Grief

We watched on the news what happened to the two basketball players. It is heartbreaking however which way you look at it. A child should never go before their parents. It is the most unimaginable situation for me. As a mother, I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about my child. I still do even though he's in his 30s already. 

Ateneo de Naga Varsity Team, c1950s (sorry I couldn't find my Dad's yearbook)

I have not made any comments about what happened. My Dad was a varsity player when he was a student for Ateneo de Naga and his coach was none other than Fr. James B. Reuter, SJ. Being a varsity player was my Dad's favorite memory to go back to and he taught all his grandchildren how to play basketball. He always spoke about those days fondly and he said their exercise regime was strict. They also had to be on top of their studies (my Dad graduated high school with honors). 

My Dad with Fr. James B. Reuter, SJ

My handsome Dad (he gave this photo to my Mom)

The best we can do is to pray for the families and everyone affected. They all need the strength and faith to overcome this huge trial. Losing someone means they have completed their mission. This is what my parents taught me. There will always be a part of you that feels the loss, but in time you will accept that their mission here is complete. The reason for the loss of the two young lives will eventually unfold. f

And for today, we pray.

#BeKind #StaySafe

Two Years Without Mom

It's been two years now since we lost our Mom. I got very sick when we lost her and I was practically immobilized from being productive for a year. I knew I needed to get going especially sunsetting our childhood home. I got help and had everything boxed. It was only after Mom's first year death anniversary, that I finally got moving and started sorting her things. 

One year later and I'm not done yet. I only realized that she had kept a lot of stuff in every nook and cranny of our home. Sorting her things is what helped me through the grief journey. I found a lot of mementos from my childhood, Miggy's childhood and my siblings (although not as many). I stayed the longest in our home (from birth) and it was really a surprise to find a lot of things that brought me joy as a child. 

We have since donated a lot of pre-loved home items and books to charities. Old outdated appliances were sold to the mambabakal and we used the proceeds to get help again to clear the back area of the house. I've only kept Mom's albums. There are more than 10 boxes! It will probably take time to scan the photos. Some of the albums are irreparable already, so I just removed the photos and placed them in safe storage boxes. 

My grief journey started in 2019 when Dr. Koo said Mom's heart was deteriorating. He advised against surgery and told us to just let her enjoy. Mom did and was gardening until the day before she passed. She left a beautiful garden and what she considered her treasures (essentially our childhood stuff and a gazillion photos!).

I hope to finish clearing our home before the end of the month, so I can focus on saving her plants and propagating what she left in her garden. I'm figuring out how to get the huge cacti that's still growing! We have since restored her plant stands and I've been busy re-potting her plants. I'm in awe that they're still alive! I feel closest to my Mom when I'm working on her plants :)

Love you Mom! Enjoy your bottomless Coca-Cola up there! Kisses to Dad, Mama Lola, Papa Lolo, Titay, Tito Ben, Tita Ming, Tito Tony and Tito Mom! 

#BeKind #StaySafe 

Life Cycle, Dealing with Loss

When my Dad passed away, Mom told me, "Ganyan talaga ang buhay." I cried harder because I also remembered other loved ones who passed away. It was hard and I wondered how Mom could be so matter of fact. She handled loss very well and was our pillar when Dad passed away. She did everything efficiently while I kept bawling my eyes out. 

After losing Dad, my titos and tita followed one year after another. It reinforced what Mom told me. It's a life cycle. She faced loss with so much grace and dignity. Mom continued to be steadfast and strong. I learned from her how to accept loss. 

We all go through grief differently. The first two months after Mom died I was very unmotivated and unproductive. By the third month I realized I had to start moving. I focused on our family's health. We spent every week in the hospital for consultations and tests. The boys did PT and I'm soon going to start pulmonary rehab. 

I worked on our health because I realized I have to get going in order to meet my main goal. I retired because I want to be able to make more happy memories with my boys. We've been spending majority of our time just home and I want to be able to do things for them like cook and do my share of house chores. And I hope we can step out of the house every so often. 

Live and make more happy memories. That's what my parents would want me to do. 

Happy Sunday everyone!

Wellness Wednesday: Moving Forward with Grief

Grief is a short word that packs a lot of punch. They say you go through five phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I was a huge mess when we lost my Dad. I cried and cried and cried. With Mom I felt I had to face it with quiet grace. 

I purposely did not go inside Mom's home since she passed. My siblings took care of the initial checks. I still manage the house but I did not want to rush myself. I stretched the bargaining phase. I finally went back to my childhood home yesterday. I felt I was ready and anchored it with a structural inspection. I did it that way so I don't end up bawling. 

I spent a bit of time in Mom's bedroom. The first thing I opened was her craft cabinet. It was filled to the brim. Since we were still doing the inspection, I just took a photo. I also opened her clothes cabinet and saw she had put away most of her clothes. Bags were also organized properly. Her helper told me that she had been packing away her clothes. I also noticed that her altar in the lanai had less items. They were moved inside the house. 

I wondered why Mom re-organized her stuff. When I got home I scrutinized her craft cabinet. The sewing materials were carefully packed in boxes. It was arranged for keeping, not for use. I also noticed some of my piggy banks inside the cabinet. I realized she packed the cabinet for me. And she probably knew it's the first thing I would open. She knew that I treasured my piggy banks and she kept it for me. She wanted to give it to me already, but we were still renovating our house. 

And yes I think I'm sliding into the next phase of grief, depression. Mom won't be happy if I mope around. That's why I made sure I had a purpose when we went to the house today. We went with an architect and a structural engineer. We want to preserve Mom's garden, so we have to make sure the structure it's on is safe. We are on the right track because as soon as I mentioned to Sweetie the inspection plans and our plans to refurbish the sofa, Google Photos suddenly popped up an album of us three together. Finally, Mom learned how to use technology, haha. 

The next few months will be hard as we work on clearing the house. I didn't finish taking photos for my inventory, so we'll have to go back. I hope I don't slide back into what I battled the past two years. That's why I'm going to anchor it on a project. 

Love you Mom, we'll be back home soon. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesdays: What I Learned About Grief

I tend to keep things bottled up. I was always discouraged from being emotional. I was always told not to cry because it would be bad for my heart (well, now it is). I lost it when Dad passed away over a decade ago. I still cry whenever I miss him. My Mom though was always unemotional. She was good at keeping a cool head. 

It was my medical issues that eventually made a crack in my other stable demeanor. I was told I was a calming force in our team. Well, the medical issues I've gone through broke the lid and I had to get help. My doctor focused me to re-develop my coping mechanisms. That was important because there are many things you have to deal with everyday. 

When my Dad passed away, I was given time off, but by midweek after he was buried I went back to work. Mom told me again and again that it's the cycle of life and I just had to live with it. It took me awhile to understand it. Titos and Titas soon followed after Daddy passed and that was when I understood fully what Mom and Dad taught me about losing a loved one. Their mission is done and you should be happy that they are now in heaven. 

We all deal with grief in different ways. My only advise is not to keep things bottled up. Cry when you need to and reach out to your loved ones when you can't bear things. I'm lucky I have support groups that have been there for me this past week. I tried crying, but I ended up resting in bed because my heart went bonkers. I've been finding other ways to manage my grief. 

I'm not surprised I've ended up keeping busy. It's one of the coping mechanisms Mom taught me. I've been doing some sewing, some writing and I've been chatting with my support group. Our band of stray cats have also been keeping me company. They've stuck around since last week and Kaley usually sits outside my craft room whenever I'm there. 

Grief can truly be overwhelming, but as Mom kept telling me, huwag mo dibdibin. 

Miss you Ma. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesday: Gladiator in Shorts

Saw a post by Jonathan Yabut last night and it was a good reminder to pat yourself on your back for all the challenges you have conquered. Here's what he said -

I have exchanged all my "suits" for shorts though so I'm a gladiator in shorts! I woke up today feeling re-energized. I went through a lot of challenges this year, but I conquered them. One thing I realized which is key to keeping well is to let go the things you cannot control. 

One thing that weighed me down was the grief of losing my siblings. I didn't realize I've been carrying it in my heart since I was a child. I always wondered back then why I was sad during Christmas. It was where my abandonment issues started. The sadness only eased when I had Miggy and when our family was completed by Sweetie. Still, the grief stayed in my heart. 

I finally realized that my siblings, both >10 years older than me were already ready to fly the nest by the time I was in fourth grade. They both left and married and had their own family to take care of. I was so young and didn't understand why they weren't around anymore. Rarely saw them through the years, but I was able to cope and do well on my own. 

We were brought up by our parents to be independent. I'm grateful for that because I was able to make it without relying on anyone. That's what I'm patting my back for and a good reminder that there are many blessings that you miss seeing when you focus on grief and things you cannot control. Just let it go and be grateful for what you have and remember God will never abandon you. 

#BeKind #StaySafe