Moving On and Conquering Pain

I'm honestly thinking twice about getting another booster shot. The effects of the booster shot affected me physically and mentally. Whenever I get sick my spirit gets sick also and last week felt like six months worth of post-PE symptoms compressed into a week. Yes, it was that bad. My lungs were on fire for three days. Then it all stopped suddenly and I slowly got better over the weekend. The first two doses of the vaxx felt like a walk in the park. 

Anyway, what's important is I'm better now. I'm still experiencing odd asthma attacks, but I'm fighting it back. Last week felt like Geralt fighting the striga, the weekend felt like the sun finally rose again. That's how I deal with pain and stress. I look it in the eye and I tackle it. Whatever I went through last week seemed to have killed off the pain I've been feeling since I left my beloved job. 

Welcome to our messy fam room!

Leaving the job I spent 15 years of my life on was really painful. It felt like I was breaking up with someone. To be honest, I couldn't even wear my Google shirts. I would, but rarely, because it felt heavy. At some point I even told Sweetie to stop wearing them when we were still in Singapore. Well, last Saturday I purposely wore my favorite red "uniform" and it felt okay. Today I wore a the 2012 Android Dev Camp shirt and it feels okay. To me it means I have conquered the pain. 

Time is all I needed to move on. It's been a year since I decided to leave. They held onto me though until November, hoping I would change my mind. I'm still being recruited to do stuff for them, but my health wouldn't allow it. I like my life now and whatever energy I have I'd rather spend it with my family. It is a limited resource, so I have to prioritize. 

Live, love, learn, forgive, let go and be grateful. Life is fleeting, so accept what it is you have and pray hard for guidance. 

Happy Monday everyone!

#BeKind #StaySafe #VoteWisely

The Surprise that Made Me Cry

Just before midnight last Friday I received a notification. It was a shared file from my friend, Cathy. I opened it and the file's name was "Thank you and farewell Aileen Apolo". I immediately cancelled opening the file because I knew it would make me cry, haha. I participated in many of those farewell docs previously and knew it was messages from people I worked with in the past 15 years. I did not want to cry as new year rolled in!

I finally opened the file again after breakfast yesterday. I told Sweetie about the surprise and he said he was conspiring with Cathy for a few months now. And oh wow, they found people I worked with since 2006. Soon enough I was teary eyed while reading the messages. 

I left my post quietly and without fanfare. I even declined having lunch with my manager for safety reasons. I only had a brief hangout with my team so I could say a proper goodbye. Reading through the messages of my friends made me realize that I did something good in the past 15 years. They recognized the hardwork and love I put in all the programs I managed. 

Yesterday's Didache reflection was on remembering who you are. The lugaw inside is more important than the bowl (what people see outside)*. And that's why I'm so grateful for the messages of my friends. They saw through my output and recognized the hardwork and love I put in everything I did. In the one year I wasn't able to contribute I felt inadequate. My former manager said, "A chunk of Google's soul leaves Google with you!" The messages gave me the closure I needed. I am at peace now.

2006 with my scout brothers Colombia, Pakistan and Malaysia.

With the Outreach team 5 continents.

Thank you Cathy, Habs, Myra, Mark, JohnnyB, Jek, Miami, Ruth, Karen, Sebastian, Sami, Nopparat, Ria, Jolly, Marcus, Obum, Andre, Mavila, JP, Iris, David, William, Sophie, Victor, Suan, Yoshi, Prissilia, Mani, Jose, Lih Shiun, Anish, Tim, Nica, Sajith, James, Nikka, Rachel, Christine, Nette, James, Nap, Jim, Cherry, Dette, and Jana. Truly appreciate your messages <3 

As Bo Sanchez said in the Didache foreword, "Because if you want to win in life, here's what you do: don't focus on the pain; focus on the prize!"

#BeKind

*Best to read the reflection here.

I was Brave

I skipped over to the office yesterday to return my devices. It felt surreal when we were dropped off at my block. The place was deserted. The walk-a-lator which I normally used wasn't even turned on. The last time I was at the office was March 2020. 

It was like the universe was conspiring for me not to go. Just when we were about to leave, the sky dropped heavy rain. An hour after it was still pouring heavily. We decided to brave it and go. The Grab driver who picked us up missed a turn. We ended up adding 20 minutes more to our trip. As the car went farther and farther away from the office I asked, "Is the universe holding me back?" 

I was relieved when we finally reached my block and as we walked over to the next block I started to feel a bit sad. For a few seconds I wanted to go back home and not do what I was supposed to do. I marched on, dropped my things off and spent a few minutes taking photos. We were not able to go in anymore since the office is closed. 

To be honest I was a bit teary eyed, but I got distracted with taking photos. Then I got busy chatting with my seatmate. I sent him photos of where we used to walk when we'd go for merienda. He hasn't been back to the office either and had a lot of questions about our usual haunts. 

I've been getting questions about whether it's true I've left my job. And questions on what's next. Yes, I have left my job because I finally decided to follow the advise of my doctors. And what's next is real rest. I'm grateful I have been getting offers for work, but I'd like to focus on resting for now. I will eventually figure out what I want to do next, but for now I just want to spend time with my loved ones and enjoy being permanently home. (Friends have began placing bets on how long I'll be in this state hahaha). 

I was brave yesterday. I cried for another reason. 

Now gotta finish packing!

CB////*Yr2/205 #StuckAtHomeDay/Yr2/226 #NewG245 #Home1 #Xmas53 #StayHome #BeKind