Finding Balance

I was able to write a couple of posts last weekend which allowed me to take a break from writing. I didn't force myself yesterday to write a blog post for today since I still needed time to find my balance. Such is the life of someone with PTSD. When it's triggered it takes me awhile to go back to my regular, happy, chill state.

My PTSD was triggered by several factors. I've been able to rebuild my coping mechanisms, but one thing piled after another so I had to work hard to get back to normal. The following activities helped:

• 
  Prayer
• Communicating my frustration
• Re-potted my cacti and succulent collection (it has grown since Ate Rose gave them to me). 
• Wrote a business analysis. This helped allow me to look at things from another perspective. 
• Ate food I like and had a frosty. (I'm so ready to go back to my set meals haha). 
• Worked on organizing my craft room. Also did some sewing.
• Spent time with the cats.
• Did pulmo rehab (mega deep breathing exercises ftw).
• Short roadtrip with the boys. Getting a good dose of sunshine probably helped.
• A little retail therapy. (Got a new Uratex stool for my gardening activities).
• Stopped and smelled the flowers. 
• Talked to a friend who reminded me I'm an ideal client. 
• Stayed offline for awhile. 

Spending time outside probably gave me a good dose of vitamin sun. I feel a little sunburnt after our short roadtrip today. It was good to be out and about. I even spent more time watering the plants. This allowed me to be calmer and distract me from the issues at hand. The problem with PTSD is when it's triggered everything goes out of proportion and I start feeling unwell. 

I feel a bit better now and will hopefully get better sleep tonight after being out most of the day. I know I'm still fragile, so hopefully the universe will cooperate and be safer for me. I wasn't like this before. I used to face tough times by looking at it straight in the eye. I didn't even blink when I had heart surgery. It was the clots that wore me down. 

The activities I listed above are some of my coping mechanisms. Being busy with offline activities really helps a lot and whenever negative thoughts intrude I combat it with a prayer. Of course, hugs from my boys added to my happiness well. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: My Wellness Goals for 2023

My recovery has been long and very slow. I have honestly been very fragile. The key to staying well is listening to my body and keeping my well-being stable. My main kryptonite is bad air quality and when my PTSD is triggered. Those are two things that I have to avoid so I stay stable. 

I reached my wellness goal last year which was not to be hospitalized. I didn't! And my doctor told me to avoid hospitals because it's a huge risk for me to pick up COVID-19. Not getting hospitalized is part of my 2023 goal, but my main goal this year is to recover and gain more stamina. I want to be able to do the things I used to do for my boys and create more happy memories with them. 

Here's my plan to reach my goal:

1. Pray
2. Be grateful and be grateful for others
3. Eat well and eat more nutritious food
4. Lose more weight
5. Complete daily exercises and increase exercise capacity (and try to go out more)
6. Follow doctors orders and do the tests
7. Drink meds on time
8. Re-start meditation
9. Solidify coping mechanims
10. Less social media 

I'm still keeping my circle small for now, but I hope to spend some time to see my friends. I was only able to meet up with friends once last year and after that I couldn't plan anything because of my stability. And that is why my goal this year is to be stable and gain more stamina. :)

What are your wellness goals for the year?

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: Live Grateful

I was clinically diagnosed with PTSD and depression last year after my second PE*. A friend suggested to me to see a proper doctor since I used up the consultations benefit. I knew also from the experience of other PE patients that it's important to get help. PE is truly a different kind of monster. 

I breezed through 2 OHS' and I was still able to cope after my first PE. The second one though really did a number on me. I emailed the doctor as my friends suggested, but I waited another six weeks before I followed-up. I only followed up because I wasn't getting any better and I wasn't motivated to do anything.

First vs. Last day at my psych doctor's office.
My energy (and skin care) definitely improved.

And the doctor helped. We did have some issues with meds in the beginning. I kept bleeding because it was interacting with my other meds. He eventually gave me something that worked. Within a month I progressed a lot. My breathing improved and my stamina improved also. Our sessions helped me re-establish my coping mechanims and it got me sewing again. 

My doctor was concerned about moving back home. He said it was going to be stressful. I was confident when I told him that I felt I'd be fine. I was okay and even weaned myself away from the meds early (he gave me instructions on how to do it). I knew it would not be good to be dependent on meds. I had to re-learn to be resilient. 

The past 10 months since I stopped taking the meds has been very challenging. I still have 2 banigs of the medication which I can take in case of emergency. I have not taken it even though I had been going through a difficult time since September. 

A friend posted a quote on his FB stream about "living gratefully". I remember the lesson Chade Meng Tan taught us about being grateful and being grateful for others. He said the effect of being grateful is multiplied so much more if you are grateful for others. That's what broke the dark cloud that was on my head. 

 This is my emergency pill.

I realized that I should celebrate what I have instead of lamenting over what I don't have. That's the reason why I made this post last week and why I think my posts now sound more happy than morose. Live grateful and you're heart will overflow with happiness. 

If you're feeling downtrodden or sad or stuck in a rut, it's always helpful to start a gratitude journal. You can start with one to three per day. Start with simple things like appreciating the beautiful blue sky when you wake up. Believe me your list will soon grow long and you're perspective will change. For extra oomph, try being grateful for others. It will rocketship you to the stars. 

*PE - pulmonary embolism

**OHS  - open heart surgery

Wellness Wednesdays: Managing Stress and Triggers

I've decided to put a bit more structure on how I blog everyday. I noticed I've just been writing about a hodge-podge of topics and most did not make sense. Some were even depressing, so I told myself I'm the only one who can get myself out of this rut. The best way is to focus on matters that would be helpful for others. So today I thought I'd write about how I manage "triggers and stress". 

Happiness is finally visiting NBS again! 10 minutes wasn't enough though!

For people with PTSD like me it's important to address triggers before things get out of hand. I quit drinking the meds my doctor gave me. My goal is to reduce or remove my maintenance meds and he told me could stop as soon as I was settled in after I got home. I quit cold turkey two and a half months after and held on to what my doctor told me on our last meeting. He said, "You have progressed really well and I think you know how to manage it already." 

He was referring to "managing triggers and stress". Well after suffering through another bout of heart failure in the past two months, I knew I hit rock bottom again. The only way was up and here's what I did to manage triggers:

1. Walk away from the stressor. If it's a bad relationship that you have given so many chances to, just walk away. Love yourself more. 

2. Get help if there is someone who can. I normally ask help from my boys to manage service personnel who come to our home. I usually get overwhelmed with their questions, so they take care of entertaining them. 

3. Know your limits and rest when needed. I usually get frustrated when there's an activity I can't do. Sometimes when I feel I'm stable I ask to postpone the activity (i.e. doing groceries) to another day. 

4. Don't stress out over things you cannot control. Kuya told me that sometimes I care too much about making things work. So it's best of let go when there's something you can't fully control. This also prevents me from going into beast mode, hahaha.

5. Take things one day at a time. Every week I set major goals that I have to accomplish and then I break it down by day. I also make sure I have fall-back days in case there's a day I have to rest. 

My doctors would be proud of how much I've changed! They said that part of the issue was my personality. I was so focused on attaining my goals, I oftentimes prioritized that over myself. I should probably send them a postcard when we're finally able to go on vacation. 

Bee happy!

#BeKind #StaySafe

Doors

The 1SE app reminded me with a message this morning, "Life doesn't stop for anyone." An apt reminder because I've been amiss with adding daily content. I've been so busy the past two weeks, I haven't even started preparing for Christmas. 

Well, the 1SE app brought me to think about doors. I'm having our doorknobs replaced. We always get injured from lever door handles and my doctor told me to avoid any kind of injury (fragile ka ghorl?). So we're replacing it with classic door knobs. And life is just like that, it doesn't stop for anyone. You can take a break, but everyone around you will be moving. 

There's a saying, "When a door closes, a window opens." When I woke up this morning I realized that God opened a huge door for me. I had been stuck in the "I'm sick loop" for a year now and much as I try to move on, I've been immobile. This morning felt different though, it felt like the key to a new door was unlocked. It felt strange because I was also having an asthma attack when the revelation happened. 

I read that one cause of depression is the feeling of helplessness. It does not go well when you also have PTSD. Both pushes you to want to have control and a better sense of worth. I struggled with sleep for a long time. It was only when I came home that I felt things start to resolve. I have been able to fall asleep faster (most nights) and my Fitbit tells me that my deep sleep time has improved a lot. I need to have a lot of deep sleep to heal better. 

I know my body will never go back to what it was before. I've been praying for healing for my body, mind, heart and soul. It takes a lot of time and faith. I think having my family and friends in close proximity, breathing in Philippine air (even with bad AQI sometimes) and getting proper vitamin D from the sun, is what helped unlock the new door. 

Life doesn't stop for anyone, but you can always pause and take a break when you need it. Do things that will make you happy. It may not be a window that opens, but you can always change the doorknob too. 

I pray you are in good spirits today my friend. I also pray for those affected by the wrath of Typhoon Odette. 

#Home44 #NewG202 #Xmas8 #StayHome #BeKind  

Thankful

We giggled as we ate our "Thanksgiving" dinner last night. It's Thanksgiving in the US and Miggy mentioned it as we started to eat dinner. "While everyone's eating turkey, we're eating Indomie," Sweetie said and that was when we giggled. We did order spinach lasagna for Thanksgiving, but only realized after that it will only be available on Saturday. We seriously need to do better in planning our meals. 

We enjoyed our meal. What's more important for us is we're together as a family. We're able to share stories, memes, weird ideas and funny memories in person. Sometimes when we need quiet time we retire in our room to recharge or do our own thing. Being together again is what I'm most thankful for this year. 

I am also thankful to be alive. I had my second PE* last January and have had complications after. I'm grateful for all the love and care from my family and friends. I'm also grateful to all my doctors, nurses and health workers who have cared for me. I am alive because of them and I thank God for giving me this chance to live. 

My only wish for now is for all my family and friends to be safe, healthy, secure, blessed and happy. I've also been praying for our country to have a leader who would bring peace, progress and prosperity. And, of course, bottomless prayers for all frontliners. My impossible cause prayer to St. Jude is for me to be healed. 

Being thankful and grateful is what has helped me the past few months. It's what has kept my PTSD** at bay. I'm still adjusting to my new life and I'm slowly accepting that my body is very different now. My biggest mistake post-OHS*** was to live like I didn't have surgery. I was bent on proving I could do everything. For now I'll just be thankful and grateful I have this chance to create more happy memories with family and friends. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

#Home23 #NewG223 #Xmas29 #StayHome #BeKind   

PE - pulmonary embolism

PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

OHS - open heart surgery