Wellness Wednesdays: Live Grateful

I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and depression last year after my second PE*. A friend suggested to me to see a proper doctor since I used up the consultations benefit. I knew also from the experience of other PE patients that it's important to get help. PE is truly a different kind of monster. 

I breezed through 2 OHS' and I was still able to cope after my first PE. The second one though really did a number on me. I emailed the doctor as my friends suggested, but I waited another six weeks before I followed-up. I only followed up because I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't motivated to do anything.

First vs. Last day at my psych doctor's office.
My energy (and skin care) definitely improved.

And the doctor helped. We did have some issues with meds in the beginning. I kept bleeding because it was interacting with my other meds. He eventually gave me something that worked. Within a month I progressed a lot. My breathing improved and my stamina improved also. Our sessions helped me re-establish my coping mechanims and it got me sewing again. 

My doctor was concerned about moving back home. He said it was going to be stressful. I was confident when I told him that I felt I'd be fine. I was okay and even weaned myself away from the meds early (he gave me instructions on how to do it). I knew it would not be good to be dependent on meds. I had to re-learn to be resilient. 

The past 10 months since I stopped taking the meds has been very challenging. I still have 2 banigs of the medication which I can take in case of emergency. I have not taken it even though I had been going through a difficult time since September. 

A friend posted a quote on his FB stream about "living gratefully". I remember the lesson Chade Meng Tan taught us about being grateful and being grateful for others. He said the effect of being grateful is multiplied so much more if you are grateful for others. That's what broke the dark cloud that was on my head. 

 This is my emergency pill.

I realized that I should celebrate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't have. That's the reason why I made this post last week and why I think my posts now sound more happy than morose. Live grateful and you're heart will overflow with happiness. 

If you're feeling downtrodden or sad or stuck in a rut, it's always helpful to start a gratitude journal. You can start with one to three per day. Start with simple things like appreciating the beautiful blue sky when you wake up. Believe me your list will soon grow long and you're perspective will change. For extra oomph, try being grateful for others. It will rocketship you to the stars. 

*PE - pulmonary embolism

**OHS  - open heart surgery

Just Let It Happen

Finished watching Mayim Bialik's show where she guested Kunal Nayyar where they talked how Kunal became an actor and his mental health journey. I enjoyed watching them on Big Bang Theory so I got curious to see another side of them. Kunal Nayyar was born in England, grew up in India and studied acting in the US. He said he decided to become an actor after doing a play. His role "Raj" in the Big Bang Theory was his first show (so he got really lucky). 

Kunal narrated how he was hit by anxiety. He was driving when it happened and he said he didn't know what he was feeling -- which is exactly what anxiety is, he explained. He got help and started his quest to address the issue. One of the things Kunal mentioned is to just let things happen. What helped him was having a safe space and person he could talk to. Instead of taking medication he decided to practice meditation. It took a long time, but he said one day he was finally able to quiet down the voices in his head.

"You cannot outthink thinking." - Kunal Nayyar

Mayim said she never noticed that Kunal was going through something when they were working together on Big Bang Theory. She said she admired how much Kunal had grown through the years. She even joked she'd be his first follower if he decided to create a cult or religious order. I get easily distracted, but for some strange reason I managed to focus on what Kunal was saying throughout the show. 

I read that anxiety happens when you don't feel you have control. "Just let it happen" resonated well with me because sometimes when you allow what you fear to happen, you eventually realize it's not scary after all. I remember that time I realized I needed help was when my physiotherapist asked me how come I hadn't gone to my doctor since I was feeling unwell. 

She stopped our session and had me call to make an appointment. I honestly didn't want to call, but I did. Went the next day and slowly got better. After that it took me three weeks before I mustered the courage to reach out to my friend's psychiatrist to get help. It's been almost a year since that day with my physiotherapist and I'm grateful she really took time to help me. 

I thought I'd write about anxiety this Valentine's day because I know how it feels to be anxious during this day. I spent many years feeling incomplete during holidays. I have Sweetie and Miggy and they've been making sure I feel loved every day. I still have bouts of anxiety, but as Kunal mentioned make sure you have a safe space and a safe person who you can talk to, and do meditation to find peace. And pray because God loves you and He will always be there for you. 

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

#BeKind #StayHome #VoteWisely

Break State

Anxiety plagues everyone one way or another. I thought I was good at managing it, but I eventually succumbed to it and got depressed. It's common for pulmonary embolism patients to have anxiety and PTSD. I see a lot of patients cry for help in our groups. It's really helpful to be with people who understand what you're going through. They can give advise and tips on what you can do to alleviate your issue. 

I've had to learn to identify if the symptoms I was experiencing was real or anxiety. Good thing my respiratory doctor was very patient with me. I saw him every week in the beginning of my illness. I eventually learned to differentiate and establish coping mechanisms. One nurse told me I've become a "professional patient" because I already know when to go to the hospital. LOL.

One of the patients in the group termed it beautifully - break state. She was sharing how she's been able to get back her life after all the challenges. Break state. Look up. Change perspective. Knowing when you are falling in the black hole is important. When you feel you are that's when you should move. 

It happens to me usually before I sleep. When my thoughts start going south I change my position. It breaks my thoughts because I have to shift my pillows around. I fall asleep faster now and I'm glad I've been able to keep my worries at bay. Instead of thinking about dark thoughts I've replaced it with longer praying time (expanded my allies to more saints and angels hehe). 

Coping with anxiety is hard. Getting sucked in by not-so good thoughts and worries can maim you from living your life. It's important to have a support group, but it's also key to learn how to cope by yourself. Break it by looking up, changing position or posture, doing something else and praying. Remove yourself from those paralyzing thoughts. I've been blogging everyday for almost two years now. It's helps me put things in proper perspective and I hope I'm able to help others also as I share my experience. 

Hope you are doing well my friend. Ping me if you need someone to talk with ;)

CB///*Yr2/164 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/187 #NewG283 #Home42 #Xmas94 #StayHome #BeKind  

Managing Triggers

I haven't been sleeping well again the past few days. I'm scheduled for a test again tomorrow and I'm a bit anxious about it. My doctors have poked me so many times this year, but I never get used to it (and you shouldn't!). Aside from that I've had to deal with other things that set off my PTSD. 

The past year has been a test of patience and resilience. It's something a lot of pulmonary embolism survivors go through. In our patient group there's always someone who asks for help to deal with anxiety. This stems from the feat that you can clot again and you can die from it. I've had two clotting episodes and the second one has been really hard to recover from because the first one is still around! 

To recover from an illness you have to be strong mentally. I only started getting better when I got help. My doctor advised that you need to understand your triggers. You also need to be able to arrest the trigger and purposely pull yourself to another direction. It's not easy to do. I cried the other day because my doctor scolded me for asking too many questions. He apologized after a few minutes, but it already made me feel so bad. 

When the tears started to fall Sweetie asked what was wrong. I told him I got super stressed. In between hiccups I told him I needed milk tea haha. The tears immediately stopped. To be honest I had a hard time sleeping that night because of the incident. I felt better yesterday, but was once again triggered when a friend said I was fat. It took me hours to fall asleep again. I finally did when I thought about my dog Jolly. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection by Bo Sanchez was helpful of putting things in proper perspective. He said instead of battling "demons" think of the incident as God's way. You can think of the triggers as a way to deal with issues or as a way of learning. Now I will always ask myself, "What is God trying to teach me?". This will help me stay away from feeling bad and getting emotional. 

Please pray for me tomorrow as I undergo another test. May God bless the hands of the experts who will poke me again. 

CB///*Yr2/144 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/167 #NewG303 #Home61 #Xmas114 #StayHome #BeKind  

How are You?

Hello my friend, how are you today? Are you happy? Sad? Tired? Restless? Anxious? Bleh? 

It was a sunny day today and I just quietly worked on my new quilt project all afternoon. I didn't nag Miggy and Sweetie as much because I watched three episodes of The Good Doctor while ironing half-squares. The episodes I watched were the ones where Dr. Glassman was forcing Dr. Shaun to see a therapist. Shaun didn't want to and did things to avoid seeing the therapist. 

And that's why I asked how are you today? This pandemic has been so hard for all of us. I've been able to cope mainly because of my family and close friends. I still feel antsy every so often about being stuck at home and the lack of social activities. The first few months when we had to stay home was the hardest. I'm grateful that we were able to move homes because our old place had a lot of plumbing issues. 

I was getting some counselling last year. We were trying to work out the extreme stress I was going through. The break I took helped and eventually my counselor said he had resigned. I was okay by then and replaced him with gardening and baking. I managed until I had another PE* and I was able to cope, but there were things that would trigger symptoms and anxiety. 

It was then I realized that I needed help because I might have PTSD (which is common among PE survivors). I asked help from a friend and he referred me to his doctor. I'm glad I went to see his doctor because it also helped with my recovery. The doctor also understood very well that I've been through a lot and knew what to do. 

Our sessions have been pretty straightforward. I report the status of my medical condition and share what I've been doing for my recovery. It's not like what they show on TV where you lie down on a couch and talk about your issues, LOL. I've just had a handful of sessions and I'm happy to share that the strong, fighter me is back. And that was my main purpose of getting help to deal with PTSD. The triggers still exist, but I'm able to deal with it much better. I'll probably graduate from seeing him soon. 

Back to Dr. Shaun Murphy, I kinda get why he's resisting to see a therapist. He probably thinks and feels he can cope with things. That's how I felt too, but after losing sleep for 48 hours a couple of times I knew I needed help (and that's what other patients would advise too). It was one of the best decisions I made for myself because the issues I was having eased up a bit. I know there will be more challenges and I'm not out of the woods yet, but at least I'm able to cope better now (and I'm no longer a dead weight at home!).

So, how are you my friend? I'm just a ping away if you need someone to talk with :)

Day 26 Gratitude, Something in nature. The breeze. I super love it when a gentle breeze blows through. That's what I always imagine when I'm lulling myself to sleep. The breeze reminds me of afternoons I used to spend in my Mom's garden. She'd usually place a banig (mat) on the lawn and that's where I'd play or work on my crafts. We usually get a nice breeze in the afternoons on her lawn. 

CB///*Yr2/109 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/132 #NewG337 #Home95 #StayHome #BeKind 

*PE - pulmonary embolism; PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder