My Anxiety Management Kit

I have family and friends who have been infected with the coronavirus. Got worried last night when my best friend told me he tested positive too. Good thing they are all vaccinated so they're all asymptomatic. My boys have been very strict with me. They don't allow me to step out if there's a delivery. We all wear masks if someone drops by, even if it's just at the gate. 

I always feel anxious whenever I feel unwell. A dark cloud always comes over me when I get sick. I've had to deal with anxiety since I had my first pulmonary embolism in 2018. It felt like it was easier to manage when I was busy at work, but that didn't help. I was just avoiding the issue and it eventually emptied my tank. After I had my second pulmonary embolism, I realized I needed help. 

A huge part of recovering from an illness relies on having a sound mind. Battling physical illnesses requires you to have a strong will. I know my issues are extraordinary compared to most, but I thought I'd share what I've been doing because it may help you or a loved one who may need help. Here's a list:

1. Sleep - I had trouble sleeping for years. My doctor kept reminding me that getting 8 hours of sleep was important for recovery. What helped me was putting a few drops of lavender on an essential oil stone. Using an air filter also help a lot (doc said breathing well is a huge part of getting proper sleep). Praying the rosary before sleeping also helped me calm down. 

I guess a huge part of being anxious was being far away from home. I rarely have trouble falling asleep since I got home. 

2. Look Up - I got this tip from my Kuya. Whenever the black cloud sets in and my train of thought goes dark, I break it by looking up. It forces me to think of something else. 

3. Essential Oils - I have been using EOs since 2019. It was my HS classmate who's a doctor who finally convinced me to use them. I do a lot of research though before using any oil to make sure it doesn't interact with my meds. I diffuse several times a week and the boys love it too because it makes our home smell good. 

4. Drinking Lots of Water - I doubled my water intake. It made my blood flow better and resolved kidney issues. Feeling good means less anxiety. 

5. Exercise - this was never in my dictionary. The only willing exercise I used to do was malling*. It's the only place I could easily get 10k steps. My back ached so bad after my first PE I had to go see a spine doctor. He enrolled me in physiotherapy. My PT said I should treat exercise like the requirement to brush my teeth. Strangely that's what got me moving! As long as I do at least 30 wall push-ups a day I've been okay. This has helped expand my lungs, keep my core firm and keep my joints working properly. I guess it helps produce needed endorphins too. I'm not as grumpy anymore. 

6. Hugs - get at least 8 hugs a day. 

7. Do some gardening - watering plants have been helping me with balance. I use it as escape time to stay offline too. 

8. Stay offline - my doctors mandated this for me. I set up my phone to track how much time I spent online. It took me four months before I became less wired. I realized that my doctors mandate to stay offline was the best advise they gave me. 

9. Get a hobby - I read that anxiety stems from being unable to control a situation. I found it very useful to work on my hobbies. It made me feel accomplished whenever I finished a project. Working on your hobbies also help keep you offline and away from triggers!

10. Know your triggers. A good understanding of what stresses you out is important in managing your well-being. Part of this includes surrounding yourself with people who truly love you. 

Of course, pray and always remember that Papa God loves you. 

*Malling - going to the mall to shop!

What I'm Doing to Refill My Tank

My tank has finally started to fill up. I was running on fumes for more than a year. I really wondered how I could refill my tank. I learned that you should heed the signs when your tank is running low. The signs were there as early as 2018, but I just kept going. I'm a trooper after all, but it's really important to take care of yourself. 

Oh before I forget, today is my 9th mitral valve repair anniversary. My heart has been thumping nicely for 9 years already. My surgeon really did a great job and he says that everytime he peaks at the valve, haha. The valve is leaking a bit again, but they said no need to worry as long as I limit my activities. My doctors are amazed how I'm able to recover from all my health issues. 

Faith, hope and love. That's my secret. I have been praying for a miracle because my family needs me. I think I'm finally stable now and it's truly a miracle I have not visited a medical facility for two month now. Thank you Lord! I'm really happy about it because I'm able to do things for my family. 

If you're not careful, you can run on empty like me. Thought I'd share what I did the past year to refill my tank:

1. Pray for healing, truly, madly and deeply. I also prayed for help from Mama Mary, Padre Pio and St. Jude. 

2. Forgive yourself. I beat myself up for not being able to contribute to anything. It triggered my PTSD all the time. 

3. Accept that there are things you cannot change. Treat it as Papa God's way of pushing you to a new path. 

4. Take a break. Take as long as you need. It's okay not to function as you normally would.

5. Surround yourself with people who love you truly. 

6. Do things that make you happy. 

7. Learn to say no. No, no, no, no! Haha. I still get invitations to speak and people can get pushy! They don't understand that my voice runs out after a few minutes of talking. It's a mechanical issue. So i just keep saying no. Sorry guys. It is what it is.

8. Move on and discover new things about yourself. Since I had to stop doing what I loved to do, I moved on and discerned my new mission. Just family for now. 

9. Indulge yourself. I'm so far happy my weight has stayed stable since I got home, haha. I'm not pressuring myself to lose more. Just focusing on increasing daily movement for now. 

10. Get as many hugs as you can everyday. I squeeze my boys like crazy several times a day. 

#BeKind #StayHome

Doors

The 1SE app reminded me with a message this morning, "Life doesn't stop for anyone." An apt reminder because I've been amiss with adding daily content. I've been so busy the past two weeks, I haven't even started preparing for Christmas. 

Well, the 1SE app brought me to think about doors. I'm having our doorknobs replaced. We always get injured from lever door handles and my doctor told me to avoid any kind of injury (fragile ka ghorl?). So we're replacing it with classic door knobs. And life is just like that, it doesn't stop for anyone. You can take a break, but everyone around you will be moving. 

There's a saying, "When a door closes, a window opens." When I woke up this morning I realized that God opened a huge door for me. I had been stuck in the "I'm sick loop" for a year now and much as I try to move on, I've been immobile. This morning felt different though, it felt like the key to a new door was unlocked. It felt strange because I was also having an asthma attack when the revelation happened. 

I read that one cause of depression is the feeling of helplessness. It does not go well when you also have PTSD. Both pushes you to want to have control and a better sense of worth. I struggled with sleep for a long time. It was only when I came home that I felt things start to resolve. I have been able to fall asleep faster (most nights) and my Fitbit tells me that my deep sleep time has improved a lot. I need to have a lot of deep sleep to heal better. 

I know my body will never go back to what it was before. I've been praying for healing for my body, mind, heart and soul. It takes a lot of time and faith. I think having my family and friends in close proximity, breathing in Philippine air (even with bad AQI sometimes) and getting proper vitamin D from the sun, is what helped unlock the new door. 

Life doesn't stop for anyone, but you can always pause and take a break when you need it. Do things that will make you happy. It may not be a window that opens, but you can always change the doorknob too. 

I pray you are in good spirits today my friend. I also pray for those affected by the wrath of Typhoon Odette. 

#Home44 #NewG202 #Xmas8 #StayHome #BeKind  

The Bright Side

I finally got my mojo back. It took a huge dose of Pinoy food, a trip to Spotlight and Art Friend and an SOS to Sweetie to come home earlier than usual from work. Whenever I get back to back bad days, a dark cloud settles on my head and it's hard to shake off. I'm glad it's gone now and I can focus again on getting better. 

Being forced to rest wasn't easy for me. It was an incredulous situation for me. When I accepted my new reality, I realized there were other things I could explore. That is the brighter side of the situation. Here's what I've been able to do on good days -

• Work on my quilt projects - I'm finally making progress in acquiring more sewing skills. I always make sure I learn something whenever I start a project. I hope I can master using my sewing machine by end of the year. 
• Start writing a book - I enrolled in an online writing retreat. It ran for five Saturdays. I honestly didn't think I'd finish it, but I did! I've so far written only one chapter and got stalled on chapter two. I think I'll be able to start writing again soon. 
• Work on my long-term photo project - gosh, this project has been running for about four years now. Part one was getting all my digital photos in one place (it used to be in a gazillion CDs). Part two is putting them on the cloud. I'm still in part two, year 2010. Part three is to create photobooks out of the photos. This project will probably take another decade to finish haha. 
• Watch films - well I do this on good and bad days. I have missed a lot of shows in the past decade, so Netflix has become my bestie. 
• Exercise - yup, it's part of my vocabulary now! 
• Make future plans - being forced to drop everything gave me time to think about what I want and what I could do. I always felt that I put my life on hold 10 years ago when I moved to Singapore. I felt incomplete. I think it's the right time to circle back and close the missing gap. 
• Dream - yes, dream. Part of my healing process includes envisioning who and what I want to be in the future. The good thing about it is you end up creating new dreams. I was in my early 20s the last time I felt this hopeful.  

I'm just really glad I'm back to being my cheerful self again. I'm tired from doing errands this morning, but that's okay. I'm going to take a nap after posting this so I can work on the templates for a Christmas project (I know it's only July, but I sew super slow). I pray things will get better everyday. Have a blessed day my friend. 

Day 9 Gratitude Challenge, Something you like about where you live. I currently live in Singapore and for the past year we've lived on a higher floor. This is the first time we've lived on a higher floor (not counting hotel stays) and it's been a different experience. What I like about where we live now is the beautiful view. There's a park just across and I love watching birds fly by everyday. It's a peaceful view and it's so far the best I've had in all the places I've lived in. 

CB///*Yr2/96 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/123 #NewG350 #Home108 #StayHome #BeKind 

Time Machine

Would you go on a time machine to go back to the past to change a choice you made?

I was watching an episode of Orange is the New Black last night. Lolly Whitehill was building a time machine. When she walked out from the gathering inmate counselor found her inside the time machine she was building. Lolly explained she wanted to go back in time to change some decisions made by government. They went on to talk about what they would do if they could go back in time. 

Would you go on a time machine? I was fascinated with Back to the Future when I was a child. I watched it again and again on VHS. It was interesting to think about going back in time to change choices you make. I never gave much thought about it for my own life, but more for history. It was only last night I asked myself, "What would I change if I could go back in time?"

For selfish reasons I think what I would just change would be those times I got sick and how I handled it. That was what immediately came to my mind last night because of the coming bad results of my scan. I'm bracing myself for the worst. I know though I should focus my time on praying for the best. 

I wouldn't have worried about it, but I felt quite concerned when the medtech told me it's not looking good, God bless you (and I don't think she's Catholic). My selfish reason is I want to grow old with my family. 

I'll probably be this antsy until I see and talk to my doctor next week. In the meantime, I'll focus on looking at the future when I'm old and gray with my family. I'm looking forward to tbe day when we could all go to the beach again, eat bottomless sushi and ravish many pots of spaghetti. 

CB///Yr2/14  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/41 #StayHome #BeKind  

Mind Over Body Experiment

I have been feeling unwell off and on since end of August. It's tiring and has affected my productivity. The meds my doctor gave me helped, but I don't want to be dependent on medication. I also have a target to reduce the medication I take daily. 

Last week I was so exasperated already at my condition. I was doing everything my doctor told me to do, but my progress was still slow. I remembered a session I watched last year. It was a session on how you can heal yourself through meditation. I learned this from Dr. Joe Dispenza. He said you can pull energy from within you and direct it to the area you want healed. 

Dr. Joe Dispenza learned it when he had an accident. He had a spinal and was told he had to go through several surgeries, but it was uncertain whether he could walk again. He eventually healed himself through his mind (watch videos about it here). 

My Kuya enrolled me in the sessions Dr. Joe taught and I watched all the videos, but never put what I learned in consistent practice. I thought I'd put what I learned to practice last week. I started to do the meditation to pull energy from within myself and re-directed it to what I needed to heal.

By weekend I was feeling better I decided to do another mind exercise that Dr. Joe taught. He said you can train your body on something using your mind. I've not been able to do any of my physiotherapy exercises at home for a long time now. Last weekend before going to sleep I would think about doing the bridging exercises. I would do several rounds in my mind. 

Yesterday my physiotherapist asked me to do bridging exercises and she was surprised that I was stronger than usual. She was so happy with my exercise performance yesterday. I shared with her what I did and she said that it really helps when your mind is in a good place. 

So that's my mind over body experiment. I did that because I was so fed up feeling unwell. I thought about doing the meditation exercises since I wouldn't lose anything anyway if I did it. And it looks like it helped. I was super wiped out after my physiotherapy session yesterday, but it was a good wipe out. What's important to me is I'm okay today and still kicking. 

CB//190 #StuckAtHomeDay/220 #WFH129 #StayHome #BeKind

Minus One! Yay!

I went to see my respiratory doctor today for my regular check-up. He's the doctor who saved my life two years ago when he diligently looked for what was wrong. Several GP doctors told me that I had asthma caused by too much acid in my tummy. I insisted on seeing a specialist and they grudgingly gave me a referral.

The promise of a new day.

The good doctor feared for the worst. I went through a gazillion tests. They got 16 test tubes of blood at one point from me and I went through several scans. I always joke that I'm probably glowing already from all the scans I've been through. The diagnosis wasn't what he feared I had, it was PE. I was lucky that I got well just by drinking meds. It took awhile and a lot of scary moments. My other doctors told me I am truly blessed because I survived. It took a year before another doctor found out what caused the PE.

My breathing was significantly impaired and I had to drink a lot of meds in the last two years. That's why I'm super bloated. I always believed that eventually I can do without maintenance meds. Today my doctor officially reduced my meds. It's minus one inhaler for me! Yay! I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I brought it up with my doctor three months ago and he wasn't convinced. I nagged him though and he said if I was better in my next check-up he'd remove it. It took him awhile to decide when I saw him today and I'm happy he agreed to remove one of my meds. Yaaaas!

I worked hard for this day and I'm going to work harder to remove more of my maintenance meds. I progressed to where I am because of exercise, meditation & prayer, and telling my body to heal. I still have a lot of healing to do and I hope my next appointment with my cardio will result in getting another medication removed. Heehee.

Happy day!

CB//101 #StuckAtHomeDay/131 #WFH74 #StayHome #BeKind