through something when they were working together on Big Bang Theory. She said she admired how much Kunal had grown through the years. She even joked she'd be his first follower if he decided to create a cult or religious order. I get easily distracted, but for some strange reason I managed to focus on what Kunal was saying throughout the show.
I read that anxiety happens when you don't feel you have control. "Just let it happen" resonated well with me because sometimes when you allow what you fear to happen, you eventually realize it's not scary after all. I remember that time I realized I needed help was when my physiotherapist asked me how come I hadn't gone to my doctor since I was feeling unwell.
She stopped our session and had me call to make an appointment. I honestly didn't want to call, but I did. Went the next day and slowly got better. After that it took me three weeks before I mustered the courage to reach out to my friend's psychiatrist to get help. It's been almost a year since that day with my physiotherapist and I'm grateful she really took time to help me.
I thought I'd write about anxiety this Valentine's day because I know how it feels to be anxious during this day. I spent many years feeling incomplete during holidays. I have Sweetie and Miggy and they've been making sure I feel loved every day. I still have bouts of anxiety, but as Kunal mentioned make sure you have a safe space and a safe person who you can talk to, and do meditation to find peace. And pray because God loves you and He will always be there for you.
“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13).
I rested the whole day yesterday. The boys told me I was on stricter house arrest after I had a severe asthma attack the other night. What caused it was the bad air quality. I took in a lungful while I was admiring the sky. I realized that the dirty air here is different from Singapore. In Singapore I could easily tell when the air quality is bad. I'm probably used to it here so I can't tell the difference. Anyway, I slept most of the day and feel better now.
I'll still take it easy today so my body can recover fully. I think I'll work on the vinta throw pillow quilt. It was inspired by a photo of VP Leni when she visited Zamboanga recently. I was so stressed out last week with the news, I thought it would be better to channel my frustration to something else. The photo served as an inspiration. I set aside the tshirt quilt project to work on this first (yet again haha).
Here's the design of the throw pillow quilt I'm working on -
Getting stressed over something I can't control was really bad for me. I got sick and this is what my doctors told me to avoid. Stress causes your immune system to be compromised and the blood test I got proved I had an infection. The first thing I had to do was de-stress. I got over it by channeling my frustration to something good. The photo of VP Leni with the vintas in the background inspired me to be creative. I think that's a good way to cope with stress.
Seeing posts related to the elections is unavoidable. Much as I'd like to participate more, my body just can't cope with the stress. I'll just pray hard for a good and honest elections. I'm also praying for those still in the dark side to finally see the light. I'll let my able-bodied friends do the campaigning. And thanks to my friend Chelle who sent me some tarps!
She also sent me this super cute milk tea earrings. You can get it from her Shopee shop at https://shopee.ph/chellebrate. I love the earrings and have been wearing it at home haha.
Anxiety plagues everyone one way or another. I thought I was good at managing it, but I eventually succumbed to it and got depressed. It's common for pulmonary embolism patients to have anxiety and PTSD. I see a lot of patients cry for help in our groups. It's really helpful to be with people who understand what you're going through. They can give advise and tips on what you can do to alleviate your issue.
I've had to learn to identify if the symptoms I was experiencing was real or anxiety. Good thing my respiratory doctor was very patient with me. I saw him every week in the beginning of my illness. I eventually learned to differentiate and establish coping mechanisms. One nurse told me I've become a "professional patient" because I already know when to go to the hospital. LOL.
One of the patients in the group termed it beautifully - break state. She was sharing how she's been able to get back her life after all the challenges. Break state. Look up. Change perspective. Knowing when you are falling in the black hole is important. When you feel you are that's when you should move.
It happens to me usually before I sleep. When my thoughts start going south I change my position. It breaks my thoughts because I have to shift my pillows around. I fall asleep faster now and I'm glad I've been able to keep my worries at bay. Instead of thinking about dark thoughts I've replaced it with longer praying time (expanded my allies to more saints and angels hehe).
Coping with anxiety is hard. Getting sucked in by not-so good thoughts and worries can maim you from living your life. It's important to have a support group, but it's also key to learn how to cope by yourself. Break it by looking up, changing position or posture, doing something else and praying. Remove yourself from those paralyzing thoughts. I've been blogging everyday for almost two years now. It's helps me put things in proper perspective and I hope I'm able to help others also as I share my experience.
Hope you are doing well my friend. Ping me if you need someone to talk with ;)
In early July I finally went for a routine OB check-up. I haven't gone to one for years. I decided to go because breast cancer runs in my family. I wanted peace of mind. I was promptly scolded by my new OB when I told her I hadn't gone for a check-up for many years. She did the usual tests and said I was cleared. The nurse though told me that the doctor ordered for me to do a mammogram and ultrasound.
I wasn't keen to do it tbh because I've done so many tests already. Grudgingly went to complete it and didn't think about it anymore. A few days later, on a Sunday, the nurse called me. She asked me to come in the next day for an important discussion with my doctor. She said they found something in the tests.
There was a mass on my left breast. They wanted to make sure it wasn't cancer. I was immediately sent to a general surgeon. She explained the importance of doing a biopsy, but recommended I do it at another hospital. She said they could care for me better because they had complete doctors 24/7.
Post biopsy photo lol.
Because of the situation it took a couple of weeks before I was able to meet the breast surgeon I was referred to. She took a look at my scans and reassured me that they didn't scream cancer. I had my first biopsy a week later. Waited an excruciating week for the result and was told it was benign and just fibroids. But... I was required to do another biopsy for the lymph nodes they found.
The initial second biopsy schedule was botched (story here) and it was re-scheduled six days later. Ended up spending 13 hours at the hospital since the high risk team had to do the biopsy. The doctor told me he had a hard time chasing the lymph node (story here). Waited another excruciating week for the result. They only got very few samples, but it was clearly not malignant.** Whew!
What started as an innocent routine check-up ended up in a wild goose chase. I'm glad though I had this cleared up. I've done a lot of tests this year and have learned the following:
1. Whatever you end up reading in Google about possible illnesses, just take it as information. Do not diagnose yourself and match the symptoms with what you feel. The more you think about it, the more it will happen.
2. Going through procedures could be scary. It's useful to know ahead of time what you're going through by watching informational videos made by hospitals. I sometimes also watch patient testimonies.
3. Stop those scary thoughts by praying. Don't even entertain the worst. Waiting for results can really make you anxious. Look up and think of something else. Keep yourself busy with a hobby or work.
4. Establish a proper support group. I'm so lucky I have Sweetie, Miggy and a couple of friends who saw me through this. I'm also part of patient groups in FB and some of them have gone through the same issues.
5. You will go through a lot of issues in your life. Just face it bravely and don't run away from it. Remember God always has your back and He'll only give you what you can bear.
Well, throughout this ordeal I managed to produce 4 lovely pinwheel quilts. I made these as a farewell gift for some friends. Quilting is really sew-thing (soothing) haha. Watch how I made it and subscribe to my channel (Please?).
Have a great week everyone!
*For those getting a biopsy, it does not hurt at all. I had more arm pain after I got vaccinated (story here).
** I do have to get something checked, but it should be easy peasy.
How do you want to be remembered when your time comes?
I woke up to the news of the passing of former Secretary Dinky Soliman. She was the DSWD secretary during PNoy's administration. I never had the chance to meet her in person, but I always admired her. She was a strong, formidable woman who always championed those in need. And she will always be remembered for being that kind of person. Rest in peace Ma'am Dinky.
I have thought about the question several times in the past few months. I guess it's natural to think about it when you go through medical issues. I realized there was a huge gap in what I want to be. I've only been able to fulfill a part of my mission, but I have neglected a big part of who I am. To me getting sick was a blessing in disguise. It led me back to where I should be.
Make each day count. Let go of things that bring negativity. Be happy. Be helpful. Be kind.
The past couple of months I've been watching family vlogs. Most of them used to have corporate jobs. They quit and followed their dream. They traveled a lot and eventually settled in the province to live a simpler life. They spend their time at home with their kid/s.
I've always led a very busy life. I struggled a lot when I was forced to slow down. It took me four months before I calmed down. I tell my friends who are taking a break to do a long one. It really takes time to reach the right headspace to think about what you want in life.
A lot of crazy things have been happening back home. I chanced upon a word-war between a government official and the husband of an actress. It started when the government official insulted the actress. Naturally the husband reacted and challenged the official to a fist fight.
This is happening among other more important issues back home. I read and watch the news everyday to keep tabs on current issues. I also go through updates about our city. It's been important for me to do this for my family back home.
I rarely comment about issues because I have to manage my stress levels. If my Dad was still alive he'd probably be sending opinion letters to newspapers frequently. Sadly though a lot of what's happening back home could be avoided if people were just plainly decent and kind. Love your neighbor is the golden rule.
It's hard enough that we're all going the pandemic. We're all going through some form of pain. Hurt people, hurt other people. Let's just calm down a bit so we can think more clearly. I know things are going to get worse because the elections are coming up.
In the meantime, if you are too busy to meditate or have quiet time, one thing that helps me everyday are wall push-ups. I pair it with deep breathing exercises. It helps strengthen my lungs, firm up my glutes, relieve back pain and it calms me down. I do 15 at a time with my eyes closed. I do this while waiting for my coffee to drip. Try it :D
When my Kuya gave me advise on how to manage my money better I realized I wasn't enjoying my hard earned money. Whenever making a purchase I would debate with myself if it was a need. It prevented me from growing and being happy.
I was that way because I was fearful about saddling my family with medical expenses. I was leading my life in fear and that was wrong. It showed I had very little faith. It also showed that I wasn't truly living. I just followed a routine and it was a huge disservice to my family. We could've made more happy memories.
Managing your money better helped in my healing journey. Changing how I budgeted helped me grow and be happier. I find reasons to celebrate and reward this with good food. My quilting skills have improved because I invested in learning new things. I worried less because I worked on my investments. I've been able to focus on recovering. Here's the breakdown my Kuya gave me -
I'm now transitioning to a new phase in my life. With faith and a lot of prayer I hope I've made the right decisions to be financially free. It's also a good thing that I stuck to the same spending habits I had when I had before moving to SG. I missed out on a lot of experiences, but at least I won't have a hard time adjusting again to life back home.
One of the causes of anxiety is a perception that you do not have control over something. The best way to get a hold of feeling anxious is to manage how you perceive things. Kuya told me to look up when you're starting to feel anxious. It works because when you look up what you see immediately changes. That prevents you from falling into the ugly black hole.
Dr. Joe Dispenza, on the other hand, says that we keep going back to these negative feelings because it becomes an addiction. An example is when you keep going back to a toxic relationship even though you already know it's bad for you. Or when you keep accepting too much work, but you still feel good even if it's affecting your health. That's why Dr. Joe wrote the book, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself".
I know I've fallen in the trap so many times throughout my life. I think the hardest thing to learn is letting go. Getting your grip off something you're so used to doing is hard. Trying to solve a mystery that doesn't have an answer can make you go gaga. There are things in life that you cannot control and best left as a mystery.
I actually said that to the doctor the other day when he was briefing me before the procedure. He asked me what caused my PEs. I told him I got poked some many times already by different doctors. They couldn't explain clearly the cause of my clots. I don't worry about it now because I think mysteries can be disguised as miracles.
Back in 2008 to 2009, the results of my blood test showed that the the tumor marker CA125 reached 5x normal level. It was so bad the medtech at Makati Med said she was so sorry for the results. My doctor did more tests, but did not find anything. After a visit to Kamay ni Hesus, the tumor marker went down to normal in a span of six months. My doctor couldn't explain why and said that he wished all his patients were like me. To me it was a miracle.
So don't stress, the mysteries or the things in your life you cannot be control may be a miracle in disguise. Just leave it up to God to solve <3
I haven't been sleeping well again the past few days. I'm scheduled for a test again tomorrow and I'm a bit anxious about it. My doctors have poked me so many times this year, but I never get used to it (and you shouldn't!). Aside from that I've had to deal with other things that set off my PTSD.
The past year has been a test of patience and resilience. It's something a lot of pulmonary embolism survivors go through. In our patient group there's always someone who asks for help to deal with anxiety. This stems from the feat that you can clot again and you can die from it. I've had two clotting episodes and the second one has been really hard to recover from because the first one is still around!
To recover from an illness you have to be strong mentally. I only started getting better when I got help. My doctor advised that you need to understand your triggers. You also need to be able to arrest the trigger and purposely pull yourself to another direction. It's not easy to do. I cried the other day because my doctor scolded me for asking too many questions. He apologized after a few minutes, but it already made me feel so bad.
When the tears started to fall Sweetie asked what was wrong. I told him I got super stressed. In between hiccups I told him I needed milk tea haha. The tears immediately stopped. To be honest I had a hard time sleeping that night because of the incident. I felt better yesterday, but was once again triggered when a friend said I was fat. It took me hours to fall asleep again. I finally did when I thought about my dog Jolly.
Yesterday's Didache reflection by Bo Sanchez was helpful of putting things in proper perspective. He said instead of battling "demons" think of the incident as God's way. You can think of the triggers as a way to deal with issues or as a way of learning. Now I will always ask myself, "What is God trying to teach me?". This will help me stay away from feeling bad and getting emotional.
Please pray for me tomorrow as I undergo another test. May God bless the hands of the experts who will poke me again.
Hello my friend, how are you today? Are you happy? Sad? Tired? Restless? Anxious? Bleh?
It was a sunny day today and I just quietly worked on my new quilt project all afternoon. I didn't nag Miggy and Sweetie as much because I watched three episodes of The Good Doctor while ironing half-squares. The episodes I watched were the ones where Dr. Glassman was forcing Dr. Shaun to see a therapist. Shaun didn't want to and did things to avoid seeing the therapist.
And that's why I asked how are you today? This pandemic has been so hard for all of us. I've been able to cope mainly because of my family and close friends. I still feel antsy every so often about being stuck at home and the lack of social activities. The first few months when we had to stay home was the hardest. I'm grateful that we were able to move homes because our old place had a lot of plumbing issues.
I was getting some counselling last year. We were trying to work out the extreme stress I was going through. The break I took helped and eventually my counselor said he had resigned. I was okay by then and replaced him with gardening and baking. I managed until I had another PE* and I was able to cope, but there were things that would trigger symptoms and anxiety.
It was then I realized that I needed help because I might have PTSD (which is common among PE survivors). I asked help from a friend and he referred me to his doctor. I'm glad I went to see his doctor because it also helped with my recovery. The doctor also understood very well that I've been through a lot and knew what to do.
Our sessions have been pretty straightforward. I report the status of my medical condition and share what I've been doing for my recovery. It's not like what they show on TV where you lie down on a couch and talk about your issues, LOL. I've just had a handful of sessions and I'm happy to share that the strong, fighter me is back. And that was my main purpose of getting help to deal with PTSD. The triggers still exist, but I'm able to deal with it much better. I'll probably graduate from seeing him soon.
Back to Dr. Shaun Murphy, I kinda get why he's resisting to see a therapist. He probably thinks and feels he can cope with things. That's how I felt too, but after losing sleep for 48 hours a couple of times I knew I needed help (and that's what other patients would advise too). It was one of the best decisions I made for myself because the issues I was having eased up a bit. I know there will be more challenges and I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least I'm able to cope better now (and I'm no longer a dead weight at home!).
So, how are you my friend? I'm just a ping away if you need someone to talk with :)
Day 26 Gratitude, Something in nature. The breeze. I super love it when a gentle breeze blows through. That's what I always imagine when I'm lulling myself to sleep. The breeze reminds me of afternoons I used to spend in my Mom's garden. She'd usually place a banig (mat) on the lawn and that's where I'd play or work on my crafts. We usually get a nice breeze in the afternoons on her lawn.
I never thought I'd fall into it because I had my ways of coping. I also have a strong support system. I'm not sure when it actually started. I knew I had some anxiety, but I was always able to suck things in and face issues. My parents taught me to be strong and not give in to weird thoughts.
I should have taken care of myself better by taking more breaks, resting and saying no in a firmer way. Needless to say the armor broke down and my body went bonkers. It was in early March when I felt I needed help. I would feel super anxious whenever I had to attend a meeting. I did not sleep well days leading up to the meeting. Aside from breathing issues, I felt horrendous mentally too.
A friend recommended a doctor. I tried to book time with him after the PE was discovered in January. I did not push through with it because I thought I could still cope. By March I wasn't feeling good (brain fog is real) and I just felt unwell all the time. I called up the doctor's office and set an appointment. I also SOS'd to my long-time cardiologist for help since I wasn't getting better physically.
Things started rolling by April. I saw the new doctor and recounted to him all that I've been through. I spoke with labored breathing. The doctor said what I feared most, I was going through depression. I guess I fit the checklist. I left his office thinking how I could get myself out of this hole.
I saw my doctor again last week. It was our fourth session. He said my determination was noteworthy. He said I looked much better and was happy with my progress. He also admired the new quilted bag I made (haha). So I thought today I'd share what I did to slowly get out of the rut I got myself into.
Accept that you are in a rut - denial is an enemy. You just need to accept things to move forward. I had to accept that there were things I loved doing that were bad for me.
Understand why you're depressed - my issue probably stemmed from my medical issues. I also have PTSD which is common for PE patients.
Create an anchor on why you want to get out of it - I knew having a well mind would help me recover physically. I want to be well for my family.
Target to be better at least 1% more than the day before - I stopped pressuring myself from recovering immediately. The pressure was digging me into a deeper hole.
Get help - I was broken both mentally and physically that's why I SOS'd also to my cardiologist. I'm so grateful that my doctors are all committed to make me well. Also identify your support system. For me it's been my family and a couple of friends. I know who I can run to when I need someone to talk with.
Do activities that will make you feel good - I slept and slept and slept. My body needed it to recover, but eventually I started to have more energy. I began doing more chores at home, started to quilt more, joined a writers retreat, re-started my garden and I started to exercise more.
Get your endorphins working - I only exercised before when I went to see my physiotherapist. She left the country though and the gym and clinics were closed due to stricter measures. I had to push myself to take care of myself. I took it slowly and started with breathing exercises, then wall push-ups and lifting dumbbells. Now I follow the gentle exercises by Justin Agustin and we got an exercise bike. Whenever I feel down I just get on the bike and spin for 5 minutes. It immediately lifts my mood.
Commit to get better - I used my anchor as my motivation. Whenever I feel down I do activities that will help my mood.
I sleep better now and I feel I'm slowly getting my old happy self back. I think I'll graduate sooner than expected from my psych doctor. So grateful to my friend who referred him.
We're always in a constant state of stress. I'm still on medical leave because I'm still facing a lot of physical stress (especially now that the haze is back again!). There's stress brought about work, family issues, the environment and what's happening in the world. It's exhausting.
