It was not unusual for me that they were out most of the time. My parents had a rule that everyone had to be home by sunset. We were always complete for dinner, Sunday mass and lunch. I spent my days with my parents, Mama Lola or my yaya. We also had family outings every so often. We usually went to Bicol once a year.
The dynamics changed just before the EDSA Revolution. My siblings one after the other left home and got married within a span of 3 years. At that time I'd exchange snail mail with my sister until it dwindled to hurried long distance calls. I'd see my brother usually for Christmas. He'd either come home with his family or we'd fly in to see him.
Nothing out of the ordinary since that was the circumference we were in. It wasn't their fault they were born ahead and I came in very fashionably late. My sister did say once during my rebellious years that it was her fault she wasn't around for me. I told her there's no problem since the circumstance was just oddly normal.
I went on with my life and eventually my family was only complete physically again on my wedding day. The next time was when Dad got sick and then once after Mom passed away.
When I had counseling my doctor tried to help me figure out what was wrong. We didn't get to it since I felt I was fortified enough already and it was time for me to go back home. I thought I was fine, but dealing with the helper who emptied my Mom's savings, filing the case, making sure we were all safe and seeing my Mom change a lot after we got home, took a toll on me.
I probably had an undiagnosed heart attack or a broken heart. My cardiologist refused to have tests done on me and just sent me home with increased dosage of my meds (I changed doctors after that). It took many months before I felt better. I cried everyday. I'm very lucky and grateful my boys were there for me.
It was then that I realized I was suffering from abandonment issues. My inner child never understood why my siblings left me. It got worse when they eventually couldn't see eye to eye. Dealing with fire and ice was an impossible situation. I talked to my Mom about it a lot and she advised me to just stop talking to them. She said it's their issue, they're adults and they should resolve it themselves.
I followed her advise and only reached out to them on the day she died. I refused to see them until they had a ceasefire. We got together on my Dad's birthday. How things unfolded isn't what my parents would have wanted, but it is what it is.
I was lucky I had spiritual guidance from a dear Nun. I had prayed for many years to have someone like Br. Gene again. She guided me how best to get through things. I eventually also read that the only way to heal your inner child is to do it yourself.
My inner child has accepted the fact that things will never be the same. The situation wasn't ideal and they have established their lives elsewhere. The best recourse for me is to just move forward and focus on those who are here for me. Through the years I had been blessed with many friends who have been like brothers and sisters to me. I keep a small circle of trust and they provide me a safe space, plus I have my boys.
I was told once that I felt that way because I cared so much. It would have been useful to be told to live myself, protect my peace and focus on what's in front of you.
#BeKind #StaySafe
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