Life Cycle, Dealing with Loss

When my Dad passed away, Mom told me, "Ganyan talaga ang buhay." I cried harder because I also remembered other loved ones who passed away. It was hard and I wondered how Mom could be so matter of fact. She handled loss very well and was our pillar when Dad passed away. She did everything efficiently while I kept bawling my eyes out. 

After losing Dad, my titos and tita followed one year after another. It reinforced what Mom told me. It's a life cycle. She faced loss with so much grace and dignity. Mom continued to be steadfast and strong. I learned from her how to accept loss. 

We all go through grief differently. The first two months after Mom died I was very unmotivated and unproductive. By the third month I realized I had to start moving. I focused on our family's health. We spent every week in the hospital for consultations and tests. The boys did PT and I'm soon going to start pulmonary rehab. 

I worked on our health because I realized I have to get going in order to meet my main goal. I retired because I want to be able to make more happy memories with my boys. We've been spending majority of our time just home and I want to be able to do things for them like cook and do my share of house chores. And I hope we can step out of the house every so often. 

Live and make more happy memories. That's what my parents would want me to do. 

Happy Sunday everyone!

Wellness Wednesday: Moving Forward with Grief

Grief is a short word that packs a lot of punch. They say you go through five phases of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I was a huge mess when we lost my Dad. I cried and cried and cried. With Mom I felt I had to face it with quiet grace. 

I purposely did not go inside Mom's home since she passed. My siblings took care of the initial checks. I still manage the house but I did not want to rush myself. I stretched the bargaining phase. I finally went back to my childhood home yesterday. I felt I was ready and anchored it with a structural inspection. I did it that way so I don't end up bawling. 

I spent a bit of time in Mom's bedroom. The first thing I opened was her craft cabinet. It was filled to the brim. Since we were still doing the inspection, I just took a photo. I also opened her clothes cabinet and saw she had put away most of her clothes. Bags were also organized properly. Her helper told me that she had been packing away her clothes. I also noticed that her altar in the lanai had less items. They were moved inside the house. 

I wondered why Mom re-organized her stuff. When I got home I scrutinized her craft cabinet. The sewing materials were carefully packed in boxes. It was arranged for keeping, not for use. I also noticed some of my piggy banks inside the cabinet. I realized she packed the cabinet for me. And she probably knew it's the first thing I would open. She knew that I treasured my piggy banks and she kept it for me. She wanted to give it to me already, but we were still renovating our house. 

And yes I think I'm sliding into the next phase of grief, depression. Mom won't be happy if I mope around. That's why I made sure I had a purpose when we went to the house today. We went with an architect and a structural engineer. We want to preserve Mom's garden, so we have to make sure the structure it's on is safe. We are on the right track because as soon as I mentioned to Sweetie the inspection plans and our plans to refurbish the sofa, Google Photos suddenly popped up an album of us three together. Finally, Mom learned how to use technology, haha. 

The next few months will be hard as we work on clearing the house. I didn't finish taking photos for my inventory, so we'll have to go back. I hope I don't slide back into what I battled the past two years. That's why I'm going to anchor it on a project. 

Love you Mom, we'll be back home soon. 

#BeKind #StaySafe

Second Chances

Earlier today I remembered a friend who passed away a few years ago. We had meaningful conversations when we had lunch. He told me before he passed, "live life" and "take risks". He also told me, "But you are alive, you should just enjoy what you have now." I had shared with him that I was always cautious about spending. I wanted to be always ready for my family. 

He was gone just a few months after he told me he was sick. I was alone when I went to his funeral. An elderly friend of his took care of me. He was a CEO of a huge company and shared with me his days when he had to work abroad. He was surprised to hear that I was living away from my family. He advised to keep my family together no matter the situation. 

I took to heart the advise and after a few months my family was complete. We lived, took risks, traveled and did things together as one unit. We were happy to be together. I remembered my friend and my friend's CEO friend today because it dawned on me that I am on my nth chance at living. I survived so many harrowing illnesses and I'm blessed to be still around. 

I shared that to a friend this morning because I am grateful for help to put me on the recovery path. It's not just a second chance at life for me. It's the nth chance (I seriously lost count already) and as my friend, Claro, told me, "... you are alive, you should just enjoy what you have now." Yes, my dear friend, I promise I won't bungle up this chance again. I'll make sure to use this time for my family and whatever God's next mission is for me. 

CB///*Yr2/55  #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/82 #StayHome #BeKind

Norbert

I lost another friend today. It was really a huge surprise to me since he was always so jolly even when he'd share his pain on FB. I was really affected after I heard the news especially since it was his heart that had betrayed him.

I have been losing family and friends in the last few years and I always end up thinking why did I survive two open heart surgeries. My Dad when he was alive always told us that you're time will come once your mission is done. A friend pointed out to me that our journeys are all different. I told her I only survived by sheer willpower which my doctor said was the reason why I'm still alive. She said that me and her Dad are probably still here to share about our positive outlook in life. It does take special angels to remind us of where we should put our heart and mind in.

I wrote this poem for Norbert while I was walking home. I'm not a poet like my friends Tappy and Cathy, but somethings words just string together in my mind. This is what came to mind on my way home.

For Norbert

Death
Thief in the night
Stealing life
Losing moments permanently
Regret of time apart
Now we can only wish
To have reached out more

Farewell my friend
For you I promise to take care of myself better.

Titay

It is in writing that I find solace after losing another loved one.

When I was a young child I thought my Mom had a twin -- Titay. I remember getting confused at times on who my Mom was. I have many memories of Titay growing up. Singing the US National Anthem and the theme song of Mr. Roger's (neighborhood TV show something) in her living room when I was 4. Learning to cross the street in Chicago when I was just 4 years old. I almost stayed behind with her in Chicago then, but I strangely decided I wanted to grow up in Manila.

Our home was never without balikbayan boxes either from Titay or Mama Lola's trips back and forth to the US. We always looked forward to Titay's homecoming because chocolates were bottomless and she'd always cook her yummy lengua. When I was born Titay was already living in the US. It was only in the last few years I found out how she ended up there. She originally wanted to be a cloistered contemplative nun (pink sister), but she wasn't allowed to since she's the eldest. She eventually found a job in the US and left (amidst a lot of protests). My aunt was a very headstrong woman (this stubbornness is apparent in all of us I think).

My Mom and Titay look so much alike.

Titay was very generous and she always knew what you need. I'm not one to buy jewelry, but Titay always makes sure I'm well accessorized and scolds me when I dress up too simply (I got multiple sermons after a TV interview). All of us, her nieces and nephews, got showered with Titay's generosity. Titay had bailed me out of MBA tuition debt after Mom collected some money for her. I would always remember Titay as my most generous Tita.

She moved back home about a decade ago and that was when I got to know a bit more about Titay. At that time I didn't have a boyfriend and Titay always encouraged me to just go out and date! Dad was still so strict then, but Titay always reminded him that I was old enough to go out and date. If not for Titay I would probably have ended up single until now since my Dad had declared then that he will live forever to take care of me (my Dad is so adorable!).

The last few years have been difficult for Titay especially last year when she had a stroke twice. Mom was away the second time it happened, so I went home from Singapore to check on her. We were so worried since at that time Tito Ben was very sick as well. Eventually Titay was discharged from the hospital, but a few weeks later Tito Ben passed away. We didn't know how to tell her, but she surprised all of us by telling us that Tito Ben had visited her and told her it was his time. She took the news very well and eventually  got better and was strong enough to walk around and would insist going to the mall at least once a week.

Last Christmas, Titay insisted she dress up nicely for my Mom's birthday celebration/family reunion (balidosa pa rin!). We just couldn't afford to buy the PhP6,000 sandals she wanted, but she was very happy to see all of us, her nephews and nieces she dotted on throughout the years. Every time I was there she would hug me and tell me she loved me and she'd always give reminders to take care of myself especially when I'm away traveling.

Titay, I know I was the cause of the huge row you and Dad had because you really wanted me to find the right one. You didn't want me to grow old alone. You eventually patched things up and the goal was met -- Sweetie found me! You even threw an amazing despedida de soltera for me just before my wedding. Thank you so much for being my most awesome Tita and for being a pillar in our family. I love you and I will miss you so much.