My 5th Clotiversary

Commemorated my 5th clotiversary the other day. Sweetie asked me, "What is a clotiversary and why are you celebrating it?" I explained to him that clotiversary is the anniversary date when your blood clot was discovered. Why is it important? It's important because it's the date you survived an illness that has up to 30% mortality rate. 

Patients who have had pulmonary embolism normally commemorate the date because we are grateful to be alive. Many do not and find out when it's too late. I had a huge clot in my left lung. It was misdiagnosed for a year that's why it grew so big. I had to fight to get a second opinion. A GP scoffed at me and said that I was just going to get the same diagnosis, asthma. I wouldn't be here today if I did not insist on getting a second opinion. 

Twenty eight months later I had a second PE. It was caught early, but it affected my right lung. By that time the clot on my left lung hadn't dissolved yet. My doctor couldn't give me a higher dosage of meds because I kept bleeding. I had a harder time recovering from the second one. In fact, I never did and we went for stability. That's why my doctors in Singapore advised me to retire. 

Since I've just been coasting along and my tests and scans aren't any better than those I had in Singapore, my doctor recommended me to do pulmonary rehab. We hope to strengthen parts of my lungs that are still healthy. I am still lucky that I don't need supplemental oxygen. I can get by as long as the air quality is good. I have an oxygen concentrator which I use when my oxygen saturation goes very low. 

Finally started my first pulmo rehab today. It took awhile to schedule. The center wanted me to do a pulmonary function test first. My doctor made it optional. I didn't get to do it because I couldn't last the night without my regular maintenance meds. I had asthma and had to take meds, so had to cancel the PFT. My doctor anyway said I didn't really need to do it since my last PFT shows my lungs do need rehab. 

First day exercises were actually very light. Just breathing exercises with some stretching. I was super tired though after the session and had to lie down the rest of the day, haha. I had grand plans to make homemade pancakes. Of course, that didn't happen, so many will attempt again later this week. My goal is to have more energy and stamina. I told the physiotherapist that I eventually want to be able to ride a bike again (originally wanted to run a marathon post OHS, haha). 

Let's work it, work it and pray. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: My Wellness Goals for 2023

My recovery has been long and very slow. I have honestly been very fragile. The key to staying well is listening to my body and keeping my well-being stable. My main kryptonite is bad air quality and when my PTSD is triggered. Those are two things that I have to avoid so I stay stable. 

I reached my wellness goal last year which was not to be hospitalized. I didn't! And my doctor told me to avoid hospitals because it's a huge risk for me to pick up COVID-19. Not getting hospitalized is part of my 2023 goal, but my main goal this year is to recover and gain more stamina. I want to be able to do the things I used to do for my boys and create more happy memories with them. 

Here's my plan to reach my goal:

1. Pray
2. Be grateful and be grateful for others
3. Eat well and eat more nutritious food
4. Lose more weight
5. Complete daily exercises and increase exercise capacity (and try to go out more)
6. Follow doctors orders and do the tests
7. Drink meds on time
8. Re-start meditation
9. Solidify coping mechanims
10. Less social media 

I'm still keeping my circle small for now, but I hope to spend some time to see my friends. I was only able to meet up with friends once last year and after that I couldn't plan anything because of my stability. And that is why my goal this year is to be stable and gain more stamina. :)

What are your wellness goals for the year?

#BeKind #StaySafe

Learning Acceptance and Being Content

I was planning to write about alternate realities today, but thought I'd go the more positive route. Yup, I was about to do a rant post about people who seem to be living an alternate reality -- one where they are above the law. I learned though that it's unhealthy for me to worry about things I cannot control. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection gave me a lot of food for thought. It asked, "Lord, what do You want me to learn today?" I was unwell for a few weeks and I realized I hit a slump again. I don't feel good when I'm not productive. Sweetie keeps reminding me to focus on one thing for now - rest so I can get well. Followed his advise, slept all day on Friday and I was feeling better yesterday. 

I read the Didache reflection just before I went to sleep last night. I realized that I've been waiting for a grand mission from Him. It's clear to me that He wants me to focus on my family first, but I've been asking Him, "Is there anything else I need to do?" Typical me, pushing myself hard, haha. 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

This prayer is credited to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr and adopted by the Alcoholics Anonymous organization. Perhaps it's useful for me also since I'm addicted to being productive. I need to find the courage to accept that I have physical limitations and I can't do the same activities I used to do. I also need to forgive myself for letting people down. 

I am grateful I've been able to retire and get the rest I need. My heart hurts for other people like me who are forced to work immediately following a pulmonary embolism. There are many and I read about their pain in our patient group. It's really hard especially when you don't have the proper support you need. 

Accept. Be content. Be thankful. 

“The Lord says, ‘I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.’” (Psalm 32:8, NLT)

#BeKind #StayHome

Invisible Illnesses + Overwhelming Processes Going Home

A year ago I would not have panicked over all the preparations going back home. I have been able to keep my cool until today. I got word from our hotel that the protocols for double occupancy have changed. We will need to get an exemption upon arrival for us to stay together in one room. Of course, this change in policy is nowhere to be found on government websites and there are no updates available on airline websites as well. There are no updates also on social media sites about this. 

Luckily, I found the email address of BOQ and they responded within a few hours (thanks for the quick response BOQ!). I will need proof that I have a medical condition and need assistance in daily living. I have a box full of medical reports which I was going to send back via FedEx. I guess I need to pull out some of the reports. I also requested my doctor if he could write a short letter for me since my condition is just too complicated. That's the problem with invisible illnesses.

On the outside I look perfectly healthy. Only very sharp people notice the subtle indicators that I have an illness. My doctor's nurse actually noticed my hands were shaking when I handed a document to her. I was surprised she noticed. The only person who checked my hands was my rheumatologist. Getting recognized as disabled is really hard when you have an invisible illness. 

Sweetie and I discussed whether I should request for a wheelchair when we fly back home. I experience shortness of breath walking long distances and I told him walking across the airport would be difficult for me. We weighed the risk of getting infected from getting assisted and thought it would be risky. I could still walk, but normally stop every couple of meters. 

I hope my doctor can indulge me with the letter. I'm panicking at the thought of being separated from Sweetie during quarantine. He watches me with eagle eyes and had to ask special permission to WFH to watch over me. The good news for the day is my vaccination is now fully recognized and I was able to get my vaccination certificate with QR code via notarise.gov.sg. How I wish my government could be more efficient with policies and processes. Sigh.

If you are an OFW or Filipino going back home, I have outlined the process here. 

Don't forget it's Day 3 of St. Jude's novena :)

CB////*Yr2/193 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/214 #NewG257 #Home13 #Xmas65 #StayHome #BeKind 

How Tiny Habits Improved My Life

I chanced upon a helpful video on YouTube a few weeks ago. It's about developing 21 tiny habits to improve your life effortlessly (video here). I realized I started to do that in the past few months. I had severe shortness of breath the first half of the year. This was due to the blood clots in my lungs and additional complications. 

I was really keen to get better and started exercises to help my lungs. I started doing wall push-ups. I could only do three in the beginning. Every week I'd try to add two more reps. It took months, but I was eventually able to increase it to 30 reps with additional exercises. I do the exercise while I'm preparing my coffee. I tied it to another routine so I do not forget. My lungs improved and my back rarely hurts because of the daily exercise. 

A friend pinged me the other day and asked how I've been able to go back to blogging. In previous years I'd usually do a 30-day daily blogging challenge. Using the Blogger app helped since I'd usually post while I was on the train to work. I started blogging everyday again in 2020. It started as a 30-day challenge in January which I extended to the whole year. To remember that I have to blog I tied it to my coffee time routine. 

I never had an issue with completing tasks when I was working. I would efficient just go from one thing to another without missing a beat. When I got sick and got depressed things went really bad. I knew I had to get myself out of it when my physiotherapist asked me why I wasn't scheduling to see my doctor. She had me call up his office in front of her. She understood what I was going through and held my hand through it (super love her to bits!). After that day I worked on prioritizing important tasks. I'd usually do it after blogging. Mind you these were simple tasks like scheduling the aircon cleaner to come. It is hard to fight depression led procrastination, so developing tiny habits by following a routine helps. 

Starting tiny habits help a lot and I found it useful to tie them to a routine. I tied it mostly with my coffee time because it's something I rarely forget to do. It all starts though when I get up and prepare my oatmeal. My life completely changed in the past year. Everything I used to do had to change for me to live a healthier life so my body, heart and mind could recover. 

There are still a lot of new habits I'd like to develop, but I'm taking it slow for now. It was really a huge struggle to get out the hole I fell in, so I thought I'd share what tiny things I did to get out of it. 

Don't forget, it's day 2 of St. Jude's novena :)

CB////*Yr2/192 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/213 #NewG258 #Home14 #Xmas66 #StayHome #BeKind

Pink!

Today turned out to be a great day. My doctor's nurse called me yesterday afternoon to come in this morning. It's usually bad news when they ask you to come in the next day. As usual I had a hard time sleeping last night. I just prayed and left everything to God's will.

Color twinning hehe.

My doctor said they only found that I was vitamin D deficient. He was frustrated though he couldn't find the cause of my clots. I was relieved with his news since I just need to take a higher dosage of vitamin D for the next 3 months. I have made peace with the fact that I may never find out what caused my clots. What's important is I'm better now. 

And today I completed my second dose of COVID-19 vaccine. The doctor told me he remembered me because of my medical issues haha. He said it'll be fully working by the time I go back home. Yes! I'm glad I took the pains to coordinate across my doctors to get clearance. 

If you feel you are medically ineligible to get vaxxed do check with your doctor. Whatever symptom you'll feel when you get it will be much, much less than if you get sick. I have a sore arm now and it's happy pain for me. It means the vaccine is working. 

I'm going to sleep happy again tonight. It's the second day in a row that my prayers have been answered. You're the best Papa God!

CB////*Yr2/180 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/201 #NewG267 #Home26 #Xmas80 #StayHome #BeKind

The Journey

October 15, 2011 flight

I officially moved to Singapore on October 15, 2011. That's almost a decade ago already. I never planned to be an OFW. If my Dad was alive he would never have allowed me to leave since my siblings both live abroad already. Well, it just happened. What I thought was just a chat turned out to be an interview haha. The process went by quickly and I eventually found myself in Singapore. 

Many have asked me why I never applied to be a PR. It wasn't a priority for me because I always knew I would eventually go home. My original plan was to go back home as soon as Miggy finished his schooling. I was lucky because in the first few years I was able to go home a lot. Most of my projects and pilots were done in the Philippines. Eventually I had to focus across Southeast Asia and then Asia Pacific. 

Service apartment :)

Things became harder for me when my coverage grew. I couldn't see my family as often anymore. A friend's passing was instrumental in how decided to bring our family together in Singapore (story here). Miggy decided to finish his studies here and Sweetie followed after a few months. I still traveled a lot, but we were happy to be together. 

Complete, May 2016.

Miggy finished his studies two years ago and wanted to start his career back home. We knew we had to let him go and give his freedom to find his way around the world. Oh boy, becoming empty nesters is the worst feeling in the world. Both me and Sweetie felt very lost. We literally found ourselves going out everyday. We'd go home late to avoid the feeling of an empty house. 

Shortly after that I took a break and spent two months at home with Miggy. It was then I started thinking about going back for good. Miggy brought me back to Singapore and went back home a few weeks after. I have not seen him in person since February 2020. It's the hardest thing to go through as a mom and I guess that partly contributed to me getting sick. 

My doctors have advised it's best for me to go back home. Yup, even in the middle of a pandemic. That's one of the reasons why half of my doctors insisted I get vaccinated. Good thing I got cleared. Having another PE effectively changed my future. I took it as a redirection to go back home. I know it's a huge risk, but we'll take the necessary precautions to be safe. 

And so my OFW journey will end soon. I will miss living in Singapore, especially all its conveniences. They have taken good care of me here, but I feel there's something waiting for me back home (aside from my Mom and Miggy!). Excited to see how my life unfolds in the coming months. 

CB////*Yr2/176 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/197 #NewG271 #Home30 #Xmas84 #StayHome #BeKind

My Sew-thing Hobby

I'm really grateful that my Mom taught me how to sew. It's one of her hobbies which she passed on to me. My Mama Lola also did a lot of sewing when she lived with us. She's the one who taught me how to use a sewing machine. My skills though are still far from what my Mom and Mama Lola could do. So like anything I do I set to learn new skills as I go along. 

Sewing is the perfect hobby for people like me. I want to do a lot, but my body is just uncooperative haha. I'll probably remember 2021 as the year when I progressed my quilting skills. I had to really use the sewing machine Sweetie bought for me because my fingers and arm started to hurt a lot from hand quilting (#signsofoldage). I joined several online quilting groups and also learned about tools and equipment I could use to make things easier.

I haven't really done a lot since I've had to pace myself, but I'm happy with the little experiments I've done so far. Here's a round-up -

Harry Potter Quilt Blanket for Jomar and Celine (2-year delayed wedding gift!)

http://aileenstitching.blogspot.com/2021/07/harry-potter-quilt-blanket.html

Personalized CD Case, made this for my huge collection of scans lol

http://aileenstitching.blogspot.com/2021/06/easy-diy-quilted-cd-case.html

Tote bag, made this to show it off to my doctor, also wanted to see how I could integrate embroidery into my projects

http://aileenstitching.blogspot.com/2021/05/quilted-tote-bag-for-sewing-enthusiasts.html

Shophouse pillowcase, I plan to make this into a collection for my future home

http://aileenstitching.blogspot.com/2021/07/shophouse-quilt-sampler.html

Pinwheel lap quilt, started this project to learn shortcuts to making lap quilts

http://aileenstitching.blogspot.com/2021/09/how-to-make-pinwheel-lap-quilt-fast.html

My Mom sews so fast by hand. I don't know how she does it. She could finish a throw pillow case in less than a day! I guess it's because I get distracted easily by other things lol. Anyway, I enjoy sewing because it also helps me to calm down. I feel productive when my hands are busy. To make sure I don't sit around sewing the whole day I usually put my water bottle on the other side of the room to force me to stand up often. Para-paraan :)

I also enjoy making tutorials of my learnings. Please check out the vids here.

Happy Sunday everyone! 

CB////*Yr2/175 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/196 #NewG272 #Home31 #Xmas85 #StayHome #BeKind

Optimistic October

Oh boy, I just realized how busy this month is going to be. I promptly fell asleep after our hospital visit yesterday. I got exhausted after my doctor''s nurse called me twice to tell me I have a vitamin D deficiency. Well, that's probably one reason why I get so exhausted haha. I was told to drink a supplement asap! 

Immediately ordered some via Amazon and drank it when it was delivered. Felt a bit weird for a few minutes, but instantly experienced a shot of sunshine. Vitamin D3 is apparently known as the sunshine vitamin! I'm optimistic that this will help me get through this busy month. 

Good thing most of the tasks I need to do can be done at home. That includes completing an inventory of our things, donating things we don't need and the ginormous task of packing up our home. On top of this I need to finish sorting out my health. I also need to finish all the quilt projects. And not to forget, get my second vaccination dose. Oh and I need to take advantage of the internet here and finish uploading my photos! Whew! No time for afternoon naps!

I'm really grateful that I'm back to my old self. The body though is weary, as much as I want to do more I have to be on point about my health. I told Sweetie yesterday, I hope I won't have to go visit a hospital or a doctor for a long time when I get home (except to get a reseta for my meds). 

Anyway, gotta go, I feel like I need to burn off the energy I got from taking vitamins! I feel like doing cartwheels hahaha.

Happy weekend everyone! Stay home and keep safe!

CB////*Yr2/174 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/195 #NewG273 #Home32 #Xmas86 #StayHome #BeKind

Happy Cookie!

I'm happy cookie today. I think I'm back on track after the week-long horrid post-vaxx symptoms. I consider it as joyful pain since it means it worked for me! The cookie reference is because I was able to bake peanut butter cookies yesterday. I've wanted to bake some for Sweetie's colleagues since I heard they like it. 

I was exhausted after baking cookies and cooking chicken adobo. It's my happy memory for Monday. Woot! And today's happy memory is my last meeting with my counsellor. He told me it looks like I'm back to my old, strong self. Yay! 

I still have my worries and still get plagued with anxiety every so often, but I think I'm able to cope better now. I'll have a larger support group also when I go home. I'm happy I'm better now because I'm also able to help others like me in our patient groups. I hope I'll be able to start on my book project again soon. 

Recipe of the peanut butter cookies. 

I learned to make this from my Ate when I was a child. 

Getting to my current state was not easy. I tackled myself like a program I needed to manage. I basically dropped everything and just focused on myself. I stopped multi-tasking and just did tasks one thing at a time. I targeted improving one percent better from yesterday. 

And I finally managed to pull myself out of the black hole I got sucked in. My doctor explained it happens because when you get clots you get scared of it recurring. The fear stems from the possibility of you dying from it. 

What's important for me now is to continue the steps I'm taking to get better. I do my wall exercises everyday and now I can start biking again. I know I'll have to halt things again when I get my second dose. That's about 10 days away so I have time to get stronger. 

I also got to where I am now because of my amazing support system. For family and friends who stood by me especially when I would be weird and be MIA, thank you. I'll still probably curl up in a corner when I feel unwell, nothing to worry about I'll just probably be sleeping hehe. I consider getting better a miracle also and my bottomless gratitude to Papa God, Mama Mary, all the saints I nagged and my guardian angel. 

Onwards and upward! :D

CB////*Yr2/170 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/193 #NewG277 #Home36 #Xmas88 #StayHome #BeKind

*Massive pulmonary embolisms have 18% to 65% mortality rate (more info here)

Breathe

Sometimes we forget to  breathe properly especially when you feel anxious. I have done many different combinations of deep breathing exercises. When I had severe shortness of breath post-PE* I started taking deep breaths several times a day. I imagined stretching my lungs to clear "cobwebs". Eventually I gained more stamina and was able to start with wall push-ups. 

Sweetie found my old incentive spirometer. I absolutely detested using it after OHS**. I kept it once I reached the quota my doctor gave me. Sweetie finally found it the other day. My cardiologist told me a few weeks ago I should work on reaching 1500ml. Cleaned up the spirometer and tried it out. I reached 2000ml! Woohoo! 

To show appreciation for looking out for me I sent a video of me reaching 2000ml to my doctor. It's a huge milestone for me! Doing deep breathing exercises has also helped me calm down when I feel anxious. Here's what I usually do - 

1. Deep breathing exercise while watching TV, 10 counts

2. Wall push-ups, 2 reps of 15

3. When I can't sleep I do the 4-7-4 breathing exercise, breathe in 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, exhale in 4 counts. Just 3-5 reps and I immediately conk out. 

4. Deep breathing while spinning on the exercise bike. This is something I'm experimenting on right now. 

5. Tiptoe wall exercise with deep breathing. I saw this on a video. They said it helps with better circulation and also reduces joint pain. 

One thing I haven't conquered is going up the stairs. I still experience a lot of SOB. My PT's tip is to inhale before exerting effort, so I inhale before I take a step and exhale as I head up. Getting the timing right can be challenging in the beginning, but you'll eventually get it with practice. Improving my stamina and conquering stairways is my next challenge for myself hrhr. 

Inhale, exhale. Have a happy Sunday everyone!

*PE - pulmonary embolism

**OHS - open heart surgery

CB///*Yr2/168 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/191 #NewG279 #Home38 #Xmas90 #StayHome #BeKind

One Percent Better than Yesterday

I'm happy to share that my oxygen saturation has been really good the past few weeks. I had a hard time breathing for many months after the second PE*. It feels like you're carrying a huge heavy backpack up a hill all the time. You huff and puff and have pain in your back/chest. 

Many patients who were very active prior to their clots feel frustrated when they realize that recovery takes so long. Each person is different so some may recover faster than others. My PEs compounded (PE 1 + PE 2 = disaster) so that led to other complications. I feel though I'm much better now compared to six months ago. 

My progress changed when I shifted my mindset from fast recovery goals to "at least one percent better than yesterday". I got so frustrated when I didn't improve at the rate I wanted. On the fourth month I gave up and changed my mindset after reading a reflection. 

From 3 wall push-ups in April, I can now do 30. I added five wall tiptoes in July, now I can do 20. I started using an exercise bike in May. I used to do just 4 reps of one minute on, one minute off, now I can do 20 minutes non-stop. Progress has also been slow since I have to stop exercise between procedures and the vaccination. My daily program has helped a lot with my breathing and I rarely have back pain now. I do the reps while preparing my coffee lol. That way I never forget to exercise haha. 

I'm also now using the same strategy in sorting our stuff. It's more manageable for me since I shouldn't do anything strenuous post procedures/vaxx. The moonshot strategy doesn't work for everything haha. I have been sharing this "mindset" to other patients in our group. Some of them were really active prior to their clots. Blood clots break a lot of people. It isn't easy to deal with, feel free to share this with friends who may be recovering from other illnesses. 

*PE - pulmonary embolism (blood clots in lungs)

CB///*Yr2/166 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/189 #NewG281 #Home40 #Xmas92 #StayHome #BeKind

Make Each Day Count

How do you want to be remembered when your time comes? 

I woke up to the news of the passing of former Secretary Dinky Soliman. She was the DSWD secretary during PNoy's administration. I never had the chance to meet her in person, but I always admired her. She was a strong, formidable woman who always championed those in need. And she will always be remembered for being that kind of person. Rest in peace Ma'am Dinky.

I have thought about the question several times in the past few months. I guess it's natural to think about it when you go through medical issues. I realized there was a huge gap in what I want to be. I've only been able to fulfill a part of my mission, but I have neglected a big part of who I am. To me getting sick was a blessing in disguise. It led me back to where I should be. 

Make each day count. Let go of things that bring negativity. Be happy. Be helpful. Be kind. 

The past couple of months I've been watching family vlogs. Most of them used to have corporate jobs. They quit and followed their dream. They traveled a lot and eventually settled in the province to live a simpler life. They spend their time at home with their kid/s. 

I've always led a very busy life. I struggled a lot when I was forced to slow down. It took me four months before I calmed down. I tell my friends who are taking a break to do a long one. It really takes time to reach the right headspace to think about what you want in life. 

Live life in love and don't forget to pray. 

Happy Sunday everyone!

CB///*Yr2/161 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/184 #NewG286 #Home45 #Xmas97 #StayHome #BeKind 

My Ouchie Bestie for Now

Ouchie! My arm was so sore yesterday after getting vaccinated. I promptly fell asleep after lunch and woke up because my arm felt like a dinosaur was biting it. I just iced it as the doctor advised. Tried to avoid drinking meds, but by evening it felt like Godzilla was biting my arm. I couldn't move my arm anymore. I had Panadol and that helped a lot. By morning it just felt like a huge dog was biting my arm so I think I have survived the worst of it. 

I'm used to experiencing pain by now. Childbirth and open heart surgery were the most painful episodes I've been through. My doctor said it's bad to get used to pain because you could end up ignoring important symptoms. My Mom told me when I was growing up to lift any pain to Jesus. I do that and I have a collection of pain tools all titas own (Salonpas, Panaway, Tiger Balm etc.). My ouchie bestie for now is ice and Panadol (doc said don't put anything on the site, it'll make things worse). 

To make sure that my symptoms were not out of the ordinary I read the literature on the MOH website and watched a few videos. I learned it's good sign if you feel side effects because it means the vaccine is working. Oh boy, it's working Godzilla size for me! That's a good perspective to hold onto as you go through it. I'm relieved that so far it's just a sore arm. So I'll be a good girl and really rest for now.

It's just a bummer for me that I have to stop my exercise regime again. It's been a start-stop-recover-start cycle for me. I've been doing a lot of tests every other week so my progress has been very slow. I'm glad though that I have the scary thing behind me now and I finally got my first dose. My doctor wants me to just see one more doctor, a rheumatogist, to clear up a finding from the biopsy. I'll do it just to put a period to all their concerns.

My head now is buzzing with preparations to go back home, Christmas and all the things I want to eat again back home! Hahaha. I have a few weeks of quiet before I go for my second shot. I'll resume sorting once the forced rest period is over, again. 

CB///*Yr2/160 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/183 #NewG287 #Home46 #Xmas98 #StayHome #BeKind 

I Got Vaccinated on My Clotiversary!

Thank you everyone for keeping me in your prayers. It's been a monumental day for me today. I had two major appointments, first one was to get the results of the test I had last week. Second, I got vaccinated. 

I was really anxious about both appointments today. I couldn't sleep last night! I'm just so grateful now many prayers (and your prayers) have been answered. I don't have cancer and I don't have any adverse reactions to the vaccine. Whew! God is amazing!

To most people getting vaccinated is easy. My apprehension stemmed from my doctor's advise after I had a venogram in June. He said it would be too risky for me to get vaccinated because they couldn't pinpoint clearly the cause of my PEs. So I was originally medically ineligible to get vaccinated. 

Good thing my respiratory doctor nudged me to get vaccinated so I re-checked with my two other doctors. They both said yes, but they wanted me to be admitted for monitoring when I get vaccinated. I tried, but there was no clear process for it so I just asked my doctor if I could just get it from a clinic. He agreed and asked for all my appointment details. I'm so lucky to have doctors who care so much. 

It's a bright, sunny and hot day today and I just felt that things would go smoothly. I told Sweetie I wasn't sure which appointment I was apprehensive about. He reassured me that things will go well. My favorite titas in Australia and Japan also gave me extra good vibes. 

I think I was the only one set to get vaccinated at the clinic. The doctor reassured me also and he was cheerful throughout the process. He also allowed me to take a video haha. It happened so fast I didn't even feel the pinch of the needle (or maybe coz I'm so used to getting blood drawn hrhr). Then I went outside to wait out the 30 minute monitoring time. My Tita told me, "Don't even think about getting a headache or any side effects coz it will happen." So I just played Pokemon Go and I the staff pointed two electric fans towards me (it's truly my lucky day!). 

Yeah, and today is my third clotiversary. It's year 3 since a huge blood clot was discovered in my left lung. I survived that and survived another one last January. My doctor earlier told me maybe we'll never really know why it happened. I'm fine with that because I know God has my back :)

CB///*Yr2/159 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/182 #NewG288 #Home46 #Xmas99 #StayHome #BeKind 

The Saint Who Brought Me My Forever

My Mom brought me up to get to know the saints. They also taught it in school. I love the fact that I'm remembering this part of me and I could ask for their intercession for my prayers and intentions. Something missing? Pray to St. Anthony. Pandemic? Pray to St. Roch. Need a miracle? Pray to Padre Pio* and ask your guardian angel to whisper to his ear. Anxiety? Pray to St. Dymphna. Teaching? Of course, St. La Salle is the one. 

At the La Salle Generalate, Rome.

I'm happy I bounced back quickly from last week's procedure. It was a blessing in disguise it was rescheduled because I can get feedback from my doctor before I get vaxxed this week. I've been praying a lot and I realized that's what was lacking in me the past few years. I think after OHS** I got too brazen and thought I was invincible. I was doing my mission and took it for granted that all systems would just run smoothly. 

I prayed every night, but my head would always be buzzing with other things. A couple of weeks ago I thought I could improve with how I did my prayers. I always hear people say that you have to be specific about your requests. I downloaded two prayer apps and started to pray novenas (now I know why my Mom always uses her prayer books). It was then I remembered the saint who led me to Sweetie. 

St. Jude, the patron saint of impossible causes. At some point in my life I gave up on love. I was badly heartbroken and kept meeting the wrong kind of guys. I felt it was impossible to find true love. I heard about St. Jude, so thought I'd pray to him. I did and eventually met Sweetie. I think I never thanked St. Jude for helping write my love story. I thank him every night now and I'm requesting for a couple of impossible things. Have anything that you think is impossible? Pray to St. Jude. He gave me my forever (#sanaol). 

CB///*Yr2/155 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/178 #NewG292 #Home50 #Xmas103 #StayHome #BeKind 

*Padre Pio novena starts tomorrow

**OHS - open heart surgery

Mysteries, Miracles

One of the causes of anxiety is a perception that you do not have control over something. The best way to get a hold of feeling anxious is to manage how you perceive things. Kuya told me to look up when you're starting to feel anxious. It works because when you look up what you see immediately changes. That prevents you from falling into the ugly black hole. 

Dr. Joe Dispenza, on the other hand, says that we keep going back to these negative feelings because it becomes an addiction. An example is when you keep going back to a toxic relationship even though you already know it's bad for you. Or when you keep accepting too much work, but you still feel good even if it's affecting your health. That's why Dr. Joe wrote the book, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself". 

I know I've fallen in the trap so many times throughout my life. I think the hardest thing to learn is letting go. Getting your grip off something you're so used to doing is hard. Trying to solve a mystery that doesn't have an answer can make you go gaga. There are things in life that you cannot control and best left as a mystery. 

I actually said that to the doctor the other day when he was briefing me before the procedure. He asked me what caused my PEs. I told him I got poked some many times already by different doctors. They couldn't explain clearly the cause of my clots. I don't worry about it now because I think mysteries can be disguised as miracles. 

Back in 2008 to 2009, the results of my blood test showed that the the tumor marker CA125 reached 5x normal level. It was so bad the medtech at Makati Med said she was so sorry for the results. My doctor did more tests, but did not find anything. After a visit to Kamay ni Hesus, the tumor marker went down to normal in a span of six months. My doctor couldn't explain why and said that he wished all his patients were like me. To me it was a miracle. 

So don't stress, the mysteries or the things in your life you cannot be control may be a miracle in disguise. Just leave it up to God to solve <3

CB///*Yr2/153 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/176 #NewG294 #Home52 #Xmas105 #StayHome #BeKind 

Atas!

Atas is a term they use here in Singapore. It refers to "VIP/being treated like a VIP" or in colloquial term in the Philippines it means "sushal". I've known about the term, but it was the first time today it was used for me. 

After my doctor's appointment I jumped in a cab. The taxi driver was quite friendly and asked me if everything was alright with my hospital visit. I said my doctor was happy with my progress and that we spent an hour for the consultation. He said, "Wow! You're atas!" I laughed at his exclamation. He explained that doctors usually don't take that long when they see their patients. In the short ride he said atas several more times because he couldn't believe my doctor spent so much time with me. 

Well, he would have probably hit the roof if I told him my doctor has written a six-page report about me. He started the report in February and updates it whenever I have something new. The one-hour consultation isn't really a new thing because he really spends a long time with his patients (most are elderly, I'm the odd one usually hehe). It is unusual for a doctor to write a mega report, but he's been keen to solve the mystery of my blood clots. He explained that it's really unusual because my tests do not clearly show the cause and they don't add up. He said my case is more exciting than a Kdrama. Hahaha! 

I used to be so anxious about not knowing. Other similar patients like me usually get a full explanation from their doctor. I've had several doctors in different hospitals try to crack the mystery, but no answer has been found. After three years of chasing to solve the mystery and getting poked so many times I've given up. I'm just leaving it all to God. I've also re-connected with one of my favorite saints, St. Jude, to pray for another impossible request. 

So I'm atas. I look at the mystery now as a special challenge for me from God. It must be the next miracle He will provide for me soon :)

 CB///*Yr2/150 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/173 #NewG297 #Home55 #Xmas108 #StayHome #BeKind 

Rejected

Today I was turned away by a coffeeshop and a restaurant because I'm not vaccinated. The people at the restaurant were kind. They allowed us to sit while waiting for our takeaway. The coffeeshop crew though were quite rude. They said they'd only allow me if I had a swab test. They made me feel like I had the virus. 

I rarely go out. I even got myself an exercise bike so I don't have to go to the gym or go out for walks. I only go out to see my doctor. I went out today to see my doctor and then went to the mall for some errands. In between errands I usually rest at a coffeeshop for about 20 minutes and then go my way. I make it a point to sit away from people. 

I'm grateful that the crew at the restaurant were more sensitive. They allowed me to sit and asked why I was medically ineligible. They even told me to take care. I think that was a better approach versus how the coffeeshop did it. 

I know they have these policies in place to protect all of us. It would have been helpful if they had signages on the shop stating that you need to be vaccinated to dine in (they didn't). The protocols keep changing so it gets confusing (the last time I was there over a month ago I was still able to dine in). 

My doctors also have different opinions about getting vaccinated. One says I have nothing to worry about, another one says it's too risky for me. One did an eyeroll. Another just looked at me. Sigh. I will get the help of my champion doctor to figure this out. Pray for me?

Day 25 Minimalism Challenge, Batch cook your meals. Maybe I'll be able to do this when I'm back home. I don't know about you, but I cook very slow. I usually take so long slicing stuff because I have to make sure I don't cut myself. I use up at least an hour just cooking one dish. Yup, that's how slow I am haha. But maybe when I have more kitchen space I'd be able to plan things better noh? 

CB///*Yr2/136 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/159 #NewG310 #Home68 #StayHome #BeKind 

Upgraded to One in a Million

I was surprised to get so many nurse visits after I had heart surgery 8 years ago. They were a curious bunch. One of them explained to me that I was a text book case, occurring only once in a hundred thousand people. She was referring to the veins in my neck. 

Since then I was told not to allow just anyone to probe or poke me. I had a venogram last June again and I think I traumatized my doctor haha. They have been trying to solve the mystery of what's causing my clots. They decided to do another venogram, a proper one, to determine the cause. Knowing the cause is important so you can prevent another clotting incident. 

Well, they got some clues, made emergency plans (if really needed) and declared I should not get the vaccination for COVID-19. My doctor said that I will most likely have a severe reaction to it and he won't be able to save me. I also had myocarditis last year after I caught a viral infection from a taxi driver. 

My manager always joked before that I should probably live in a bubble. I was a magnet for viruses and got sick at he oddest times. I caught the viral infection last year from that one day I wore a fabric mask. I wore a fabric mask because my doctor told me it'll be better for me. I have accepted that I do need to live in a "bubble" now. I'm able to cope with lots of hugs from Sweetie so far and look forward to Miggy's super hugs when I get home. 

It's not fun to have a medical condition. It requires a lot of patience, tibay ng loob, and faith. My doctors always say that I have a good understanding of what I've been through. Sometimes I ask God why have I been blessed to live. I realized last week that I am still around because God loves me and wants me to share to everyone that faith and love can really keep powering you on. 

Day 20 Minimalism challenge, Create a relaxing space. Ahhhh I have just upgraded my spot on the couch. I got this cute "toast" pillow which I just realized is made of memory foam. It was supposed to be a surprise for Miggy, but it looked so comfortable when I opened it I decided to use it for myself! It's been the perfect add-on to my spot on the couch. 

CB///*Yr2/131 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/154 #NewG315 #Home73 #StayHome #BeKind