Fear Not!

Whenever I'm scared I always cry out, "Mommy!" I do it especially when there is a thunderstorm. I also do it whenever something scares me. Does you do that too?

Yesterday morning I was woken up by sirens. It wasn't the usual I hear and I realized there was probably a fire somewhere near. I tried to go back to sleep, but to make sure we were safe I searched on Twitter and Facebook to find out the location of the fire. It was a kilometer away from us, in a barangay adjacent to us. 

I looked out the window and didn't see visible signs of the fire. Our street was also very quiet. Everyone was asleep except me. Sweetie was sound asleep, so I didn't wake him up since the are was quite far from us. It kept me awake for awhile. The sun had risen by the time I fell asleep again. 

I realized I still have PTSD from the fire that happened behind our home almost a year ago. There was also a typhoon the day it happened. Mom was still alive then, but I did not want to worry here. I just prayed in the car while waiting for the fire department to solve the issue. Luckily the fire just damaged part of our firewall and it was fixed a few months ago. I told Mom about the incident when it was over. 

Now that Mom is not around anymore, I still call out to her whenever I get scared (yes, I dislike thunder). I reach out to Sweetie or Miggy when the storm is crazy. GodWhispers though reminded me that you should lean on your faith when you fear something. I calmed down yesterday after praying for the safety of everyone involved in the fire. A news clip said that everyone is safe. 

“For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ ” - Isaiah 41:13 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Wellness Wednesday: Moving Forward with Grief

Grief is a short word that packs a lot of punch. They say you go through five phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I was a huge mess when we lost my Dad. I cried and cried and cried. With Mom I felt I had to face it with quiet grace. 

I purposely did not go inside Mom's home since she passed. My siblings took care of the initial checks. I still manage the house but I did not want to rush myself. I stretched the bargaining phase. I finally went back to my childhood home yesterday. I felt I was ready and anchored it with a structural inspection. I did it that way so I don't end up bawling. 

I spent a bit of time in Mom's bedroom. The first thing I opened was her craft cabinet. It was filled to the brim. Since we were still doing the inspection, I just took a photo. I also opened her clothes cabinet and saw she had put away most of her clothes. Bags were also organized properly. Her helper told me that she had been packing away her clothes. I also noticed that her altar in the lanai had less items. They were moved inside the house. 

I wondered why Mom re-organized her stuff. When I got home I scrutinized her craft cabinet. The sewing materials were carefully packed in boxes. It was arranged for keeping, not for use. I also noticed some of my piggy banks inside the cabinet. I realized she packed the cabinet for me. And she probably knew it's the first thing I would open. She knew that I treasured my piggy banks and she kept it for me. She wanted to give it to me already, but we were still renovating our house. 

And yes I think I'm sliding into the next phase of grief, depression. Mom won't be happy if I mope around. That's why I made sure I had a purpose when we went to the house today. We went with an architect and a structural engineer. We want to preserve Mom's garden, so we have to make sure the structure it's on is safe. We are on the right track because as soon as I mentioned to Sweetie the inspection plans and our plans to refurbish the sofa, Google Photos suddenly popped up an album of us three together. Finally, Mom learned how to use technology, haha. 

The next few months will be hard as we work on clearing the house. I didn't finish taking photos for my inventory, so we'll have to go back. I hope I don't slide back into what I battled the past two years. That's why I'm going to anchor it on a project. 

Love you Mom, we'll be back home soon. 

#BeKind #StaySafe